Grandpa and The Church Lady

This new reality series will be fun to watch, as long as you have a stiff drink on hand. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll want to smash your TV or whoever happens to be sitting next to you.

Grandpa is one of those crusty old guys with a hair-trigger temper. He’s a lot like Hank’s dad on “King of the Hill.” He usually talks in a soft voice, eerily reminiscent of John Travolta with the whistling “s.”

You can never be mean to Grandpa because he was tortured during the war. Not that war, the other one, where the poor little girl got burned with napalm. Anyway, Grandpa was on a bombing mission and ended up getting tortured. You heard me, HE WAS TORTURED. He was tortured for you, much like Jesus, only Grandpa was even braver.

The Church Lady is a real bully, and she smiles when she’s mad. She looks like a librarian, but in fact she tried to oust a librarian in Wasilla when the librarian refused to ban some books. She had to back down from the librarian, but became known for her vindictiveness. People were scared to incur her wrath. She fired the chief of police when she became mayor,   because she didn’t believe “in her heart” that he “supported her enough.”

This season’s highlight is when The Church Lady is questioned about the birth of her baby with Down Syndrome. Instead of just confirming that of course she is his mother, she shoves her pregnant teenager into the limelight to quash the rumors. THEN, the teenage babydaddy is rushed to town as a prelude to a shotgun wedding.

WARNING, SPOILER AHEAD!

In my favorite episode, The Church Lady brings her family on stage at a huge loud convention and reaches for her baby, turning around so the cameras can get a shot of his little Down Syndrome features. Too bad if he should have been shielded from the deafening noise and bright lights! He is a trophy now, just like the dead bears and wolves she loves to shoot.!

Tomorrow, we’ll try to have some fashion or something less horrible, like almost anything.

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38 Responses to Grandpa and The Church Lady

  1. ash says:

    oh my Goddess, it is funny but it’s TRUE!

  2. Skye says:

    So horrible – that poor little baby. Yuk.

    Please don’t let enough people vote for these bozos, please!

  3. hammie says:

    What books was S.P. trying to ban, and are they on Amazon?
    xx

  4. Lady K says:

    Sister Wolf, today is my birthday, and I thought I shall log on and see if the esteemed Sis can give me a laugh. Boy did you succeed, bloody brilliant!

  5. Oh gawd plese tell me it is an episode ofo Dallas and I’ll wake up from my dream and you’re blog post will have a necklace with cunt on it!

  6. Careee Onn says:

    Thanks you for pointing out what, as far as I can tell, no one has said yet: what the Palins did to that little baby last night is child abuse.

    Four-month-old babies have very sensitive hearing. He must have been confused and afraid. But, as you say, SP is happy to exploit everything around her (including Bristol) to get what she wants. Family values!

  7. annemarie says:

    aaargh! that fucking bitch! i watched most of the speech last night but then i got too riled and had to turn it off; i ended up dreaming about it anyway.
    there was one funny bit– did you happen to catch guliani trying to rouse the father of bristol’s baby out of his seat when the cameras turned to them and everyone stood up? and he just sat there, frozen to his seat, unable to move or even change his facial expression?

    the whle thing was truly disgusting and upsetting…her small town america, “being a town mayor is a little like being a community organizer only with actual responsibility,” and her fuckin sarky, snide, tone. horrible.

  8. tobilynne says:

    I know McCain was looking to grab the ‘women’s vote’ with SP once Hillary was out of the picture, but if the majority of women in this country vote for a right wing, anti-feminist, anti-women’s rights, anti-freedom of speech bitchface, I’m moving to Iceland or somethin’. WTF happened to this country?!

  9. Juri says:

    What a great episode it was last night! After Rudy Giuliani’s catty and hateful speech I thought I couldn’t get more physically ill or angry. I haven’t wanted to punch anyone in the mouth as badly in a long time as I wanted to punch Rudy Corleone. Just to shut him up.

    But Rudy 9/11 had nothing on Palin. She made me angry, disgusted, scared and then some, all at the same time. I used to think things can only get better after Bush, no matter who wins. I’m not so sure any more.
    If McCain wins and dies, and Palin becomes the president, it’s possible that I’ll miss the Bush-years as “not so bad”.

    And watching the convention’s glassy-eyed audience chant “usa, usa” and other slogans in a hateful frenzy! Speaking of scary stuff …

    Last night’s theme was supposed to be “prosperity” but no one seemed to mind that the topic was not discussed at all. But we did get a lot of references to McCain being tortured 30 years ago. It’s been nice of the convention scripters to remind us of his POW sufferings in every speech and interlude. Oddly enough, any of the country or gospel singers haven’t sung about McCain’s torture so far. Maybe tonight.

    I’m totally hooked on this new show! I just don’t know if I can survive it.

  10. Sloth says:

    This fucking show is making me feel all giddy and cracked out.

  11. gea says:

    I was horrified listening to her continuous attacks on Obama, and not a single word was dedicated to addressing anything pertinent to this election! I was even more horrified to see the teary eyed audience sitting in rapt attention and cheering at her blatant slander. YUCK!!! And that poor little publicity-stunt-for-public-sympathy-just-made-my-skin-crawl baby 🙁

  12. PatrickH says:

    Keep going, people. Keep going. President McPalin is waiting for you in high-heeled shoes and low-neck sweater.

    And speaking as a crypto-reactionary misogynistic Palin suck-up , I wonder what happened to those “rumors” about a fake pregnancy that SP is [still!] being criticized for “squashing”. Why do I suspect that we’ll be getting a “moving right along nothing to see here” signal on that soon-to-be-dropped-down-the-memory-hole subject from our midnight-tressed blogdess before long?

    You’re still not getting it. SP has redefined in about a single week what the word “feminism” means. The Right now owns it. And you, my darlings of the Left, handed it over to them. Couldn’t you have at least tried to charge them for the offering?

  13. Bex says:

    Ouch..hahahha…that’s too funny in a scary way.

  14. enc says:

    I only WISH it was an episode of “Dallas.” I used to think W was the absolute worst, that we couldn’t go any lower. Now I’m afraid these two are going to come up trumps.

  15. littlelux says:

    i can’t help but i feel a bit helpless against the beehive and the beast… this spectacle is becoming too much to bear.

  16. Sal says:

    When she used her baby with Down Syndrome as a pawn during that speech last night, I turned to my husband and said, “I now, officially, hate her with every fiber of my being.”

  17. PatrickH says:

    Yeah, Sal. I can see why. There’s a living human being sitting there being “used as a pawn”, and not what Palin’s enemies would have liked…an aborted lump of flesh in a jar waiting to be tossed out with the trash.

    Palin is challenging the feminist left in a direct in-the-face way that is absolutely fun (and riveting!) to watch.

  18. Patrick, if the GOP now owns feminism it’s welcome to it. Expect next shots of SP to show her savaging Alaskan Polar bear and sinking her pristine arctic-white teeth in its neck while Football holds her magnificent sweep of hair up, proud and manful as only a pachyderm jock liberated from all responsibility of being on an equal footing can be.
    And it’s disingenuous on your part to drop that hideous sidebar of an ‘aborted lump of flesh’ into the mix. I haven’t seen a single commenter playing it that way. Most here seem to sense the relevance of being alive to the debate, regardless of chromosomal headcount. Yes I’m biased and no I’m not eligible to leave her on an ice floe far from the red phone, but nonetheless it will affect me and my world too. Ain’t absolute fun from here.

  19. Sister Wolf says:

    ash, Skye and Make DO – I wish this was a show we could turn off.

    Lady K – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GODAMMIT!

    Hammie -So far, there is no data on which books offended her, but I’m hoping that will emerge.

    Careee Onn – Child abuse.

    annemarie – I didn’t notice that! I may have to watch it again, but I will need to be heavily sedated.

    Tobilynne – Iceland is supposed to be lovely. We may be joining you, but the husband is thinking New Zealand.

    WendyB – yes, but scary, right?

    Juri – I feel you pain, brother. The chanting during Guliani was like a Hitler Youth brigade.

    Sloth – you will need meds if you keep watching!

    gea, Bex, enc and little lux – maybe we need to see “Saw I, II and III” to increase our horror threshhold?

    Sal – every fiber, check.

    A- thank you!

    Nick – thank you for a sane male point of view.

    Patrick -I was merely reporting the rumors, remember? The truth (such as it is) turns out to be that SP was HIDING her pregnancy from her own parents, among others! I will send you that link, should you require it.

    I used the word “quash” because it’s the word I meant to use, not “squash.” I know you have a dictionary but I’m just aiming for clarity.

    I think YOU’RE not getting it. I know you feel a thrill when the Elite Liberals get all upset (or as Fred Thompson or somebody said, ‘the Angry Left.’)

    But you truly don’t understand why I’m reacting to Mrs. Palin! It is not about feminism or gender. I was no fan of Hillary Clinton, and I personally do not have a feminist agenda.

    I simply hate Mrs. P’s values! Everything she says she stands for, I hate. I want gun control, Roe vs Wade, schoolbooks that teach evolution, sex education for middle school and high school, protection for polar bears and wolves, and an end to the domination of our government by oil companies, the Saudis, and China.

    As Mary McCarthy said of Lillian Hellman: “Every word she says is a lie, including ‘and’ and ‘the.’

  20. annemarie says:

    hey all you angry people, why don’t you start you start a viral campaign against her a la “swiftboats against kerry” (or whatever it was). do PATRIOTS AGAINST PALIN! i mean she wanted Alaska to fucking secede from the union! this was in all the newspapers on monday, then somehow the story sunk without a ripple. man, if it were obama, the GOP would be all over it like a rash. jesus.
    (i would start PATRIOTS AGAINST PALIN myself except i’m not a citizen and would probably be expelled from the country. which actually might not be so bad…)

  21. Sister Wolf says:

    annemarie – We could call our campaign The PAP Smear!!!

  22. annemarie says:

    brilliant!

  23. Mark says:

    I’m speechless. I’m serious. What a rancid whore! We have to get the names of the books she wanted to ban!

  24. Mark says:

    Bristol’s pregnant with her father’s baby–everyone knows that.

  25. Mark says:

    Total Peyton Place.

  26. Mark says:

    A little investigation on the web shows that there might not have ever been a list of books that she wanted to ban–she didn’t get that far before the community rallied around the librarian.

    Okay, and further investigation shows that Bristol is not pregnant with her father’s baby…But I wouldn’t be surprised.

    This whole thing is disturbing, and it’s 1:18 AM, and I’m worked up. On one hand, I want to dive wholeheartedly into PAP Smear 2008, but on the other, I feel like those tactics are for the right-wing psychos. Then, on a third hand, those antics worked in 2000 and 2004 for the right-wing psychos. On one hand, I feel like Palin’s using her disabled son as an ostentatious badge of honor, but on the other, if she were keeping him in hiding, what message would that send? Then, I think all of this is a sick plan, designed to confuse the American public, play on guilt, fear, and hate. That photo of her 7 months pregnant is creepy. Why do I feel slightly guilty for hating her? The woman delights in killing moose, hates me (or prays for me–which is worse) because I’m gay, wants creationism taught in schools, gives her kids dumb names, has no foreign policy experience, has no clue what’s going on in the United States. Because the baby is cute–that’s why I feel slightly guilty. I’m over it now, though. Back to the show:

    Grandpa and the Church Lady

    In season two, a gay, formerly fat celebrity blogger with badly dyed hair and his own line of clothing at Hot Topic, takes a job as a manny for the Church Lady, hoping to break stories–like the one above. His charges are the Church Lady’s Down Syndrome baby and the Church Lady’s daughter’s baby. Church Lady needs a manny because she’s busy learning about foreign policy and speaking out against gays, abortion, and books with bad words in them. She has no time for little Trig. The Church Lady’s daughter needs the manny because she’s in high school, trying to graduate and move on to college. She has no time for her baby. She hopes to go to six different colleges like her mother. Wackiness ensues.

    I’m sorry. I’m just so anxious about all this. I can’t even concentrate on season two of Grandpa and The Church Lady. Let’s hope (and pray) that it goes off the air really soon.

  27. Sister Wolf says:

    Mark, just watch the video of her speech to the Assembly of God in June, and your guilt will evaporate, leaving only pure unadulterated fear.

  28. alias clio says:

    I simply hate Mrs. P’s values! Everything she says she stands for, I hate. I want gun control, Roe vs Wade, schoolbooks that teach evolution, sex education for middle school and high school, protection for polar bears and wolves, and an end to the domination of our government by oil companies, the Saudis, and China.

    Sister, when I read Americans going on like this about Sarah Palin (or a number of other matters), I find myself wondering how many of you remember that you live in a country with a “federal” political system. That is, your federal government has I believe very little influence on gun control, evolution in schoolbooks (is Sarah Palin against this, anyway), and sex education in the high schools and middle schools. Those are state concerns, surely?

    Abortion is another matter: that was achieved by imposing it upon the whole country by a somewhat eccentric interpretation of the “right to privacy” in your bill of rights. If you insist that the federal government assume control over the other issues you name as well, you will lay the country wide open to much greater centrol control in a way that could very well limit your freedoms – especially if a future federal government had different ideas about the values it wanted to espouse.

    The other issues you mention do involve federal powers. But the best way for the moment for the US to free itself of ‘domination” by the Saudis is to find new sources of oil in its own territory. Domination by China, such as it is, cannot easily be undone unless you know of a way to stop Americans from wanting cheap imports and (if I’ve understood the issues correctly) cheap credit. Raising tariffs against Chinese imports would likely seriously injure the US economy.

    I’m not by any means a whole-hearted admirer of your Republican party, which one Catholic blogger I know refers to as the party of “salvation by Leviathan by any means necessary”. But I don’t think Mr Obama has a very clear idea of what he’s getting into, either, or that many of his promises will be extremely difficult to fulfill without injuring the very people he pledges to help – working Americans. Meanwhile, in fighting Mrs Palin as a stand-in for the whole “culture war”, you’re playing into Mr McCain’s hands.

  29. PatrickH says:

    The greatest beauty of the West (or any other) Coast cried out:

    But you truly don’t understand why I’m reacting to Mrs. Palin! It is not about feminism or gender. I was no fan of Hillary Clinton, and I personally do not have a feminist agenda.

    I believe you have far more complex positions on issues like abortion, DS children, etc, than your wonderfully bohemian style might indicate. My dear Sister, hate Palin all you want. I can’t imagine a you that is you worshipping her…and I don’t want to imagine a you that isn’t you. I love you just the way you are.

    But clio has a point about playing into McCain’s hands (not you! The left in general, Dems!). The left has, as I’ve said, done serious damage to Obama’s campaign with its smear campaign against Palin…damage that would have been done even if all the rumours were true! If you grasp that point, you have some sense of the seismic culture shock blast that is Sarah Palin.

    This is big, cher louve, darling of both my central and peripheral nervous systems (to say nothing of my lymph nodes…or is it nymph lodes?). This last week has been an almost instantaneous redefinition of the emotional and moral ground of a deep cultural divide in the US that has lasted for decades. The fear that Palin has aroused is what underlies the animus…you yourself have said as much. The culture wars have just had a turnaround moment…the kind where in the movie the music starts to change.

    This is big. Almost as big as my love for you. Which is saying a lot, ’cause my love for you is bigger than…the biggest piano. Grasp that immensity and you have grasped the immensity of Sarah Palin.

    With admiration for your uniqueness and hope that it shall never fade nor wither,
    Patrick

  30. Paula says:

    I am more than proud of John McCain and Sarah Palin! How dare you belittle his service to our country. And Sarah Palin, what a strong courageous woman! It would be so much more productive if you would spend your time trying to build up your choice for President instead of trying to tear down two people with strong convictions, and the guts to stand up for what so many of us believe in!

  31. Imelda Matt says:

    I hope this doesn’t get syndicated!

  32. OMGGMAB says:

    I don’t know what any of us are worried about. “God” surely will take care of it all. You know, “He” willed the Iraq war and I guess Bushywad was just doing the “lord’s bidding” by sending teenagers to kill and be killed. I’ll pray about it.

    And by the way, to add to Alias’s government lesson, it might be wise to take a look at the history of the U.S. Constitution and to realize that the writers of that document sought to provide us “Freedom FROM religion”.

    Personally, I would like to see an entire campaign run without any candidate’s religious views being revealed. Let’s just see if they are good, capable people on their own accord. I don’t care what they think about God and I’m sick of hearing that “God” is the center piece of all their decision making. This is such a cop out, because any way things go, good or bad, the decision maker can always blame or praise an unseen being.

    Well how about considering that “GOD” gave YOU a brain. Try using it! Don’t be led like sheep to the slaughter by the promise more religiosity in our political system. Remember, that the founders of this country were fleeing religious persecution and they didn’t found this country based on religious freedom for the tyranny of the Christian majority to rule over the non-Christian minority!

    Practice TOLERANCE!

  33. bobzarro says:

    fuck, i missed you. it’s all right there…and I know something about people exploiting their sick children. and being drunk and yelling at republicans on my telvesion. in fact, i’m doing it right now as i type this. i’m like a drummer, except the word “fuck” is my highhat and this post is my snare.

  34. Reporting for duty as a member of PAP Smear. I am officially disgusted with the two of them. The whole thing might be entertaining if it weren’t so world-threatening.

  35. kudos to you for writing such an amazin blog my friend, you are very talented & you should be proud of your writing skills! I’m sure you got a high score on the sats lol

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