Is your Yeti missing? You might want to look for its remains at Nordstrom, where I came upon this scene of carnage.
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Saudi Arabia and Conjoined Twins
Did you know that Saudi Arabia maintains a website about conjoined twins? According to the website, King Al Saud’s benevolence has earned his country the status of The Kingdom of Humanity. The King apparently has a special interest in conjoined twins, and has sponsored surgery to separate thirteen sets of twins since 1990.
There is a page on ethical and religious considerations, which is interesting, and a chart that depicts the most common types of conjoined twins.
There is also a photo gallery where you can see a lot of stuff you’ll regret looking at. Don’t come whining to me, because I’ve just warned you!
That said*, god bless King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz Al Saud for his humanitarian efforts and this unique website.
Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff, News
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Let’s Think About My Colon!
My mom died from colon cancer, so I had to have a colonoscopy this week. I also had one soon after she died, and it wasn’t really that bad. The worst part was drinking some horrible, horrible liquid after fasting all day. The taste was so bad, I actually cried. Later, you take a laxative, and then you pretend you’re an old man in Calcutta, dying of dysentery. It’s very realistic.
This time, the problem was that I woke up with a migraine on the day of the procedure. I couldn’t take any Motrin. The fucking migraine ruined the entire experience. My advice is, don’t get a migraine when you’re having a colonoscopy.
The fun part, if you don’t have a migraine, is when you wake up and someone says “Everything’s normal!” However, I heard a doctor tell an old lady nearby in the recovery area “You know, you have a very young colon!” The old lady was naturally delighted.
I’m mad that no one told me that. Maybe I can get my husband to say it. Anyway, as far as I’m concerned, my colon rules.
Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff
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Think “Dead Handbag” for that Special Someone!
Check out this Dead Handbag I found, to wear with the Dead Animal Surprise Boots I featured here recently. This bag is made of natural fox, and sells for $5,095 at Vivre, a shopping site I love for its unaffordable luxury items.
This, ahem, handbag looks a little too natural for my taste. I found something very similar once in my backyard, and gave a bloodcurdling scream, as I recall. I stupidly got a neighbor to throw it away, without thinking of its potential as a handbag.
Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff, Uncategorized
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Coolest Figure in Rock
Beth Ditto, a self-described fat lesbian feminist from Arkansas, has just been named by NME as the coolest person in Rock. She is the lead singer in a band called The Gossip, and her voice has been compared to Janis Joplin and Etta James.
After I got over my first and second reactions, I listened to a song on the band’s myspace page. I don’t know about Coolest, but she’s pretty damn cool!
Posted in Art, News
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Great Big Babies
One of the very first websites I ever saw was a forum for men who wear diapers. This was a friend’s way of introducing me to the world of the internet. I forgot all about it until recently, when someone sent me a link to the Diaperstation. This site caters to adults who want to be babies, and it looks like they’ve thought of just about everything!
Adult size cloth diapers and plastic pants must’ve been hard to find before the internet. What I really love at the Diaperstation are the cute cotton-knit onesies that come in pink and blue. Who wouldn’t look cute in one of those? For the adult baby with lots of spare room and a decent salary, there is a huge custom-made crib.
I like the idea of babyhood for everyone. But I’m not sure what it means. I can see how comforting it would be to pretend we are little and helpless and cute. It implies that a nice big mommy will take care of everything. I believe that this is the primal condition that everyone struggles to overcome, even as their unconscious minds long to return to it. Once we are potty-trained, it’s the beginning of the end, in terms of our dependence on mommy.
In my own life, I can see how much my kids resent independence. I must have given them too much or too little attention. But I’ve heard that soldiers dying on the battlefield cry out for mommy. I’ve read that college students who practice the phrase “Mommy and I are One” do better on tests.
Mommy! We all want you!
If we can’t have mommy, there are some scary looking ladies who will pretend to be your mommy….but I must say, they look like Mean Mommies. This is the part I don’t get. Why does the fetish involve mean mommies and punishment, rather than a nice mommy who isn’t mad? I already had an angry mommy. It’s way over-rated. But I think I’d look cute in the ruffled Rhumba Pants.
Posted in Disorders
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I Am Thomas Pynchon!
Yes, it’s me. Surprise!
I still value my privacy and I’m going right back into seclusion after I finish this announcement. I don’t mind getting text messages on occasion from J.D. Salinger, but even he can overdo the small talk.
My new book “Against the Day” is more than 1,000 pages long but doesn’t even begin to satisfy my ambition to discuss calculus, racism, theology, cocaine, fetishism, philosophy, coal-mining, pop music, corporate evil, time travel,…well, you know, all that shit that’s been labeled historiographical metafiction. I prefer “phantasmagoria.”
You might not be ready to read my new book if you can’t keep hundreds of characters and events that don’t lead anywhere secure in your short-term memory bank. It might be harder to read than it was to write, actually. All I had to do was throw together a ton of arcane references to real incidents, mix ‘em up with some silly named characters like Deuce Kindred and Alonzo Meatman. ( I like to have a little fun with names.) At one point, I go off on mayonnaise, and have some postmodern fun with making a big deal out of it. Get it, mayonnaise?!
Well, I’m going back into seclusion until further notice. You can read an exhausting review of my new book in the New Yorker, who both liked and didn’t like it. Being Thomas Pynchon, I could give a shit.
Posted in Art, Words
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Perfume The Movie
If you ‘ve read the novel “Perfume” by Patrick Suskind, you probably agree with me (and Stanley Kubrick) that the book is unfilmable. Period. If you’re a bunch of idiots at Dreamworks, evidently you think otherwise.
I was almost worried that the movie based on this unforgettable and singular novel would be good….which would have proved me and Stanley wrong. However, I just found out that it stars Dustin Hoffman, so I think it’s safe to say the movie will suck. No offense Dustin, but you’re kind of turning into Al Pacino, in the sense of over-acting to the point of self-parody.
But even Olivier Himself couldn’t justify a film project based on Perfume, which creates an olfactory experience unrivaled in art or literature. Suskind is a genius, but I guess in the end he couldn’t turn down ten million Euros.
More interesting that anything about the movie is the collection of perfumes inspired by the “book and film” created by Thierry Mugler. It contains 15 different fragrances based on key scenes of the book, including “Virgin No. 1,” “Sea,” and “Baby.” The one I really need to smell is “Human Existence.” I don’t care that this Limited Release Collection will sell for $700. Money is no object when you’re talking about Human Existence.
What will it smell like, do you think?? Blood, sex, fresh bread, wine, coffee, dirt, vomit, play-doh, magic markers, chlorine bleach and cancer? I think it speaks well of this enterprise that the official website is so impossible to navigate, much like human existence.
Posted in Art, Rants
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Scariest Boots Ever
Which one of these two styles is the Scariest Boot Ever? I am stumped. You can purchase either style here.
Please help me decide: Is it the Dead Animal Surprise or the Heather Mills Divorcee? Your vote counts!
Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff
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It Isn’t What It Is
In answer to a reporter’s question about the election results, Tony Snow responded “It is what it is.”
Jesus Christ, I hate that expression. It’s the fucking worst, is what it is. It has roughly the same informative value as the expression “Yes and no.” I hate that one, too.
Why must people torture me with this horrible misuse of language? Words and expressions that became sickening years ago are still going strong. Is everybody deaf? Another one that persists is “That said,” after which you contradict what you said previously. Make it stop! Wouldn’t you think that “At the end of the day” could only be used facetiously? At the end of the day, you still need to suffer through these excruciating clichés.
So I screwed around and found Urban Dictionary, where you can drive yourself insane with pleasure or outrage, depending on your outlook. Just scrolling around there is like walking through a cloud of killer bees, or being electrocuted. “I’d hit it!” almost made me scream out loud.
Every possible contemporary cliché is listed there, including all the ones you managed to somehow get over. The ones I sort of liked, such as “I’m Rick James, Bitch,” now make me sick, merely by their presence alongside shit like “tonsil hockey” or “oh no you di’int.”
Still, it’s almost comforting to read the definitions of the word “random,” LOL. And if you hear an unfamiliar term, you can find out what it means. For instance, I just heard “Come to Jesus” for the first time last week, and now I know how to use it. Someone somewhere must be sick to death of Come to Jesus, but it’s new to me, so I’m planning to have some fun with it, irregardless. To anyone who gets annoyed: Don’t even try to run up on my shit.
Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants, Words
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