I know I should have seen it coming but let’s call me a hopeless romantic, or just a dope. When Pete talked about wanting to be a father, I heard wedding bells (and calls to available surrogates.) But then…you know the rest.
I need to know why! And who dumped who. Let Pete be the dumper, if you’re listening Jesus! How can they turn on a dime like that? Did something happen in Australia? Did Pete’s BDE fail him, or did Kim suddenly realize that he’s white?
When their thing was first reported, I was amazed by the incongruity just like everyone else. What the hell? I thought. But as it continued, I began furiously projecting. Kim must be smarter than we thought, if Pete likes her. In our narrative of Pete, he’s too smart and sensitive to waste his time on an idiot. She would have to have real substance as a human being, right? This meant that Kim Kardashian is not what she appears to be, e.g. an insufferable narcissist and plastic surgery addict!
And given Kim’s imagined ability to have any man, this meant that Pete is not only a great fuck but also a dynamic paragon of manliness. Plus, she introduced him to the kids!
I found myself daydreaming about Kim and Pete. Mostly it was hazy soft porn. I tried to imagine Pete’s frail physique juxtaposed with Kim’s gigantic mounds of silicone. On the one hand, ew. But on the other hand, I really wanted to visualize how it would work. I think this could be called mental fan-fiction.
I studied every picture of them to parse their body language. Their hand-holding was so cute! Their goofy selfies! Their trips to exotic beaches!
I was googling Kim-and-Pete several times a day. I couldn’t get enough. It as like a Novella only with higher stakes. And here’s the worst thing of all: I watched the Kardashian show for the whole season, eager for news about the budding love affair and for hints that Kim was not an idiot. My husband humored me and watched it too. We agreed that Kendall was painfully stupid but he thought Kourtney was even stupider. It’s a tough call, I guess.
At least I won’t have to watch any more of that crap. No more of their giant nothing-colored living rooms and staged heart-to-heart confidences. No more reminding my husband of how much Kylie has done to her face and how much weight Khloe has lost. No more of those nude lipsticked fish-pouts!
But when I woke up and heard about the break-up, I was devastated. I am not making this up; I was stunned and heartbroken. Could it be a mistake? Maybe so, because we didn’t hear it firsthand from Kim or Pete.
Now I’ve accepted that it’s over, and my hurt has turned to resentment. I feel cheated and duped. First I thought it was selfish of them to take away our only moments of respite from anxiety and global catastrophe. Now I’m wondering if the whole entire thing was a publicity stunt. So was it?? A friend believes it was a publicity stunt AND they also slept together. Whatever.
Now that Pete is history, clarity has returned and I see that Kim is indeed a big ho who can’t take her eyes off herself for a single minute and will do anything to hold the world’s interest. How dare she wear Marilyn’s dress! May she put on all the weight she’s lost and then some. May she take a fall down some stairs in those stupid stiletto heeled shoe-pants. God I hate her. I’m going to unfollow her on Instagram as soon as I wind this up.
I hope Pete can start dating someone twenty years younger than Kim whose butt doesn’t need a wheelbarrow to carry it and who doesn’t need hair extensions. I will forgive Pete for this slip-up because he is chronically depressed, genuinely funny, and because of that big dick. JUST KIDDING about the dick, of course, because a big brain is way more exciting, right ladies?
All we need to do now is predict Kim and Pete’s next love interests. Thoughts??
I heard Kim broke it off because it was getting “too serious.” It did seem an odd pairing from the start. But I can understand because Pete has gotten huge fame and is sowing his oats while having a great time. His shtick is “Can you believe I’m going out with her?” (c.f. the adorable and talented Ariana Grande), so why not try to hang with Kim Kardashian.
I love Pete and also Akwafina, two of the best newish talents on the scene. I am getting tired of Sarah Silverman. I’ll take Nikki Glaser at this point (even with all the stupid talk about her vagina). Imo, Whitney Cummings is the best of the lot with Amy Schumer close behind. And thank the Lord Kate McKinnon is leaving SNL. I disliked her shtick from the start, way too much mugging and overacting even if that is the point.
It’s fascinating, in a distracting-myself-from-global-catastrophe way. I always predicted she’d move on soon enough. He’s too goofy and not powerful enough in the way she understands power. I’m predicting she ends up with some super mogul with more money than imaginable. Wait, isn’t Rupert Murdoch single again??
I’m amazed that you know the Kardashians first names. Brava! To me, they are Nothing Sister, Big Foot, Porn Actress, and the two young ones whose names I know begin with K. Right? The mother, that narcissistic attention whore, is known as the Porn Producer. God bless you for watching an entire season and God bless Robert for watching it with you.
Tom Isenberg – You’re probably right. Also: I hate Sarah Silverman, I hate all entertainers who have to keep saying vagina, except for Amy Schumer, who is never wrong.
Betty – You are much smarter than me in these matters! Rupert is not gonna be able to take her shit, but I’m seeing billionaire too. Elon Musk??
MARK-EE – You need to get into the weeds with this shit if you want to hate them properly. No more coasting!
Carrying on with my tradition of not knowing shit about celebrity relationships, or even celebrities, full stop, I had to make sure Pete was who I thought he was, and that Kim looked pretty much the same as the last pictures I saw of her and her pet ass. I kind of knew about her, but I don’t know how or why I did.
I’m not qualified to speculate on who their next love interests might be, but I hope they both pick really bizarre people, people who are even more wildly unsuitable for them than they’ve ever picked before. so that I can get interested and keep myself distracted from global catastrophe, like you say.
I missed out on Johnny and Amber, and now these two, so I have to start paying attention, but I want the couple to be worth my while.
I am team Pete and Jennifer Garner, now that would be grand!
Bevitron – I know, I’m sorry to keep sullying your consciousness with this stuff. I can’t help clinging to pop culture trivia to activate myself. I really am dead inside. But I’ll try to find a more worthy couple. Stand by!
Pocketsound – Hahaha brilliant!
Quite frankly, when I heard about Kim and Pete I thought of Lyle Lovett and Julia Robertson. I knew they would break up because Pete deserves better, as did Lyle. I have never followed the Kardashians. I do follow the Pugdashians on instagram, much better people, IMO.
Marla Griffith – Oh my god I forgot about Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts! Thar was so nuts. I will go find the Pugdashians, I love them already.
I noticed that Kim has gotten rid of some of her ridiculous fake ass. Pete maybe didn’t like the look of it? At any rate, she looks less stupid than before, but still is.