Want To Look Like a Rhinoceros?

rhino shoe junya 974

Well me neither, but that’s just us. What do we know? We’re so basic.

rhino shoe 2

Spending $974 would be a small price to pay for broadcasting to the world that we are edgy, daring and hostile.

Actually, if you’re following fashion as neurotically as I do, you’ll know that all anyone cares about right now is the perfect low-top white sneaker. You have to get a very special kind that’s so Nothing, you can’t figure out why it costs $395 or $695, depending on whether it’s Common Projects or Raf Simons.

You will wear your perfect white sneakers with your shapeless minimalist shroud by The Row, or your cropped flare jeans by Frame or Mother that hit your leg at just the right part of your calf to look especially, calculatedly, awkward. And you’ll be carrying a nondescript handbag by Mansur Gavriel.

Or, you can just wear some oversized streetwear by Vetements that only other idiots will recognize, because Kanye.

Fashion is so monumentally irritating!

How do fashion bloggers and magazine editors keep up their enthusiasm? Fashion is so loaded with class signifiers and mindless imitation and sweatshop slavery. You can’t set your own trend unless you’re Rihanna. Everybody tries to wear what everybody is wearing, because otherwise you’ll look like a know-nothing who can’t keep up or afford to emulate a Rhinoceros.

Right now, I’m wearing a pair of black cords by Paige Jeans and a silk shirt by Equipment. You won’t know how cool I am unless you read a lot of fashion shit, but trust me. I got them at Salvation Army or Goodwill, which only shows how devoted I am to my coolness and label-whoring.

Now, if all this means nothing to you, I salute you! You’re my fucking hero.

And I offer you these banana shoes by Dolce & Gabbana, priced to sell at a reasonable $1,745.

banana shoes 1745


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17 Responses to Want To Look Like a Rhinoceros?

  1. emily says:

    There is just too much to process and it can render you unable to make a decision about anything! I’ve had a wall primered for 6 months because I can’t commit to a color. It’s this fucking Internet with design blogs, pinterest and too many asshole opinions. How do I know I’m making the right decision? Does it compliment my home’s color profile? Does the color combo occur in nature, like is it organic? It’s not a color from 2014 is it? Does the color have green undertones? I don’t know the answers. It’s too much for a person like me. I feel as though I want to move into a trailer and sponge paint everything then smoke cigarettes out on my cement steps.

  2. Marky says:

    Junya can do no wrong—ish.

  3. Miranda says:

    SO damn hideous! Love Emily’s comment. ??? Glad you’re on Twitter. ?

  4. Miranda says:

    My emoticons transfer as ??????’s.

  5. Andrea says:

    The shoes are not for real life but I still love CDG & Junya. Sorry!

  6. Sister Wolf says:

    Andrea – Hey, don’t apologize, I’m sorry for you!

  7. Sister Wolf says:

    Marky – You too, although I do love by Junya wool biker pants.

  8. David Duff says:

    Further to your question above, I think I qualify as your “fucking hero”. So salute me, already!

  9. Sister Wolf says:

    David Duff – Of course you’re my fucking hero, I thought that was clear!

  10. k8 says:

    I’m not very keen on getting older right now…(um, yeah) but the one thing I like about getting older. It’s fashion: I don’t give a shit anymore. I wear what I love, cause I know how to dress myself to look how I want to look. Happy to leave it all behind. And the other best part…fashions all over the fucking place. pick your look, knock yourself out. I love that.

  11. Suspended says:

    Shoe 1.
    S&M Triceratops. Looks like the kind of thing teenage girls buy to keep their necklaces and rings on. Probably smell like a Chinese factory fire, all burnt plastic and mothballs.

    Shoe 2.
    Carmen Miranda’s house slippers. I feel like a racist just looking at them.

  12. Too funny. You can easily look hostile in camo pants from the army/navy store (or Goodwill – I get so much there, too), a cheap black t-shirt, and some fake gauge earrings (soooo reasonably priced) by dewidesign on Etsy. That combo is my “do not approach” look. Not that anyone would approach, but just in case. Basically, my uniform, ha ha.

    Please keep the goods coming! Can’t survive allergy season w/o your posts!

  13. Kellie says:

    Suspended-I second the S and M shoes.
    However, I dont feel raicist about the banana shoes. I feel like the waitresses in my local Cuban restaurant would dig them. (And they are not all minorities, fyi)
    But for $20.00, not over 1K.

  14. Stephanie says:

    Salute me, please!

  15. Dj says:

    I love the black shoes!! Can kick ass in all directions! Yay!

  16. Madam Restora says:

    I like the banana palm tree sandals. Is that wrong?

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