Show and Tell

The first time I saw an erect penis it was crammed down my throat before I could say “Ew.” I was a reckless kid who nobody loved, so I agreed to go behind the neighborhood bowling alley with an awful redheaded boy, hoping he would let me wear his Saint Christopher medal. His name was either Kenny or Ted; both names make me gag.

A couple of years later, still reckless, I hitchhiked everywhere, and the guys who picked me up were usually friendly, even the ones who managed to unzip their pants while driving. Suddenly, out sprang their dicks and the offer of a dollar to touch “it.” There was no way of guessing which guy might do this. Well dressed or slob, jalopy or brand new Cadillac, it was a crap shoot. No one ever stopped me from getting out. They were disgruntled, the ones with their dicks out, but they handled their disappointment pretty well.

Now, with Louis CK in mind, I have to wonder what drives men to show their dick to women who’ve expressed no interest in seeing it. In Louis CK’s case, the idea was obviously to shock or cause discomfort. But that seems like a genuine perversion. It’s hard to believe most men think of their penises this way.

But since women don’t go around forcing people to look at their genitals, I think it’s fair to call it a Man thing. What is behind this behavior? I tried thinking about it from a Freudian perspective. Maybe, when little boys first see their dad’s penis, they are overwhelmed by its size. This instills a worry about their own tiny penis. Will they ever measure up? The worry permeates their entire existence. Then once their own penis is full grown, they feel a need to say, “LOOK! ” They are proud, but still there’s that fundamental insecurity. All women represent Mommy, as we know. So he’s saying, “See, Mommy? I’m as big as Dad!”

No? Not buying that? How about a primal fear that the dick will somehow disappear. They have to keep presenting it for approval. It’s still there! Yay!

Or, is it just the physical version of mansplaining? Instead of clobbering you verbally with their superiority,  they want you to shut up and look at their dick. “Get a load of this, sister!” It’s an explanation that needs no explanation.

Having seen my share of penises, both willingly and otherwise, I think I have a healthy appreciation of them. One in particular, as I am happily married. Scrolling through Tumblr, when a dick pops up on my dashboard, I admit to feeling slightly offended. My feeling is mostly, “Go away, I didn’t ask for you.” I wonder if teenage girls are immune to images of dicks? From the sound of it, dick pics are a form of communication among our youth. Maybe when these teens grow up, the men will be less likely to use their dicks Louis CK-style, as an instrument of horror.

I believe I speak for most women when I say, Please keep your penis in your pants unless we specifically ask to see it and/or consensual sex is about to take place. Is that so hard, ahem?

Men, can you enlighten us on the mystery of your show and tell behavior? Ladies, your thoughts?

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11 Responses to Show and Tell

  1. Mary Liz says:

    A friend has a story about the time a minister came to visit them for some church thing. She was upstairs, her 4 year old boy answered the door. (Don’t worry, this isn’t going THERE)
    He knew the minister, they were chatting in 4-year-old style. The kid said “I have a penis! You have a penis! My dad has a penis…and it’s REALLY BIG!”
    So minister later said to mom “Well Marianne now I know why you look so happy all the time”
    Supports your theory. And I’m very sorry about your very early abuse.

  2. JK says:

    Well Sis, I think I’ll await the mansplainer-in-chief (David Duff) to weigh in but until he arrives I did notice this:

  3. David Duff says:

    Well, JK, I’ll try if and when someone can explain to an old British gent what a ‘mansplainer’ is!

    (Honestly, I though you ‘Yankee-doodles’ were supposed to speak English!)

  4. Romeo says:

    It’s also relatively easy to do. Like, if you could pull your genitals out of your pants and twirl them around you might do it too. At least once.

    I think I might be missing the point.

  5. Lil' mark-E says:

    This dick-showing stories are weird and disturbing. I don’t think I’ve ever had the urge to show anyone my penis in order to freak them out. Maybe it’s a straight thing.

    I love a good dick, but it has to be attached to a good guy.

  6. Suspended says:

    Perhaps they’re trying to charm you with their snake.

    I’ve never felt the need to expose myself to anyone, and I have quite a handsome penis, not one of those weird deformed mushrooms. It could model on the catwalk (well, when it was younger.)

    I’m sorry you went through that, Sis. It seems all too common. We’ve had conversations lately, due to the media, and I can’t believe some of the stories my wife has told me about men making advances or exposing themselves when she was only 13 (and onwards.) It’s way too common and totally sick.

    Having balls causes many problems. Perhaps when one is old enough to ejaculate, it should be compulsory to donate to a sperm bank. Then cut them off! Make earrings out of them. If you want babies later, make a withdrawal.

    That’s possibly a bit harsh, but then, so are cocks coming at you from every direction.

  7. Dj says:

    Sister, I concur with everything you say. Gentlemen, keep your dicks in your pants. We are not interested, amused, lusting after, curious, in need of exhibitition, in need of your affirmation that you indeed have one, Save it. There are times we are interested, but not constantly. Look at your dicks on your own time. Show them to your dogs, your pick up trucks, your beer cans, pictures of your favorite sports team, the mirror. Even your buddies! You guys can sit around and admire each others members. Zip it up and shut up.

  8. Andra says:

    When I was a teenager men used to wave their doodles at me quite a lot – generally while I was waiting for a train on one platform and the man would be on another platform. My sister taught me to point and laugh like mad. Maybe it helped.
    At the same time when I was on my train on the way home quite often there was a weinie-wagger sitting not far away and sometimes they would get off the train when I did and try to follow me home. I learned to run like hell, race around the corner, in the gate and shut them out.
    Let’s face it ladies, a lot of men are total fuckwits and should have been shot at birth.

  9. JK says:

    Hey Andra,

    Awaiting a plane in Hong Kong many years ago I was standing behind a guy who opened his great-coat and “flashed” a stewardess (can one still say that?) anyway she came right back at the fellow with, “Why you poor man, did that happen in Viet Nam?”

  10. Debbie says:

    The only reason any man would pull out his pee-pee and show it to a female is because said man is sick in the fuckin’ head. PERIOD. Normal men do not do shit like that.
    Only sick, twisted fucks do shit like that. They’re perverts.

  11. Peter Spiel says:

    Unfortunately classic case of over-thinking it. In Louis CK’s case he was involved with a “party-along” troup that wound up in his hotel. Like most men in a hotel room with women who join them there in spirit of a party or a “just chillin” atmosphere, he thought, or was hopeful, that sex stuff would go down. So, he just edged his way in that direction. Misinterpreting, as men are prone to do, he got to a point in languishing about where he simply believed that by acting out sexually in a playful way (of sorts) he was in some way “getting the ball rolling”. The girls affirming him did not help with this mistake.

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