Grammys 2017 Exegesis

grammys 2017 exegesis

The real story is Adele vs Beyonce but first let’s get the other stuff out of the way for those who missed the show.

Chance the Rapper won Best New Artist and he seems well-loved by everyone. I don’t get him, but he loves the Lord, like A LOT.

Ed Sheeran is a mess. He’s got to go away and rethink his career. His song that goes something about “your body, your body” is more upsetting even than Your Body Is A Wonderland. Leave the body alone, you guys.

Alicia Keys sported a glorious huge fluffy Afro but did a duet with some lame pseudo-Country girl who wore a cape over a leotard like circus ring leader.

Keith Urban provided a bathroom break for me and my peers.

Michael Jackson’s daughter was so pretty and nervous. Props to her for being able to function at all.  She tried to get political, as did Katy Perry, who is now blonde. Katy’s tits were outstanding and looked as good as new!

The Weekend sang a dumb ballad about making someone come. Look, The Weekend and Ed Sheeran, I hate to break it to you but we ladies expect to come or you’re gonna die trying, okay? Don’t act like you deserve an award for being into it.

Lady Gaga joined Metallica, morphing into a head-banger and annoying both James Hetfield and the drummer.

Then there was a Bee Gees tribute that was truly appalling even by Grammy standards. Demi Lovato left rehab for this travesty, joining Tory Kelly to screech along with some old white guy while the only living Bee Gee mouthed the words from the audience.

Morris Day and The Time tore it up with their Prince tribute. Bruno Mars gave his all to Let’s Go Crazy but he reaffirmed the sad fact that the likes of Prince will never be equaled in this world or any other. Bruno, you’re a hottie and we love you for trying.

grammys 2017 exegesis

Now, Beyonce.

What can one say that won’t get one killed? She appeared briefly in near nakedness, then reappeared in a gossamer gown that accentuated her pregnancy. She portrayed Mother Earth, a Fertility Goddess, the Universal Daughter and the Patron Saint of little girls, while performing a poetry-slam and sitting on a throne as though ready to push those twins out before our dazzled eyes.

I haven’t seen a human being so in love with their own self since the advent of Madonna. The camera lingered on her husband and child, to complete the holy trinity. It was a jaw-dropping exercise in self-importance, but if it works for you, good.

Adele sang a heartfelt tribute to George Michael, with customary grace and conviction.  The standing ovation made her eyes tear up. Even Riri was moved. But when Adele won her first award of the night, Beyonce must’ve been rattled.

When Adele beat out Beyonce for Album of the Year, it was a shocker. How dare she steal this from Bey, who’s been lauded all year for Lemonade, and for being a game changer as a black role model. It was supposed to be Bey’s night! She came to be worshiped, not to lose.

But then! Adele said that the award belonged to Beyonce, calling her ‘the artist of my life,’ and an inspiration for 17 years. She spoke directly to Bey in the front row, and in the end, Beyonce was free to cry, whether from disappointment or gratitude we’ll never know. Beyonce mouthed “I love you, I love you!” to Adele, who later broke the award in half.

What a moment. But Adele made the mistake of saying how much Bey’s album had empowered her “black friends,” so now Black Twitter is offended. Why is it racist for Adele to win and to know she’s not black?

Never mind, don’t tell me, I don’t want to know. Let us just be thankful that we were spared the horror of Taylor Swift, and that’s something we call all feel good about.

 

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8 Responses to Grammys 2017 Exegesis

  1. Dunc says:

    What about that affected little shithead well was once seven years old or whatever, who was he? We were screaming our disapproval. Little fucker. X

  2. Suspended says:

    Beyonce positioning herself as Queen of the World reminded me of that other ill judged performance, Michael Jackson as messiah, here to heal the world. Where’s Jarvis Cocker when you need him? I think this was her Norma Desmond moment.

    Agree on that Ed Sheeran song, it’s just a bizarrely out of place song for a folky rock kid that looks like a leprechaun. It’s a good job he made it big, otherwise, I fear he may never have been lucky enough to touch a woman’s body (without paying.)

    “Katy’s tits were outstanding and looked as good as new!” Bwahahaha!

    I wasn’t sure how I felt about the Prince and George Michael tributes. Perhaps I’m lying and don’t want to slate an honest attempt to remember some of our greatest via the medium of much lesser greats.

  3. Sister Wolf says:

    Dunc – I will find out who that is. Let’s watch together next year so we can scream en masse.

    Suspended – Yes, make it be the Norma Desmond Moment, because what would be next? And thank you for articulating the problem with those tributes. I try to focus on the sincerity or lack of it. It’s tough. They could have had someone worthy do a Leonard Cohen song but no.

  4. Suspended says:

    Also, was it wrong of me to think Bruno Mars dressing like Prince was really inappropriate. You’re supposed to be honoring their work, paying tribute, not doing a silly stage school interpretation.

    Imagine if Adel had dressed as George??

  5. Mark-E says:

    I haven’t watched in years and years, but I never miss your exegesis. Thank you.

  6. Romeo says:

    There we go, I’ve been shut out of facepage now. Laters!

  7. Dana says:

    All I know is I don’t want to see your stomach, whether you’re pregnant Beyoncé or not.

  8. Dj says:

    Beyoncé is getting boring. The whole culture of the Grammys is tired, overdone and pointless …none of these people could do anything if there weren’t highly sophisticated studios backing them up…the Grammys is only a fashion show with a little music thrown in…yawn.

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