Speaking in Tongues

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I used to think I had a fairly good command of the English language, but lately I am puzzled by words I thought I knew.

I don’t get the word “um” in its current usage.   Read the following sentence to see what I mean:

Um excuse me, are these not the most ridiculous sunglasses you’ve ever seen?

I am quoting a nice girl named Karla whose blog is very popular. Her readers seem to speak her language. I know she’s saying, “These sunglasses are awesome,” but what’s with the “um?”

Does “um” at the beginning of a sentence mean “wow?” This is a genuine question! Whatever it means in this context, I want it to stop.

If this were a movie instead of a blog, I’d cut to a fantasy sequence.

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“Karla? It’s me, I’m at Bloomingdale’s trying on fur crap. Want to hang out?”

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“Hi, honey. I’ll be home late tonight. Karla is taking me to this insane gym to help me build up my legs. Bye!”

Posted in Rants, Words | Tagged , , | 32 Comments

Now What?!

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This coveted hideous t shirt by Christopher Kane will be available at Topshop for $90, thus allowing the average nobody the thrill of dressing like Mom of Shoes! A nice egalitarian move by Christopher Kane, which I would applaud were it not for the hideousness.

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If that isn’t enough egalitarianism for you, how about Tavi helping the Rodarte sisters to present their new line for Target?

What Designer/Blogger/Chain Store partnerships would you like to see? How about Karla’s Closet + Lanvin for Walmart?

Help me out, it’s 3 AM and it’s been a long traumatic night.

Posted in Fashion, News | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

Some Valuable Advice

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Let’s say your teenager acquires a huge wooden plaque adorned with enormous animal horns. And he decides, “These horns would make a great Viking hat.” Then, he goes to an army surplus store and explains why he needs a helmet. Then he borrows an electric saw from the nice new neighbors.

You’re thinking, Jesus Christ, this will never work, why can’t he see that?!”

The thing to do is stand back and let fate take over. They’re going to do what they’re going to do, and it might end up with a gigantic Viking helmet.

Posted in Art | Tagged , , | 20 Comments

Again With the Fur Vest

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A full year ago, I complained about fur vests.   Somehow, it has reappeared as one of the It items for fall/winter.   I haven’t seen one on a real live person yet, but presumably they are selling well.   I’ve tried one on, but the hippie flashbacks were too upsetting to permit further consideration.

The vest in this photo is by Golden Goose, the brand that brought us faux-vintage cowboy boots for $1,200.   The fur is fox, but I don’t know.   It looks like something I might find dead in my backyard.   So here are my guidelines for choosing a fur vest:

1. It can’t look like something your dog might drag in through the dog-door.
2. It can’t remind you of a Yeti.
3. It can’t look like a caveman costume.
4. It can’t look like fake fur, even if it is fake fur.
5. It can’t incorporate another trend, like studs or fringe.

Feel free to add your own rules.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Dead Model Story x Reality TV =

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A dead “swimsuit model” in a suitcase doesn’t seem very interesting at first glance. I remember another one they found out in the desert somewhere, murdered by some guy on craigslist.

But now the story has branched out in several directions, promising a perfect storm of sensationalist trash.   The murder suspect is a former reality show contestant who has just finished filming another reality show.   And not only that, but the cops have revealed that the victim’s teeth and fingers had been “removed.”

That is where I draw the line, and I hope you agree.   If you have to kill someone and stuff them in a suitcase, so be it. But the teeth removal, no fucking way. It’s just too awful and unfair. It’s such an insult in every way.

Now VH1 will have the choice of scrapping season 3 of “I Love Money,” out of concern for the murder case, or going ahead with some inane excuse that there’s a moral imperative to air the show.   They must be flipping out at VH1, thinking, “God, what a break! Our ratings will go off the chart!”

I don’t know where this will lead,   in terms of creating a frenzy to distract us from the lack of new Michael Jackson minutiae.   But for now we can all be grateful that we’re not stuffed in a suitcase somewhere without our teeth.

And when we watch a reality show and marvel at how crazy those people are, we will know there’s a chance theyr’e even crazier than they look.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Sold Out, Dammit

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Can you believe this Pucci leather one-shouldered eagle dress is already SOLD OUT at net-a-porter ($4,900)?!   No sooner did it appear, when POOF, sold out. Shit.

I need to think that the person/persons who bought it are the same one/one who bought this Judith Leiber parrot,   also SOLD OUT, duh, at $5,695.

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“In this economy”, it’s still so important to show your support of wildlife.

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , , | 18 Comments

Fall Fashion Directive

Making videos is addictive. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , , , | 14 Comments

Acne 2010 Spring: Hot or Not

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This Acne model makes me want to ————————————————.

*UPDATE:   Fixed the size for all you whiners!

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 36 Comments

Exciting New Video: Meet the BFF!

To know her is to love her, as you will see.

Posted in Art | Tagged , , | 26 Comments

Playing Horsey

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If you’re not a horse but want to look like one, it’s your lucky day. These fierce ‘pony skin’ wedges by Finsk are now available at Amelie.   I like to think that Lou Doillon owns a pair.

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion | Tagged , , | 14 Comments