The Eyebrow Lady

Today I went to my favorite beauty supply shop, on a street in a wealthy community where everyone is too thin and the people sitting outside Peete’s Coffee are  talking  to their agents on their iPhones. It’s a great shop that carries every obscure brand you’ve ever heard of and the sales people leave you alone unless you want their help.

I picked out two hair products that won’t have any effect on the quality of my hair, but I enjoy the process of wasting money this way. At the counter, a woman was asking for help with her eyebrows. She was explaining that her eyebrow has a cowlick and nothing she’s tried could solve the problem.

I was fascinated. The sales person was eager to help, and obviously relished the opportunity. She suggested eyebrow gel, but the woman said that gels haven’t worked. I managed to  suppress  my urge to butt in.  Personally, I swear by Lancome eyebrow gel in Brunet. It grooms the brows nicely and makes them look nice and full.

The sales person suggested  mustache  wax to tame the problem hair. I thought this was a great idea, even though I know you can actually get eyebrow wax at Bloomingdales or somewhere. It’s probably the same stuff, right? But the woman balked at mustache wax. She changed the subject to the dark circles under her eyes but continued to  complain  about her eyebrows. They were the bane of her existence, she said bitterly.

Finally, I couldn’t stand it. “Just pull that fucker out!” I snapped helpfully. Everyone turned to look at me. The sales woman smiled and said, “You’re so funny!” the way people do when they’re shocked by your candor. The eyebrow lady whined, “No, then I’ll have a bald spot!”

Now that I was involved, I offered a barrage of solutions but the eyebrow lady shot down each one. I began to realize how agitated she was. Maybe she didn’t really want help. Now she was complaining about the concealer she’d been offered and she refused to try the moustache wax.   The sales woman turned to assist another customer and the eyebrow lady announced that she would try a department store, where “someone has the time” to give her their “complete attention.”

I realized  that  she was nuts. Not in any dramatic way, but still nuts. One of the things I love about the beauty supply store is listening to women explain what they’re looking for, in a beseeching tone that reveals their absolute belief that something will make them beautiful and happy. I find it so poignant. The belief and the hope in that beauty supply store could fill several churches.

The eyebrow lady was an anomaly that almost ruined my pleasure in wasting $42. Almost. But when she left the store, everything was restored to normal.   I was disappointed that the nail polish I wanted was discontinued: it’s called “Bring on the Bling” and I tried it on last week when my BFF was having a manicure. It was like an entire Mardis Gras in a bottle.

Thank god I can still enjoy beauty products and I’m not a crazy eyebrow lady. That is my affirmation for today.

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31 Responses to The Eyebrow Lady

  1. katrina says:

    Holy Crap! that said “in stock” the first time I looked at it, then “out of stock” after I posted it!! Anyway, 12-14 bucks or so on eBay, and it IS really gorgeous!

  2. Sister Wolf says:

    Katrina – Wow, I can’t believe those fuckers changed it to out-of-stock. Thank you for the research. I am inspired to find some. xoxo

  3. andrea says:

    Your post has re-affirmed my belief that when you feel a little down, you should always venture out into the world and you will see that there are so many people that are so much worse off or crazier than yourself. It always helps me to feel better.

  4. andrea says:

    I’m gonna go over to my local beauty supply place and see if I can find your polish for you. I’ll keep you posted.

  5. Cricket9 says:

    Oh, for fuck’s sake! There are tons of products that I’m sure would work, not even including mustache wax. Get over yourself, eyebrow lady, your “eyebrow cowlick” is not the centre of attention for the whole world.
    You are definitely a better woman than I, SW. You find it poignant and offer advice, while I’d want to kick her in the shins.

  6. Ann says:

    Speaking as a batshit crazy woman myself, I must agree – that woman was batshit crazy.

  7. La Belle Demimondaine says:

    Okay, this may be the funniest thing I’ve read all week. I must say, I admire your courage, because I find that when I run interference on the Crazy Eyebrow Lady prototype, they immediately turn and latch onto me with the full force of their tractor-beam-magnet-crazy.

    Way to successfully engage and disengage, without being sucked into the vortex of high-drama 😉

  8. Debbie says:

    I fucken hate my eyebrows too. They’re horrible. I have to paint them on every day and it’s a pain in the ass. *Sigh*. Wax, gel, I’ve even used hairspray on a toothbrush to groom them (which works quite well actually) … anywhoo, loved the post. You always make me laugh.

  9. Juri says:

    “And the sales people leave you alone unless you want their help.” = Heaven!

  10. Jillian says:

    Sister, Jane got her own apartment!

  11. Andra says:

    I used to shave my eyebrows when I was a teenager and now all that grows is a thin line, which is fine with me. I don’t do anything to them at all.

    However, I have very, very high eyebrows and I think I always look slightly startled.

    Ah, well. It’s MY look – the startled old bat look may well turn out to be the IN look for my generation this season.

    What’s that you say? No? So, you’re saying I’m STILL out of fashion? Damn!

  12. kate says:

    i had a great experience at clinique. i told the girl what was wrong with my skin. she told me what products i should buy. i bought the products, and in a couple of days, my problems were fixed.

    listening to people who know what they’re talking about and following good advice seem to be skills dying out in this culture of… victimhood? entitlement? complacency? i dunno what’s wrong with some people, but i’ve run into these batshit crazies myself… these people that ask for help, but just want to be given pity or something. maybe they even get a kick out of making someone seem like they can’t do their job of fixing eyebrows.

  13. Kelly says:

    I have a fucker I pull out on a regular basis. As a church-goer, I’m still waiting for the belief and hope to win out over desperation.

  14. Kelly says:

    And yes, yes…the response “You’re so funny!” to candor is priceless. Thank you for capturing that.

  15. Danno says:

    For those of you with thin brows I can’t stress enough the miracle of Latisse. I bought the generic brand, Lumigan ($70), and after 3 months my eyelashes were incredible! The doctor advised me not to apply to the brows but I used what little remained on the applicator on them anyway and had excellent results. No brow pencil necessary. Unfortunately, once you decide to stop using the product you should expect shedding which will leave you with less lashes and brows than before. They’ll grow back within a month or two.

    Off topic… I visited Pond of Galoshes for the first time in a long while. I see girlfriend is looking thinner these days. As self absorbed as ever. And mom, though she looks great, should have ordered the neck lift with her facial refinement. Tsk, tsk.

  16. Brittany says:

    The only girl I know named Katrina was the girl the guy I liked ran off with after we made out in his car for the first and last time. He told me he’d date me for two weeks if I blew him. I didn’t. We had been drinking, so all the details are muffed, but there was no sex. Anyway, him and Katrina are broken up now and he called me a few weeks ago to apologize for the makeout incident that happened over a year ago. Because he was a son of a bitch about the whole thing. And my heart is still broken. But I messed it all up before the incident anyway. Being a crazy, selfish kid.
    Oh, and Hurricane Katrina.

    This is how I feel everyday as I have a shitty job in retail; about the eyebrow lady. But with towels and shoes and baby clothes. One time I asked a lady how she was doing and she told me she had been receiving phone calls from South America where these guys were asking for money and threatening her life if she didn’t send it. I suggested she notify the police or the FBI or the Navy Seals or something. She just kept giving me all the details of the phone calls. This lady doesn’t want help with her problem she just wants someone to know it exists. That she exists. There’s just so many fucking people in the world. I wish I was gay so someone could tell me it gets better.

  17. WendyB says:

    A friend of mine who is a makeup artist at a day spa type of place told me a similar story about a woman who came in to complain about the results of a facial…every solution that was offered was rejected. She clearly had other issues that had nothing to do with her skin. Creepy.

    I’m definitely not a crazy eyebrow lady, so I’ll pat myself on the back for that too. Some people find me too relaxed about my eyebrows. Despite my mother’s warning, as a teenager, I plucked my brows within an inch of their life. Now when I occasionally go to get them shaped, whatever random brow-shapers I see scold me about how asymmetrical I am, etc. They always accuse me of recent plucking. Lady, I messed up 30 years ago. I’m fucking over it now. Just do what you can without giving me drama!

  18. Bevitron says:

    Well, the older and less-estrogenized I get, the more I have eyebrows like a schnauzer. They require twice a week attention, at least. And there’s always a couple in the patch that grow in pure white and bristly. Eeeeew! So I grew nose-bridge length fringe that hides when I forget the maintenance. Eyebrow problem solved.

  19. annemarie says:

    I think that my natural eyebrow shape is closest to “mysterious thick,” which says an awful lot.

  20. MizLottie says:

    Larchmont Beauty, perhaps?

  21. Sister Wolf says:

    MizLottie – Montana, “Number One Beauty Suppply”

    annemarie – Yours are the shit! Yours are the one I want.

    Bevitron – The pure white ones are Lucky Omens. That’s a way to feel affection for them. I’m much too busy picking at my legs to care for my brows.

    Brittany – What the hell are yu talking about, dear? How is Katrina? Have I misse something?

    Wendy – Oh please, you are flawless. Keep quiet about your beauty “problems”.

  22. hammie says:

    some people do not want help. They just want someone to listen to them bitch for a while….

  23. Braindance says:

    Having been a librarian, I should have a badge of endurance for the sheer amount of care in the community I have done for the lonely and sometimes insane people

    We once had an advert on the website that said:
    Got a question?
    Ask a librarian!

    My favourite went like this:
    (Posh old shouty man)
    “Hello, HELLO? Yes, I am looking for the date Rumleigh brickworks burnt down; I don’t know what year, or month, maybe 1819? But I do know it was on a Tuesday”

    “Yes, hi, do you have any books?”

    No actually, the best/worst however you want to look at it was when I had to ask a man why he was sat at a computer with a priest to his left and a woman with a toddler in a pram to his right whilst he looked at hardcore porn, 10 am in the morning. True story.

    Or, (sorry I’m getting into this now) the lady who was obsessed with Bin Laden, she made a turban out of old lady scarf’s and would come in and use the computers to research all kinds of stuff whilst muttering to herself.
    The library (my manager, not me) took it proper serious and sent in the computer I.T posse, who took the computer away to look at what she was looking at, they came sweeping in like the x files with dark suits and sunglasses, just incase someone had designs to bomb a rural library.

    I was teased at school for apparently having eybrows like mountain peaks, I have never plucked them in my life, but have to admit, they are rather peaky.

  24. Kellie says:

    I am glad I waited until my later years to become an eyebrow do-er. I cant believe that shaving them off means they will never grow back!!! Why the hell does that phenomenon not work on other areas of the body???

    With my red-violet and black hair, it is necessary to dye them darker to avoid looking naked. And they are high above my glasses. I am not surprised looking, just like I think I am above the idiots.
    Which I of course am.

  25. This post makes me miss my Miami trips – lots of nutcases with time on their hands, and they all shop at Aventura Mall and Bal Harbour. It was worth shopping there for the entertainment value alone. Sister, you would LOVE it.

  26. Brittany says:

    Sister, I saw that the person who commented first was named Katrina and I had a bit of a cathartic release; you haven’t missed anything. The second paragraph was in response to the eyebrow lady. I apologize for any confusion.

  27. she should have just trimmed it with nail scissors. I have the same problem and that’s what I do.

    also, “I wish I was gay so someone could tell me it gets better” is the best emo quote ever.

  28. Liz says:

    I love this story!!! Just pluck the fucker out!
    You really are a priceless gem.x

  29. Myra says:

    I went to get my eye brows done cuz I have not found tha perfect person tha actually know how to do them there a mess there round no arch different than all the other times no body can do my eyebrows an I hav a lot I’m pretty wats the problem heeeeelp pls looveur story thanks for sharing it.

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