The Black Jeans Situation

I have taken a vow to stop buying black jeans, but I broke it twice in one week. I’m beginning to wonder if there are any black jeans in the universe that would fit me properly, or if I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that the answer is No.

My latest Black Jeans disappointment are a pair by Aristocrat (whoever they are) reduced from $195 to $50. They were too tight but I assumed they would stretch to fit after a few hours. Now I realize that the only jeans that stretch that much are the ones that fit perfectly! Then, they’re too baggy.

My black Nudie jeans: too baggy. Black skinny Levis: too baggy. Black Superfine jeans: too baggy AND too tight. Black L.A.M.B jeans: way too baggy, but too tight when I bought them.

There is no end to this heartbreak. I want some perfect Black Jeans and I’ve wasted enough money to fund a thousand new jobs to build up the infrastructure of this great country of ours. How can I stop the insanity?!?

I tried to break the curse by buying these silvery-black jeans online, but they turned out to be preposterously tiny for a size 4, and they were a ‘final sale,’ as usual.

My loss, in this case, is Annemarie‘s gain, because I know they will fit her. Not only that, but she gave me the Ferragamo sweater in the photo above.

I feel I am enmeshed in a hopeless enterprise but unable to admit defeat or just move on. What would Jesus do?

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19 Responses to The Black Jeans Situation

  1. David Duff says:

    A helpful suggestion. Buy baggy jeans and eat lots of doughnuts until you gradually grow to fill the space available!

    No, no, please don’t thank me, just send cheques, cash, jewelry . . .

  2. Jeans that fit are the scurge of modernity! When I know the answer I’ll let you know meanwhile the duff plan is not an option – it would still be the same issue – doughnut eating does not make strategic shape gains it makes you fat!

  3. Sal says:

    If you discover the answer to this question, Sister, be sure to let us all know. My solution: Wear skirts instead.

  4. annemarie says:

    I win! I win!

  5. annemarie says:

    Jesus would go to a fancy “Denim Bar” (I hate that term, HATE IT) and He would try on every single pair of jeans in the place before buying and He would quiz the people who work there, who are almost scholarly in their knowledge and understanding of the jeans question. If, after all that, He still couldn’t find the perfect pair, He would stick with the loin cloth and would either continue to seek or he would fast for forty days so he could fit into the pair that’s too tight.

  6. WendyB says:

    “Now I realize that the only jeans that stretch that much are the ones that fit perfectly! Then, they’re too baggy.” — the heartbreak of jeans.

  7. G says:

    Haha! I have this problem. Not just with black jeans.
    A tip is to go for the ones with stretch. At least 2% elastane, lycra or whatever.

  8. jesus would try darylk.
    and you’re so right, every time i get jeans too tight they don’t stretch.

  9. K-Line says:

    OK, you are like some wise sage, sitting on a mountain top, pointing out the complexities of the universe. Why, oh why, can’t the jeans fit at all stages of the lifecycle?? (Oh, wait, apparently they can if you buy them at full price.)

  10. littlelux says:

    I have forever and ever struggled with jean fit. If they fit my ass then they are too short, if i like the length– they’re too baggy. Shopping for jeans (and swim suits) is a terrible nightmare that reduce me to tears. I feel your pain…

  11. Bex says:

    Some jeans make me look like I have side fat.

  12. hammie says:

    get liposuction on all the bits that don’t fit into the jeans. It will be cheaper in the long run.

  13. serpentine says:

    Find a good seamstress or tailor and have the stretched pairs taken in. My seamstress opens up the back seam (fnar fnar) and adjusts the fit perfectly. I lost 2 – 3 dress sizes and I certainly wasn’t going to replace all my jeans and pants.

  14. The eternal problem! Is there ANYONE out there who has no trouble finding jeans that fit? I have a 34″ inseam and a waist that’s proportionally small for the rest of me and it’s impossible. I once found a pair of Joe’s Jeans that fit perfectly, but I was never able to duplicate the experience, even with the same brand and style of jeans.

  15. susie_bubble says:

    At times like these you do need advice from Jesus…. as a jeans-fearer, I can’t help you out at alll…

  16. Lucy says:

    here is a courageous and experimental response to the universal jeans fitting problem from Emi (Letters from the End Consumer)!

  17. Rollergirl says:

    Hmm, tricky. I would suggest Helmut Lang if you can find them. Where are you buying your Nudie jeans in America? I have to get mine shipped to London from Australia. Ridiculous!!

  18. Sister Wolf says:

    Rollergirl -you can get em at and some other places…I’ll get back to you with the websites xo

    Deadbeatmom and Katie -Just letting you know that I can see your IP. You can keep on posting as different people, but I’ll know it’s you!

  19. Sister Wolf says:

    Katie – Unless you can either be funny or interesting, what’s the point?

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