Sea has been busy busy busy. Above, she models the first creation of a new jewelry and belt line that she and Mom are launching. Hopefully, there will be giant slugs and cockroaches too.
Secretly, Sea has been visiting the brothels of Bangkok, looking for Asian boys with prominent anuses. She has become a favorite with the locals, who scream and hold out their prosthetic legs, hoping she will reward them with a Miu Miu platform bootie or Givenchy ballet flat.
While Sea was off indulging her appetite for hipster porn, Mom discovered that after spending $25,000 at Barneys, she could pick up a Celine bag with her free points! You can see it over at her blog. Meanwhile, Mom plundered eBay for its most icky offerings, including this tragic ‘dragon sweater’:
The sweater will look cool with another of Mom’s recent eBay finds, a scary fish pendant:
Back at Mom’s blog, she shows off some other crap she “won” on eBay. She still can’t use the word “buy!” I love this stubbornness so much, it reminds me of myself and that’s what I look for in people.
Mom’s shopping has gotten so out of control, Sea has threatened to delete her blog. Mom begged Sea to reconsider, even promising to hand over all her curated knits from the 70’s, including every single Adolfo cardigan jacket rejected by Nancy Reagan.
Sea is planing to replace Karl Lagerfeld at Chanel, based on her work with crayons. Karl is upset, but you can’t fight progress. Yohji and Junya have gone into hiding.
Mom is hoping to work for Sea, without whom her life would be an endless quest for bad jewelry and letters to her ex-husband, begging for funds. Mom has been calling Carol, tattling on Sea’s naughty lesbian proclivities, hoping Carol can persuade Sea to make up with Akbar.
Carol is too busy to leave her studies but here’s what she wrote to Mom:
Dear Mom, I think you should let Jane be free to follow her dreams. You should find a way to fulfill yourself without exploiting Jane or Dad. I’ve learned here at school that there’s more to life than hoarding material goods. Love, Carol.
Do you have a comment for Jane? You can leave one here, thanks to my gracious gift of comment space for this purpose.
Dear Jane Was that scarab thing left over from the Mummy films? Is this part of your history homework you’ve set yourself. I do hope the rumours are true and you are Karl’s heir in waiting. I’m sure Coco Chanel would admire how you have started with nothing and fought to acquire such items even using your body to do so – she was all for a bit of sack action as a liberated forward thinking woman of her time. Anyway back to your affair with Brad Pitt is it true he suggested when the time comes you initiate Maddox in your favoured ‘dirty old man’ role. Time to ditch the mother – it’s worth falling out and breaking free, think of the book deal and film rights.
Sorry Sea, of course it wasn’t Brad – it was you, Angelina and Vanessa.
Long time lurker here. Can we please talk about Sea’s recent attempt to be edgy in hooker boots and ‘steampunk’ belt? It’s very hard to be edgy when you can BUY Tatsuyuki Tanaka… Better stick to spoilt, pampered rich kid, Sea. At least you can do a good job at that.
Is that belt buckle papier mache? I think I made a similar thing during “Minibeasts” week at primary school.
Alright Jane, you’re legal now. I been sprung on you for three years, since I saw your outfit posts on thefashionspot and we had a moment.
PM me plz. We’ll run away to Cabo San Lucas like Brenda and Dylan on O.G. 90210. We can live in a giant shoe…not just any shoe…an Alaia S/S 2013. We’ll be the old ladies who lived in a clawfoot kitten fur crescent wedge platform…but we DO know what to do and do and do. Or we could live in a giant solar-powered anus if you prefer. (I’m sure you know who this is, dear).
first let me, bawhahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaahahahahh!
i prefer to read your “investigative” insight about the real thing going on with mom and sea. This is getting juicy!
OMG i have a tragic sweater too, given to me by my aunt from States cos i believe she doesn’t like it so she’s passing it to me.
My style is so third world i couldn’t understand what’s chic and not. It’s time to resurrect the tragic sweater.
Just when dressing like a Dallas woman “ironically”, becomes dressing like a Dallas extra? Just something for Shoes and mother to consider while they spending their points.
Sister, i’m dying to know your take on Tavi’s “sponsored” blog.
No, seriously – what’s with these people and their propensity to cover themselves in giant animals made from weird materials? Could the scarab be any bigger? I’m really looking forward to giants slugs and roaches – I think we already had lobsters a while ago?
I would wear the hell out of that sweater, no shit.
The beetle is 9 inches long.
heh heh heh
I want the beetle belt! It’s so freaking ugly it has passed on to freaking must have. I would pay $5.00 for it! Is that too much? I cud wear it as a collar (adding little brass bell for sound effect).
oh god, i forgot about sea’s destruction of a coloring book.
Sea, don’t try to get into the art scene. You just CAN’T get away with it.
OK, I actually checked Mom’s page and verified the following information about the beetle disaster:
“The beetle belt is cast of solid bronze and hand finished, and weighs just a little over a pound. He measures 9 inches long and 3 .5 inches wide. We will be designing and hand finishing the belt that fits the buckle as well. This belt will retail for $600.”
I don’t even know where to start. A belt? Weighing over a pound? 9 inches long? $600?
Ha ha — I have no idea who Sea and Mom and Carol are, but this is hilarious!
dear jane
i am an asian boy with a prominent anus.
call me!
Dear Jane, radioactivity is in the air for you and me.
It’s a rhinoceros beetle – and not a very good one!
Sea… don’t bother with an education sooooo boring.. you’ll always look as you do now at 18 and have all the ugly shoes you can wear life is like that
Dear Sis…
I just want to thank you for your blog. It’s the ONLY blog I make a point to read daily. I’m in a shitty mood and just wrote a super emo post- the self-pitty kind you hate… but I feel better already just by reading this shit.
You make me laugh every day and I thank you for that.
Love, (and I mean love)
Celine (like the bag Mom procured)
that belt is straight out of cronenberg’s ‘naked lunch.’ i hope mama sea makes an exploding head next.
Dear Jane,
Though we don’t have similar style at all, I do hope we can be friends. In fact, we are practically opposite in disposition, style-wise. Given that you buy so very much, how is it possible that everything you adore, I find totally aesthetically abhorrent? I mean, even a stopped clock is right twice a day!
But, Sea, the thing is this. According to the UN’s World Food Programme, for the price of that belt one could feed twelve starving children of primary school age for a year. One belt. Twelve children. One year. Isn’t there something you could do to, you know, give back? Where do you even keep all of that stuff, anyway? You even don’t know where half of it is, do you?
I mean, it’s possible there is something called divine right, in which case it is just and divinely ordained that you deserve to be spending, like, hundreds and thousands of dollars, every day, on clothes and shoes (made by potentially abused people, I might add). The other possibility is that life is random and haphazard, and you have been handed an amazing gift. What are you going to do with it? (Besides handing it to net-a-porter.)
Love,
Me
Dear Jane,
People have been saying you’ve got real skinny lately, and they might have said you need to put on a couple of pounds, but they meant in fat, not just by attached overpriced belt objects to your hip bones.
attaching*
Sofia- in all fairness, Sea has always been (at least on her blog, back when I read it) tiny of waist. It’s not always apparent from what she wears, but I guess it is, here.
The belt weighs a pound? What is it, a multitasking waist dumbbell (sp.?)? My third world self does not get it. I don’t get ‘ironic’ dressing either, but what do I know?
Dear Sea,
I was young and lived in texas once. And now Im 25 and still in Texas. Get out! You know you want to. Just leave and go to tokyo or paris or something. you have the money, youth, brains, and beauty to survive on your own. so what if you dont want to go to school. your afraid i get it but the alternative is looking a lot like grey gardens for you and your mother. stop letting her make you feel like you cant do this with out her. stop wrapping your identity up in your mothers youth and past life because when she was your age she was doing amazing things all on her own. stop trying to make lovers out of all of your gay friends. seriously. rejection is sad and you probably feel misunderstood by the average white suburban guy but once again your just afraid. and the more you post your budding relationships on the web and invite the whole world into what should be an intimate sector of your life, the quicker that relationship will die. wearing those crazy and expensive outfits make you feel brave im sure and daring but brave is an action not an outfit. stop making a sister and girlfriend out of your mother and be a sister to your sister. do what she likes to do for once. put on sweats and bake with her or go to the park or something. stop taking pictures of yourself. get out of the mirror. there is all this beauty and fashion around you and you cant even see it because of your false vanity. If all your going to do is charge up your mothers card at barneys use that money to travel or learn and expand your mind. im still in texas because i have student loans and no money, why are you? you always claim how much you hate it. get some friends, girlfriends that care and that will listen and that like what you do. your wasting your time and money piddling away with porno and stuffed animals in dallas. Everyone needs therapy, you just want an audience at your sessions.
love,
father time
Dear Sea,
I am sorry, I cannot wait for the next ‘ Comments for Jane’ to tell you YOU ARE TOO OLD TO BE WALKING ABOUT TOWN WITH A TOY CAT. Especially when you have all those real dogs at home. I s’pose Carol gets sent out to walk those.
^^^
oh god the cat is gold. I’m not sure which blows my mind more, the stuffed cat or the coloring books.
father time, great post.
I used to sort of enjoy her blog, but would always feel a slight revulsion for how she just throws money and designer names around…now I see why she bothered me so much!
Honestly, that toy cat photo shoot was the last straw. She’s not cutesy or childish, she’s trying so hard to be an adult but obviously doesn’t know what it means..
it’s obvious from the pictures witht he cat, she’s not posing with the cat, but just shoving it under her arm like a…like it’s another designer bag!
stuffed aniimals deserve to be treated with more respect than that, poor thing.
Oh, God! This post is priceless! Much needed therapy for all the time I’ve spent on Sea of Shoes (and Atlantis Home) fascinated by their taste in footwear, yet feeling sullied by the constant self-absorption. This blog is officially added to my list of Regular Sites to Visit. (I’d give you Sea’s slot, but I deleted her from the line up after she began swooning over the fact that Kanye West paid her blog a visit. Ugh.)
Jenine, don’t tell them that! They probably love all sorts of ‘cool’ references to cult films and books like that!
And another choice piece from Father Time, Grey Gardens is really looking likely! Except every time Little Edie tried to leave I don’t imagine Big Edie went ‘stay! I’ll give you my vintage Kenzos’!