Madonna Finally Delivers!

Dear Madge,

I’ve always hated you but for once you’ve made me happy.   First, because while posing for a picture of my big biker boots, I realize that I’m five years older than you and I never exercise. Ha ha, all that time and torture, you could have been sitting around on your ass and still look okay!

Much more important, Madge, you announced your divorce just when this great country of our needs an intervention. The election is ruining our days and haunting our dreams. Nothing short of your break-up with Guy could have diverted my attention from the horror that is John McCain and Mrs. Palin. Just this short break from the every day grind of fear and loathing has been a tonic!

I’ve been longing for this divorce since the day you got married. It proves that you can’t just move into an English manor and adopt a silly accent and expect people to forget what an annoying egomaniac you are. You’ve got half a billion dollars and you still can’t figure anything out! All Guy wanted was to get to make his gangster movies and have a couple of pints at night with his mates, but no, you couldn’t let him be happy.

You had to go fill your cheeks up with Sculptra and steal a black baby and run around in your leotard instead of turning your attention to poor Guy. You had to spend every day with Gwyneth in the gym, bitching about fame and making her lose weight. You had to make everybody go all Kabbalah, even your innocent kids, and then you had to go and fuck a married baseball player.

FIne, we know how much you love Latinos and sports stars but Madge, you ruined Guy’s reputation as a director and then you made him fly to New York to pretend things were cool! What is it exactly that you want, besides big muscles and and Ed Hardy tracksuits?

Whatever it is, I hope you never get it. You’ve been a constant irritant in the oyster of my life, without producing one single pearl, unless you count my abiding hatred as a precious gem. I’ve hated you through every one of your phases, and I know I’ll hate you in perpetuity. If the sun rises, I’ll hate you, is what I’m trying to say.

Thank you Madonna for letting us change the subject, however briefly, and for teaching us the true meaning of schadenfreude.

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39 Responses to Madonna Finally Delivers!

  1. Aja says:

    You left out the part about her ruining his director credibility by insisting on starring in that hot mess of a film “Swept Away”. She fucked that one alright.

  2. jd says:

    It’s pretty pathetic when you waste all that space on somebody you supposedly hate. Jealous a little? In that picture, you look like a drag queen.

  3. Mark says:

    The review of Madonna’s new movie (one that she directed) is hilariously reviewed in the New Yorker this week. The review made me laugh out loud and left me with a warm feeling that I haven’t experienced since the Rancid Cunt from Alaska showed up.

    All of the recent photos of Madonna are truly horrific. I wonder how that married baseball player could do it (her) (it).

  4. Mark says:

    jd: This website is devoted to hate, so fuck off, you filthy twat.

  5. Sister Wolf says:

    Aja -totally awful, an embarrassment.

    jd – I have to say I’m with Mark on this one. Fuck off, you moron. I look awesome!

  6. Imelda Matt says:

    For all your good work with PAP, I’d like to overlook this post and pretend that it never happened. However, those boots are HOT and I’d be happy for you to wrap ’em around my head anytime.xxx

  7. hammie says:

    YOu look way hotter than Maddy and you have excellent Fadoobaders.
    I still have a grudging admiration for the Mads, sinewy man arms and all because she is a fellow OCD control freak and has the ability (or Money) to make sure every one does things the way she wants.

    There are precious few examples of powerful role models in this world and strong women can feel very isolated, a la the blonde one in “what women want”

    Whereas I play “Madonna Truth or Dare” on continuous loop when I feel I need a lesson in kicking people’s arses when they are out of line.

    Or doing things to a perrier bottle……..

    But yes, you are pretty, she isnt.

    xx

    And Dennis Leary really is an arsehole, apparently.

  8. Skye says:

    You look completely fantastic in those gigantic boots. I think I might hate Madonna if I’d been more of a grown up when she arrived on the scene (eg. my mother hates her a lot). As it was I was a little teenage 13 year old and so I kind of bought what she was selling – and as Hammie said, some of that was actually pretty useful.

    The sinewy arms, the kabbalah, the english accent, the leotards, the egomania – it’s all bad, very bad, yet somehow the hate just isn’t there!

  9. downsdad says:

    It’s nice to see a bit of division in our dysfunctional little family. It’ll help Guy to know that he’s down in empathy with the commoners. In one of those ‘Oh, isn’t-that-famous-person-dead-yet? moments, I had to double-take when this massive surprise was announced. And Guy doesn’t want none of her filfy mahney neiyver, guv. Refreshing. Possibly the best thing for him, this whole split, and in my naivete I do hope the kids don’t catch too much meeja flak. n e waze, he’s definitely her best release of the current century.

  10. Juri says:

    Sometimes, on a fleeting moment of insecurity, I seriously envy Madonna for his manly boxer shoulders but cannot really think of any other of her “accomplishments” over the last 20 years that I can say anything even remotely positive about.

    She and her “acting” do give me an occasional chuckle or two, though, every time I run into her movies on tv. Of course, I’m never able to finish any of them as there’s only so much accidental comedy one can take, but I do appreciate her persistence in ridiculing herself. Body of Evidence, anyone?

    But I’m happy for Guy. I hope he’ll at least get his own son away from her. The Malawi baby shop might take the new boy back too if Guy and Madonna don’t ask for a refund. They could also try to sell him on ebay.

    And jd – I’m with Mark and SW: Fuck Off!! She looks great, and I think you’re the jealous one here. What does “jd” stand for anyway? Jealous Dickface? Show us your face so we can insult you back or shut up.

  11. sleepy says:

    “I know who Guy is and it didn’t take much to see who she is – and it couldn’t work. If you muck about at that end of the market that’s what you get.”
    – Lady Amber Leighton (Guy Richie’s Mother)

    Smashing Photo!

  12. I love that my friend cahnge her facebook slogan to ‘the soon to be new Mrs Ritchie’. I actually felt sad that she couldn’t just relax and be ok with just being – why this continuing searching – what for? I love dlisted on Vadge as he calls her.
    I think if you hate her then this is completely hilarious and I veer between admiration for just doing and compelte concern that people get locked up for her behaviour yet money makes what she does acceptable. Also she is a complete sad fucker when it coems to sex and selling herself based on fetish and self delusion.
    I feel sorry for the kids although Rocco is the spit of his dad and I think he and Lourdes will be ok but poor old David – it doesn’t bear thinking about.

    Love the hate, glad you’ve had a distraction and yep jd get with the programme, not amount of obn (order of the brown nose) will get you the house in Mayfair.

  13. PS I meant that I veer between admiring Madonna and being appalled by her – god this cold is doing my head in!

  14. Jools says:

    love the boots. love the dress. i guess you have to be of a certain age to truly hate madonna. She is the original pop tart. (And she ripped off Debbie Harry while she was caring for her sick boyfriend.)

  15. A says:

    You hate Madonna. I Love You.

  16. OMGGMAB says:

    jd: Aren’t you the jackass who won the first Rockstar competition? Well you sucked as a lead singer and you suck now. Go back to licking a microphone.

    Juri, I’m pretty sure Sarah Palin has already gotten her bid in to buy the Malawi baby. She needs an addition to her multicultural family. Let’s see, a few white redneck kids, one druggy, one prego, a special needs child, a dumbass husband and to round it out nicely, a child of color. Sounds all American to me.

    Sister Wolf, you look great as always. The boots are fabulous on you and hey, if you can maintain without exercise, we are all jealous. As for Madonna, I’ve hated her for years. Her and that hideous cone bra outfit that made her look like a space alien. Of course, everyone says she’s such a great business person and that’s why she’s rich. Well not such a good personal manager as now she’s down a few ritchies.

    Last comment for all, go here and see the greatest pic of nasty McCain ever! He’s so kewl for letting it all hang out.

    http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/rids/20081016/i/r1772410910.jpg?x=400&y=303&q=85&sig=14VeZ1i8CUsxeyG4fnGe4A–

  17. Charponnaise says:

    She’s just so easy to hate these days. Beautifully expressed!

    The whole ‘strong female role-model’ thing – yeah, that’s cool ‘n’ all, but does she have to be so intrinsically hateable? Can a woman not be strong and get what she wants without being so aggressively unpleasant? [E.G. bitching about her soon-to-be-ex husband onstage – what’s that meant to achieve?]

    Also, her hair makes me quite angry. Why is it like that? What is it meant to look like? Golden blonde ringlets + Iggy Pop arms = absolute horror.

    ALSO, you’ve been tagged. x

  18. Juri says:

    OMGGMAB – HAHAHA! When I first saw that pic I couldn’t believe it was a genuine one. Then I begun to wonder if Grandpa can do anything right. He just fucks up everything: Palin, the racist rallies, that one, the lying plumber who doesn’t pay his taxes, and now this..

    Cindy, if you’re reading this and aren’t all too drugged up at this time of the morning, please go get him home before he gets one of his Vietnam flashbacks again.

    If Nalin’ Paylin won’t buy little David, I may buy him myself. I could use a new project plus I just read that single fathers are the next big thing on the Nordic dating market. David and I would make a good team hunting for the hockey and soccer moms. Besides, I could claim a nice bunch of single parent social benefits with him.

  19. honeypants says:

    I’m sorta with Skye on this. I was a wee impressionable lassie when Madonna came out. I had the lace accessories and cross jewelry. Heck, I even named my fashion line (‘cos I designed clothes when I was 12-13) “Borderline.” But it’s been many years since I’ve liked her at all. And in the last dozen or so, it’s gotten worse. However, hate’s too strong a word for me. There are people who I REALLY hate, and my dislike of Madge doesn’t hold a candle to them. She’s more of a really annoying mosquito or something. As always, I love your rant, and you look totally fab in those boots!

  20. enc says:

    Anything to make me forget Bush McCain and the Crypt Keeper and the entire Palin family.

  21. enc says:

    And before I forget, the boots! You really upped the ante with those boots.

  22. You look fantastic Sister Wolf! Love the boots.

  23. Sal says:

    I will admit to loving Madonna – both due to childhood hero-worship and admiration for a businesswoman who recognizes that the pop music machine is essentially just a load of marketing BS that can be worked over like any system. But I hear ya: The antics can get old. And her sinewy arms scare the fuck out of me.

    But let’s focus on those boots. DAMN, girl. Those are stunners! From one boot lover to another, let me say this: I’m flippin’ jealous of that pair.

  24. when (most likely) straight men say you look like a drag queen, it usually means you’re hot. It’s not like we want straight guys complimenting our hair.

    and finally, the real Debate, Madonna, love or hate? I fall on the Madonna Borderline side.

  25. David Duff says:

    “A silly accent”!

    Madam, are you referring to Her Majesty’s Royal Spoken English? Don’t you realise that people over here spend hundreds of thousands of pounds sending their young chaps and chapettes to places like Eton and Roedean in order for them to become totally incomprehensible solely for the purpose of annoying the plebs and the foreigners?

    Talking of Her Majesty (God bless her!), one of her Life Guards has reported that his boots have been stolen. Apparently he was distracted by an eccentric, long-haired, foul-mouthed, American, lady tourist who wouldn’t take no for an answer. Have a care, Madam, Her Majesy’s Life Guards are not to be trifled with – return them forthwith and a Royal pardon might be granted!

    Go here and click on photo #9: http://www.thelifeguards.co.uk/

  26. David Duff says:

    Ooops! Sorry, click on ‘Gallery’ first.

  27. OMGGMAB says:

    Those lifeguards belong in Alaska looking for Putin!

  28. Danielle says:

    This is the post I’ve been waiting for my entire life. Shoes. Dumbass pop stars. And politics. All in one delicious post.

  29. annemarie says:

    I HATE when people make an apology/praise for Madonna on account of what a “savvy business woman” she is, how she worked the system, how good she is at self-promotion, marketing, longevity etc, and how you “just have to admire her even if you don’t like her”….blah blah fuckin blah.

    Please. This is like praising the Devil because he’s so good at evil. It’s totally ridiculous. Madonna sells things. She is a whore, in the traditional sense of the word. There’s nothing clever, sassy or savvy about it.

    Every time I hear her refer to herself as an “artist” I want to smash something.

    And as for this bullshit about how she came along and said it was ok for female performers to be sexy? BULLSHIT! SO MANY OTHERS DID IT BEFORE HER. And they did it without narcissism, without sacrificing intelligence or complexity, without “working” the machine in any way; without prostituting themselves, in short.

    Fuck her. Patti Smith, now that’s a woman to admire.

  30. Nicole says:

    I love it that when I’m feeling so teeth grinding mad at the utter twats I’ve had to deal with the past week and I can read your blog and know that someone is even madder. Thanks for that SW! You’re so refreshing.

    Despite your loathing of Madonna, you must have enjoyed her recent grouping of John McCain with Mugabe and and Hitler during her tour. She was then equally scathing about Palin and banned her from her concert. I was at her New Jersey concert and the crowd went crazy.

    Video and a picture of Mad’s bodybuilder thighs http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/thedishrag/2008/10/madonna-bans-sa.html

  31. OMGGMAB says:

    Okay, I enjoyed the madonna video. She looks like a transvestite. But that blog. OMFG! People actually exist who think that Palin is hot. Hot? Like hellfire hot? They are arguing over Madonna v. Palin! That is enough to make me vomit. They both suck and deserve to live together on a sulfur burning island in some other galaxy – and take their fans and redneck family members with them!

    Next subject please!

  32. I LOVE IT. delicious delicious hatred. Yes I think Guy would be much happier without her… based on my extensive knowledge of their relationship and my marriage counselling experience…

    lol

    but look when it reaches the stage where madonna’s spending more time measuring the size of the body building veins on her creamy white biceps than doing normal things… dunno… just seems a bit self destructive.

  33. Sister Wolf says:

    Imelda Matt – Why, that is the nicest thing to say to any woman!

    Hammy – He’s an idiot, now he’s trying to “explain” himself…

    Sleepy – Hahahahha! Thanks, xo

    Make do – The distraction ought to last, given what the tabloids are saying, let us pray.

    Skye – Dislike will do for now!

    Downsdad – You sound like you’d be a nice play-date for Guy!

    Enc – You have to see the boots, much much nicer in person

    Iheartfashin and Sal -YES, boots are everything (or nearly).

    fashionherald. Okay. As long as I’m hot.

    David Duff – Certainly not. I am keeping the boots.

    Danielle – Wow, I’m so happy to provide this triple play for you!!

    Charponnaise – The hair, ugh, it’s verging of Baby Jane!

    Juri – I enjoy her acting too, I must admit. The badness is astounding.

    Jools – I am JUST the right age, then.

    Honeypants – I know you are a good Hater. You get a Pass on Madge.

    A – I love you too.

    OMGGMAB – Hahahahahaahahahahaha! Great pic.

    annemarie – Yes, yes. and YES on Patti!

    Nicole – I’m always here for you.

    Miss Wombat – I now think she’s on steroids, and that is really tragic.

  34. theresa says:

    “a constant irritant in the oyster of my life”
    now THATS poetry.

    count yourself among quentin. I’ll keep trying to write something half as good.
    (NOT KISSING ASS…just being honest?)

    ehhh…probably both…

    those boots are always stupid.

  35. Sister Wolf says:

    theresa – I’ve just read this post. Wasn’t I a genius?! What’s happened to me? It’s very depressing. The boots as well.

  36. I understand th is is nota popular opinion, but I totally appreciate it. Why not attempt one thing diverse? Why not make an effort to use th is object and animation to represent the interconnectedness of the group? Th is Burnley object as logo is unique from the boring shit and aesthetic nightmares we??? ve been seeing recently. In my opinion, th is can be a win.

  37. When I open your RSS feed it just gives me a web page of strange characters, is the challenge on my end?

  38. Eek says:

    i cannot stop laughing

    what a truly great letter, a letter for the ages

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