Oh god, I was minding my own business (relatively) on facebook, where I have recently reconnected with an old friend. There on his profile page I was accosted by an idiotic comment from a creep I once had sex with! Ugh, WTF!
Would you like to hear the story?
Okay. I was single and between marriages and apparently desperate for companionship. This creep was the friend of my friend (I think) and he bore a vague resemblance to someone I had once adored.
In my head, I named John Blodgett “The Facsimile.” He was nine years younger than me and never tired of mentioning the age difference. I was around 33 but thanks to him I felt like Old Mother Hubbard.
He was studying English literature somewhere and was a terrible writer. He took himself more seriously than anyone I’ve ever met, before or since. He hated his mother. He liked Faulkner, never a good sign.
We finally slept together and it was disastrous. He did not know shit from Shinola. I was mortified. I didn’t relish the teacher role; it was bad enough being the older woman. Each time, it got worse instead of better. I wondered if he was deliberately trying to withhold pleasure and frustrate my needs.
One night, we were driving home from somewhere and he started drinking at the wheel. I was alarmed but he just laughed and drove faster. That night, he told me that things weren’t working for him. I listened in disbelief. How could such a loser want to dump me?
No matter how many times I reviewed it, I couldn’t understand what had happened between us. I felt cheated and wanted my money back. I wrote him a letter, calling him a Facsimile and giving him an honest evaluation of his writing. I suggested that he get a map of the female anatomy, and advised him to procure both a psychiatrist and a nose-job.
He wrote back, saying he planned to use my letter in his English class. I replied with the promise of a lawsuit. At some point, he attempted to ‘make friends.’ I either ignored him to told him to fuck off.
Ah, life is funny, isn’t it? I haven’t thought of him in years and years. Here is what he wrote on my old friend’s facebook page:
I’m really interested in hearing more about your (former) restaurant and your entreprenueurial career in general. You are one of the few people– maybe the only one I know– who’s managed to carve out a prosperous nontraditional work life. I’m getting burnt out on teaching in the inner city and it’s only going to get worse. Just a couple of days ago a respected teacher friend of mine was accused (quite brazenly & unfairly) in the New York media of inappropriate touching with his students and– poof!– a distinguished 25+ year career in teaching is down the toilet. I think I need to start thinking of alternatives to being at the mercy of crack babies with ghetto attitude. I admire what you’ve done and envy your cabin.
Hahaha! What a fucking cunt !
i think your rage is rubbing off on me…
Sing with me….tell it like it is….
… ONLY a nose-job?
that inner-city comment….whatever. needs to get a clue.
you crack me up tho!
I am apt to agree with editor. What a fuck wad!
Drinking AT the wheel?! :-O
You slept with him more than once?!
Sorry, sorry it is so funny, your writing that is and geez seriously the man is a trog what were you thinking! Did you have beer googles on? It’s not just the plainness of features it is the ugly nature seeping from his pores even on a damn facebook photo. Oh there is nothing worse than a malfunction in your life rearing their ugly head.
If any of my past John Blodgett’s tried to contact me now I’d puke. Eww.
This is the kind of thing which keeps me off Facebook. Like Fashion Herald I would be disgusted by any “friending” or “poking” by any ex-blodgett of my own.
Unfortunately there are about three out there who have distinctly blodgettesque characteristics – pretentiousness, fugliness, bad-in-bed-ness, bad writingness etc (although i at least managed to break-up with two of them first).
No wonder inner city schools are in crisis. I hope you don’t “friend” him on FB.
What a prick.
I agree with skye, no facebooking, no facing ugly pasts that may want to head their ugly rears into the present.
By the way, Sister, what’s his name looks way older than he should. Fate has a way of catching up with turds like him.
i think you should just come over to my house so we can make fun of people on each other’s facebook accounts over adult beverages. let’s talk some shit.
I’m sorry. That’s disgusting. No one should ever have to see a horrible sex partner again. Ever.
I had an exboyfriend that my friend and I use to call “the queef”. Queefs feel odd but they fall ten points short of being sexually exciting. That’s what this guy was. Not even queef worthy. Had the sexuality/personality of a piece of cardboard. I can’t even remember his last name right now to save my life. How terrible is that?
Once you said that you don’t know what’s the Facebook for, here you go, got your answer.
Next time deny everything.
Um excuse me, but isn’t “a friend of mine” an advice column pseudonyme people like “The Facsimile” use to disguise themselves? Someone should advice him to tell “his friend” that inappropriate touching is just as unacceptable in a restaurant as it is in an inner city school. But at least it seems he has taken your advice and is studying the female anatomy.
I hate facebook, sometimes. Last year, “a friend of mine” ran into my ex-wife there. Her husband and children were asleep so she had a good quiet time to drink too much vodka, look me up and reconnect. It had been 10 years since we had had any contact, and 16 years since the divorce. The first thing she did was to dig up some 15-20 year old crap and start throwing that on me. It was like a time machine! Then she went through my pics and took the time to write some drunken incoherent insult on every one of them. After that she lashed out at my friends.
What a fucking cunt TM! When I was 20 I had a girlfriend who once stabbed me in the thigh when I was asleep. After the reconnection experience with my ex-wife, the crazy girlfriend suddenly seemed like the mentally balanced one of the two. Of course, I haven’t run into her on facebook yet.
sounds like he’s worried the same thing will happen to him… he shouldn’t encourage extracurricular activities so much.
amazing how he’s struck a tone that is quite precisely both ‘envious’ and pompous.
worst thing is probably the overwhelming feeling of … no shit, I actually bothered to give this fuckwit the time of day?
I’m happy to tell you that I left all my ex-girlfriends (and actually, now I come to think about it, there were an awful lot of them who became ex- rather quickly!) in a state of bliss verging on ecstasy, so much so that they usually couldn’t find words to speak afterwards. I think it may have been my loving tenderness that got to them, the way in which after the event, which sometimes in my efforts to be thoughtful I would make last for over a minute, I would give them a fond slap on the rump and ask them, “How was that for you, old girl, pretty damned good, I reckon”, before rising from the couch of Eros to fetch another beer whilst trying not to fart – always be a gentleman, see, that’s the trick of it.
editor – Well, aim it at John Blodgett!
Suebob – HAHAHAHA! I’m trying!
Susan – LOL!!! It was 22 years ago, but yes, you’re right.
Meredith – Yep, “inner city” shit is priceless, couldn’t have asked for more.
arline – Go on, you can say douchebag.
WEndyB – Maybe he thought Hemingway would like it!
Jill – Just kill me.
Make Do – Thank you for your eloquence.
fashion herald – They should all just leave the planet, ideally.
Skye – Oh Skye, three of them?! I can tell you know your blodgetts.
WCGB – I’d rather die, don’t worry.
Bex – UGH!
OMGGMAB – It DID seem to catch up with this one! So bitter and whiny.
alittlelux – Please, let’s do!!!
Mark – Exactly, thank you.
Haha – Try to forget his first name. too.
dust – Well, I’m still in an Honesty Mode. Later, I will deny.
juri – God, jesus. What a fucking cunt TM is right! May I kill her for you?
miss Wombat – I love how you read him so effortlessly. xoxoxo
david – That is all we ask, speaking for my entire gender.
This article and the one about stealing your neighbour’s stick and the discussion on autoerotic asphyxiation are why I treasure your blog so deeply.
God yes…what were you thinking? Good for a laugh though!
Pretentious creep! He’s ruining my happy place
You should just reply and say that you’re sorry but you have developed selective amnesia, it always does the trick for me
Moda – Thank you! How nice of you!
sam – Maybe life gives you awful experiences so you’ll have something to laugh about later.
nic – I do have selective senility. I use that excuse every day.
Oh my girl you may never know!
Been there….(but not literally)
wow….he was my English teacher in high school….good to know he thought we were all crack babies!
He is a cunt!!
Gosh, he was my teacher in High School!! I’m sure the principal there would love a screen cap of his FB post! I know this was some time ago, but if you can produce it, I’d love to give it to them! By the way, this “crack baby” is a respected higher education official with “friends.”
I take offense I am not a crack baby. All my papa did was smoke weed and drink a colt every day.