A Terrifying Sale at Net-a-Porter!

Net-a-Porter sent me a sale update, saying they just added 300 new items. Many of these items are insanely ugly. Did they suddenly just decide, “Hey, let’s get rid of this shit too, it’s now or never”?

This Balenciaga cape is reduced to $5, 492 and here’s their story:

Demna Gvasalia explores the link between couture and fetishism for Balenciaga’s Spring ’17 collection. Cut from ultra glossy patent-leather, this enveloping cape is bonded with smooth Spandex and finished with a hood. Layer it over jeans and a sweatshirt or create the exact runway look with the label’s blouse and pants.

I think not. Can you believe it comes in sizes, like the fit matters? Behold the rear view.

If you can wait until Halloween, you can replicate this at Walmart for around $2.99.

What about these Prada boots to go with it? Also among the new sale items.

Oh my god, the fucking horror, WHY?! Let them explain:

Prada’s velvet boots are part of the Fall ’16 runway collection, which is inspired by the vagabond woman. They have a glossy red leather wedge heel that’s embellished with a gold anchor, comets and a flower – we love the contrast with the hiking-style laces. Wear yours as the designer intended with these argyle socks.

NO. Never. Not even at $870.

What’s wrong with these designers? Have they been fired yet? Take my advice and go straight to Net-a-Porter, it’s beyond your worst fashion nightmare, a very special treat for the serious connoisseur of aesthetic gaffes.

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4 Responses to A Terrifying Sale at Net-a-Porter!

  1. Suspended says:

    Holy fuck! Hilarious and gut wrenching at the same time; an emotion usually only brought about by your denim atrocities.

    I like that they tried to make the cape as pedestrian as possible by pairing it with Mom jeans and a sweatshirt. Sizes? Bwahahaha. Maybe they just shorten the length for the shorter Mom crime fighters; can’t have all that extra patent trailer through your toddlers spilt yoghurt.

    The boots??? “Welcome to the sexy seafood restaurant. Your boots are amazing! And what’s the perfume you’re wearing? Oh, Clam Chowder. It’s amazing too!”

  2. Dj says:

    Hefty bags never looked so good! Or is it a body bag? Can’t tell….

  3. Penny says:

    Thanks for your latest Wolfie, you’re always a treat to read.
    Those boots….. I really really hated them until I read “wear them as the designer intended….with these Argyle socks…..” then of course, silly me, they made perfect sense, because Argyle socks go with just everything. TWATS!!!
    Holy mother of Christ on a fucking bike.
    Now where did I put my Chlorpromazine………………………………..

  4. Mark-E says:

    Since January, I’ve been a vagabond: two sublets in Cambridge, a week in another Massachusetts suburb, three weeks in Virginia, one week on Block Island… next stop is two months in Iowa. As a vagabond and a gay male who thinks a lot about shoes, I object wholeheartedly to those vile Prada monstrosities. The cape is stupid as fuck but those shoes are revolting.

    Excuse the ellipses.

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