“Black Book”: Verhoeven Strikes Again

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Black Book” is a WWII thriller by Paul Verhoeven, the Dutch director who somehow wandered from art films to “Showgirls.” It’s an action-packed melodrama whose Jewish heroine survives the Nazi occupation of her homeland through quick thinking and nearly super-human resourcefulness.

I watched it with mixed feelings. I can’t stand Holocaust movies and I’m opposed to them philosophically. Since the film was mostly a spy thriller, I tried to enjoy it on that level. I  liked the idea of a Jewish woman and a Nazi officer falling in love, without apology. It was a nicely perverse twist.

The leading actress was subjected to so much nudity that I could now identify her in a line-up of naked boobs. That was okay, since her character relied on her talent as a seductress. When she was captured as a Nazi collaborator and singled out to be bludgeoned and doused with a huge vat of human shit, I realized my terrible mistake.

Once again, I have let myself by traumatized by Paul Verhoeven! “Showgirls” sent me into a deep, inconsolable depression. It seemed like a travesty of filmmaking, acting, decency, everything. It was like being doused with human shit, in fact. I imagined that everyone who watched it would be seeking psychotherapy at the first opportunity. I finally got over it. Mostly.

The last episode of “Extras” by the brilliant and fearless Ricky Gervais, had a scene in which a struggling actress is told to prepare to have shit thrown in her face. No one thinks it’s too much to ask of her. Even though she needs the job, she walks off the set.

I think Ricky Gervais was telling us in that episode that one’s dignity should not be for sale. When his character sees how deeply he has compromised his own dignity, he is horrified.

I don’t know why Mr. Verhoeven elected to douse his actress in shit, even though it was probably mud or soup, in reality. I can’t help feeling that he violated her dignity, and my own, for no justifiable reason.   In “The Magic Christian,” a millionaire invites people to wade through shit to get his money. It’s a fair comment on greed by Terry Southern, a satirist of the highest caliber.

“Showgirls” is still described by some, idiotically,  as a sly satire. “Black Book” is no “Showgirls,” but the element of exploitation is right there, like shit in your face. Somewhere in the eternal hell for hack artists and cultural criminals, there’s a special place for Paul Verhoeven.

Posted in Art, Horrible Stuff, Rants | 1 Comment

“People Want to be Jade Jagger”

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Jade Jagger is up to no good, and I feel it’s my duty to share the bad tidings.

First, she has launched her new line of jewelry and it’s surprisingly awful. Here is a “goldtone” skull necklace for $475. Is she nuts? Why would anyone pay that much for something they could get at the mall for ten bucks?

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More impressive, and by that I mean more egregious, Jade Jagger has embarked on a real estate project in Manhattan, offering ‘luxury’ studio apartments in a building called The Jade.

The studio apartments go for $55,000 and look like futuristic prison facilities. The brains behind this project, developer Michael Shvo, explains the attraction of the venture: “People want to be Jade Jagger.”

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Do you want to be Jade Jagger? This would involve being a haggard 35 year old mother of two, who is mostly known for her shallow lifestyle in Ibiza and, of course, her famous dad. She attends fashion shows and dates a rap artist. Her next major project will be a facelift.

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I don’t know why, but I expected more from Jade Jagger. Mick and Bianca should have spawned something better than a faux designer of faux jewelry and faux apartments. Breeding isn’t everything, I guess. Look at Rumer Willis, for godsake.

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Posted in Celebrities, Fashion | 7 Comments

Suing Lindsay Lohan

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This morning I  saw the headline “Woman Says She Was Traumatized by Lohan” and my reaction was: Join the Club!

I too feel traumatized by Lindsay Lohan, and I’d like some compensation for my suffering.

I feel my blood pressure surge every time I see her vacuous smiling face. Why is that girl still smiling? Her awful blonde hair extensions, her ridiculous fedoras, her hippie scarves, her crappy costume jewelry, her jeans tucked into knee-boots, her sparkly lipgloss, and her stupid trademark peace sign…..I can’t stand it.

Make it stop! The emotional distress I’ve endured can’t really be quantified, but $150,000  might take the edge off.

Posted in Celebrities, News, Rants | 5 Comments

Hillary’s Tears

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God, it’s been one day since Hillary got all teary over a cup of coffee, and I’m already sick to death about the post mortem.

Did she cry on purpose? Or is she “a human being,” as some pundits have speculated. As far as I’m concerned, she didn’t cry, she just got a little misty. Big fucking deal. Move on!

Since we can’t move on however, at least for today, here is Rudy Giuliani, deftly turning the Hillary discussion back to himself on 9/11.

Posted in News, Rants | 3 Comments

High Class Shopping

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Do you want to look like a prostitute? Are you a guy whose style icon is Kid Rock or Vince Neil? Would you like your kids to wear more sequins and skull-themed hoodies? Electric Ladyland may be the answer to all your dreams. I know it fills my need to see trampy models in  leopard-print mini-dresses and other garish  finery that says “Rock ‘n Roll” to the discerning internet shopper.

Electric Ladyland is also a real store, owned by Penny Long and her son Ashley. They are pictured on the website, arms wrapped around each other, spookily mirroring each other’s mop of bleached blond hair and ghetto fabulous aesthetic. Don’t bother trying to copy their photos; they won’t allow it!

I’m tempted to contact Kelly, the website’s VIP Personal Shopper, for some fashion advice. I could ask her what color rhinestone-encrusted Kippys belt ($445) would work with my Thomas Wilde Tight Ass leggings ($575) or I could just ask where to  hook up with  Ashley, if he’s not already taken, ahem, by his mom.

Please take a moment to visit the astonishing world of Electric Ladyland, where even Lindsay Lohan might be  stumped.

Posted in Fashion | 2 Comments

Lock Up: Best TV Series Ever!

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MSNBC has been delighting me with its seemingly endless documentary series about prison life, called Lock Up. Last night, I watched the episode about two crazy guys who had each killed a parent and then eaten the parent’s brain. I wasn’t really offended; I guess if one of my kids killed me, I’d like them to at least eat my brain!

The night before, I met Bobby Gilbert, a guy who’s spent 19 years in solitary confinement and wants to be moved to a prison closer to his Mama. He throws a fit when he doesn’t get his transfer. Then he goes to anger management classes and gets a haircut from a prison buddy who is older and wiser and less insane.

Another  inmate, Alex Bennett, has an amazing gray mullet, and scares the shit out of the series producer, a fat young white guy. Alex seems to relish being a hardened convict, and he shows us his favorite place to stand out in the yard.

God, I love this series. How can anyone not love it? The tattoos, the personality disorders, the bad grammar, it’s a dream come true for the armchair sociologist. If you like the idea of hearing ‘Death Row’ pronounced to rhyme with Jethro, this is must-see television.

Posted in Art, Disorders, Horrible Stuff | 1 Comment

Last Minute Gifts

I’m still looking for that Special Something to give myself for Christmas!   I have sacrificed my valuable time to locate these gift ideas and share them with you. Some are really good and some are really awful, but they all make me happy to look at or think about.

Here is a nice penis bone necklace that you can order here.

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This series of souvenirs called Buildings of Disaster includes this awesome rendering of the OJ Simpson car-chase, a must for anyone who lives in Los Angeles.

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These golden capsules promise to turn your ‘feces’ gold. Finally!

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Here are some diamond studded sunglasses that are a steal at only $8,000. The same company makes a style that sells for $55,000 but that’s kind of vulgar, I think.

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If only I could figure out kroners, I might be able to get this cool gold lame skirt by Stine Goya, from this great Danish website.

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May all your shopping be joyous and extravagant!

  

Posted in Art, Fashion | 5 Comments

The Meaning of Oprah

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The time is ripe for Oprah Studies, and an essay in The New Republic is a perfect synthesis of all the ways we might regard Oprah’s impact on our culture.

I was enjoying the essay until I came upon the dreaded ‘paradigm shift.’ There is no getting away from that damn paradigm shift: I was reading an article about Otis Redding the other day and boom, there it was.

That said (little smiley face thing!), it’s a great essay, filled with incisive observations. Here are a couple:

In TV terms, Oprah’s multiplication of herself into simultaneous actual, fictional, and didactic selves was on the order of Picasso inventing cubism.

For all the show’s seesawing between horror and inanity, and precisely because of its cunningly orchestrated subtext of racial catharses–a la the exchange with Julia Roberts–“The Oprah Winfrey Show” is a racial utopia based on the exchangeability of colorless human pain. There is something beautiful and profound about that.

Oprah! How can we ever grasp the reach of your influence? I know one way. The night I sat on my couch like an enormous slug at 2:00 AM and watched a repeat of Oprah’s ‘Bra’ show was a pivotal  moment in the narrative of my lingerie.

Oprah and her expert berated everyone for wearing the wrong size bra, even allowing themselves to feel up the unwitting  victims who had agreed to try on  the new sizes.

The revelation was delivered like the sermon on the mount: You  need to go smaller around the back and larger in the cup!  Every volunteer found that this was so. It was a joyous experience for all concerned.

I went out and got a new bra,  following the holy formula. Sure enough, my bra fits better and my boobs have never been happier.  

I will do anything Oprah wants, except vote for Barack Obama.

Posted in Celebrities, Words | 2 Comments

Marc Jacobs Is Nuts

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Marc Jacobs attended his annual Christmas party dressed as a camel toe. I hope it was a costume party!

Marc exclaimed “I thought it would be completely ironic and funny to be a camel toe.”

Hahahahaha! It is funny, isn’t it? But I don’t see the irony. Perhaps he’s one of those people who don’t get what ‘ironic’ means, like Alanis Morissette.

Or maybe he meant ‘iconic!’ Whatever. As long as he stops designing stuff, I’m happy.

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff, Words | 2 Comments

Beauty, Tattoos And A Warning

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This photo is from the  December issue of Italian Vogue. I found it at the very first fashion blog I ever came across, Fashionologie. This picture makes me want to pile on some eye make-up and get a bunch of new tattoos.

I’ve been thinking of a tattoo that means or signifies ‘warrior.’ I think it might give me strength.

But on the subject of tattoos, here’s some a advice: Never get a tattoo in Chinese characters unless you can read Chinese. Here is a whole blog about tattoos that don’t translate to the intended statement. Ha ha! Serves ’em right, doesn’t it?

Posted in Art, Fashion, Uncategorized | 3 Comments