Thank God, I Hate It!

Posted on March 9, 2009 by Sister Wolf

What a relief to find some fur on the runway that I don’t want. These two numbers by Givenchy are repulsive, aren’t they? I’m sure Madonna will show up in one, so I’m already bracing myself. The one on the left looks like the model fought with a gorilla and won. The one on the right looks like the gorilla ate the model but is using her head as a decoy.

It makes me especially sad to look at these “dresses” because of the new study suggesting that chimps can make plans for the future and thus have an autonoetic consciousness. The chimp in question was seen hoarding stones to throw at visitors outside his cage at a zoo in Sweden. He collected the stones when he was calm, anticipating that he’d be pissed off when the zoo opened the next day.

That chimp is alot smarter than I am. For example, I ate three bags of peanut M&M’s last night, unable to predict that I’d feel fat in the morning. God I am stupid. I don’t even deserve to be in a zoo.

Getting back to fashion, I am pleased to see that gladiator sandals are back with a vengeance. This means that the hideous gladiator spats I bought last year will be right on-trend, even though I plan to continue to not wear them.

I’ll bet that chimp would have known not to buy these. I am more and more impressed by him!

Posted in Fashion, News | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

A Friend For Erin Wasson!

Posted on March 8, 2009 by Sister Wolf

While dutifully checking out the monotonous stream of new arrivals at Revolve, I was drawn to the price of these pants: $429. What the hell? Then I saw the name of the designer, Kimberly Ovitz.

If you live in L.A., you know that Mike Ovitz is a legendary Hollywood Bigshot who blamed his ultimate downfall on Hollywood’s “gay mafia.” He was a notorious bully and tyrant when he ran CAA.

Now, his daughter Kimberly has produced a “lifestyle collection for women…”   “which embodies Ovitz’s personal style, and reflections of the minimalist art and design she was exposed to while growing up in Los Angeles. The concept of her first collection is “Ladies at the country house having a punk party and raiding the stable”.

Good for you, Kimberly. I’m sure you worked very hard to launch your new line of minimalist clothing, and I know that your trip to France after dropping out of Parsons to “apprentice” at Chanel had nothing whatsoever to do with your dad.

Please enjoy Kimberly’s biography here at her company website. It is a treasure trove of poor syntax and misspelling.

Somehow I see a meeting of the minds, so to speak, between Kimberly Ovitz and Erin “Homeless” Wasson. I like to imagine them snorting a few lines and then talking about how sick the new Balenciaga boots are.

If they haven’t met, I want to hook them up! I am an inveterate matchmaker, ask anyone. In fact, when my matches haven’t been disastrous, they have worked out very nicely.

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 15 Comments

Lying About Books

Posted on March 6, 2009 by Sister Wolf

In a survey carried out for World Book Day, 65% of people have claimed to read a book they never read. The real figure should be closer to 100% but some people insist on lying about lying, obviously.

Here are the books most lied about:

1. 1984 by George Orwell (42%)
2. War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy (31%)
3. Ulysses by James Joyce (25%)
4. The Bible (24%)
5. Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert (16%)
6. A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking (15%)
7. Midnight’s Children by Salman Rushdie (14%)
8. Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust (9%)
9. Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama (6%)
10. The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins (6%)

Fascinating, isn’t it? I haven’t read 1984 either, and I’m pretty sure I’ve lied about it. I did see the movie and I have read several other books by George Orwell, but I’m still part of the guilty 42%.

I’m wondering why so many people lie about reading Stephen Hawking? I guess it depends on who you’re trying to impress. For example, I’d never lie about reading the Bible, because I have no claims to being religious. But to admit you’ve never read 1984 is to cast doubt upon your very worth as a thinker.

War and Peace is really long, so I get why people would rather pretend to have read it than to actually plunge in. But those of us who have read it can testify that it’s easy reading and very entertaining. Not at all like Moby Dick (which is my own Moby Dick, as I’ve stated elsewhere here.)

Same thing with Madame Bovary, which is a joy to read, even though its events are so devastating. I once read an interview with Linda Ronstadt, who claimed that her idols were Anna Karenina and Madame Bovary. Now there’s a liar, unless she was feeling suicidal during the interview.

Is there anyone among us who hasn’t lied about reading a book? Personally, I’d have doubts about someone who claimed to have read every volume of Remembrance of Things Past. Swann’s Way put me to sleep, so “Proustian” for me is a synonym for relentlessly boring.

In an essay about this survey in the Telegraph, the writer acknowledges the difficulty of reading the Bible, from start to finish, noting that ‘Randolph Churchill famously did it for a bet, only to give up with the remark, “God, wasn’t God a ****?”

This was almost EXACTLY my own reaction when I once picked up a Bible, but I believe I called Him a ‘bastard.’ Not that I mind a disagreeable main character. I love Humbert Humbert, for example. I think lots of people pretend to have read Lolita, given how many people think there’s something prurient about it.

The 14% who pretended to have read Midnight’s Children really mystify me. Aren’t you supposed to say you’ve read The Satanic Verses?? I know I did.

Okay, so which books have you lied about reading, anyone?

Posted in Art, Words | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

You’ll Wear it, Don’t Argue

Posted on March 5, 2009 by Sister Wolf

The gods have spoken and it’s clear that by fall we’ll all be wearing black leather leggings, shaggy fur jackets and lethal high heels. At least we have two choices for the shoes: toe-exposing boots or something with fringe.

I don’t know what’s up with the open-toe boots but there’s no escaping them. They seem very presentational, like “Look, here are my toes!” Unless your toes are really exquisite, I think you should think twice before getting involved in this.

The fringe business is traumatic for ex-hippies, let me tell you. Same goes for the new “western Look.” Here is a tragic fringed shoe from Sergio Rossi. $960. As if.

No matter what PETA says, fur is gorgeous and wonderful. Cavemen wore it and so should you (as long as it’s not made-in-China, or anything you could find in my back yard like a dog or possum.)

Admit that you love this Dolce and Gabbana fur coat!

What on earth could be more beautiful!   Maybe these furs by Pucci?

Just when I don’t have money to waste, along comes so much scrumptious fur. It’s a good thing that I recently came across this piece of wisdom: “You already have everything you need to be happy.” I know in my heart that it’s true. But the rest of me wants fur.

I would even settle for this rocking sheep if I can’t have the Dolce and Gabbana. It’s at Vivre, where there’s no such thing as a recession and “Now is the time to take new risks and open the door to new experiences.”

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Sting Ruins Everything

Posted on March 3, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Sting has always been on my Top Five hit-list, and he’s earned it the old fashioned way, by being a cunt. I’ve just read a quote of his that ranks above all his other crimes: “I think cancer – I’m not an expert or a doctor – but I think cancer is the result of undigested dreams and forcing yourself to do something that is not distinctively you.”

Is Sting insane?!   It’s not enough that he has tantric sex and sings in that horrible voice?!   Elvis Costello was polite enough to call Sting’s performance at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame “appalling” when he could have said much worse.

Sting has wounded me personally by taking a name I have long cherished and giving it to his daughter. Fuchsia is a character in the unforgettable Gormenghast Trilogy by Mervyn Peake. How dare Sting name his daughter Fuchsia, and thereby taint it with Stingness?!

Fuchsia is one of my favorite colors, along with chartreuse. Both words are as luxurious on the tongue as the hues they signify. Chartreuse is a favorite of mine because it’s shocking and kind of aggressive, as well as beautiful. Chartreuse says: “I’m glaringly bright, and too bad for you!” I came to chartreuse late in life but I’ve tried to compensate by wearing it as often as possible.

Look at these shoes.

Let’s not worry about whether I can walk in them, because obviously I can’t. But I need them. They’re only $255! Why have I squandered all my money on Sal the Plumber (who had to tear up my backyard) when I needed these chartreuse shoes?

I blame Sting for this. Sting is what stands between me and perfect happiness. He is not only a cunt but, as Annemarie puts it so eloquently, Cunt Central .

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion, Rants | Tagged , , , | 21 Comments

Chanel vs Me And You

Posted on March 2, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Jessica Kagan Cushman is in trouble if Karl and Co. find out about this cuff bracelet, which says “Ripped off by by Chanel.”

When I was an eBay seller, I learned that Chanel protects its copyright so fiercely that eBay will ban you for attempting to sell a Chanel product. The attack is completely random: They will pounce on one seller while ignoring a million others. Twice, I listed pieces of genuine Chanel costume jewelry and each time the listing was removed with a warning and threat on behalf of Chanel. There was no avenue of appeal.   This is why those guys who sell fake handbags on street corners NEVER have any Chanel. If you dare to mention the name, you will only induce suspicion and/or terror. Try it!

It’s hard to give up on Chanel, though. Even though Coco Chanel consorted with Nazis, I continued to swoon at the sight of the double C. I have a pink Chanel handbag that is so poorly made, I’ve had to restore it three times. I have vintage Chanel jewelry that wouldn’t be worth anything without those little C’s.

Over time, I have learned that any idiot with a credit card can wear Chanel. The brand has lost its magic for me, especially now that Karl will befriend nearly any starlet who crosses his path. Remember when his muse was Selma Blair?!

This month, in Bazaar, Karl is giving out fashion advice. His answers are uniformly insulting and absurd.   “Please, your question is childish,” he replies testily. I would like to see him to go a little further next month with that imperious manner. Perhaps he could try “Oh god, why not shoot yourself, you peasant!” or “How dare you, stupid!”

Pretty soon, the only women carrying Chanel handbags will be wealthy Arabs and the Olsen Twins.   I think it’s over for Chanel, now that Lanvin and even Balmain are winning over all the It Girls. Who even wants to wear Chanel sunglasses at this point? I can’t believe how heartbroken I was the time I lost my Chanel sunglasses! I went out and replaced them immediately, only to find that I’d left the original pair in the fridge at work.

So long Chanel. It’s been real, and it’s been expensive.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 15 Comments

Does Porn Cause Depression?

Posted on February 26, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Over at 2blowhards, people have been strenuously debating whether porn is an art form akin to rock and roll, and whether we now accept porn as part of the internet experience.

Obviously, the first question is nonsensical. But the other question bothers me. Just now, I followed some fashion links to some new photos of Lindsay Lohan, topless. My first thought upon looking at her face was: This girl is spent. Literally. She’s been used up and she has nothing left to offer but her nude body for the purpose of porn.

The poor girl has been through everything, at such a young age! She looks like she’s at the brink of starvation, but since she still has tits, she’ll flaunt them. I find it very depressing.

Is it pornography to watch a young celebrity flame out and burn? Is Girls Gone Wild pornography? Are kids really posting nude photos of themselves on their mySpace pages? Is porn ever healthy? Is there anything we haven’t seen yet, or shouldn’t see?

When I first learned to use a computer, the girl I worked with immediately set out to show me some notorious video of a woman having sex with a donkey. I hoped she wouldn’t find it. She did show me a photo of an old lady using a dead fish for something….it wasn’t good, although it was somewhat shocking.

Another office, more searches for porn. My (female) boss and I laughed hysterically at photos of women with two cocks in their mouths. We went to massive cocks dot com and laughed some more.

That is really the totality of my experience with online porn. Is there something wrong with me?

I don’t think I’m prudish. I just don’t want to get depressed. Now I hear there’s a very popular website where people upload pictures of their own faces during orgasm. I don’t get why it’s popular! Why would I want to see what some stranger looks like when they come?

I’m wondering if the world is made up of exhibitionists and voyeurs. And of course a third group, where I fit in. I’m wondering if my problem is that I can’t look at porn without thinking about the motives involved. After I laughed at the girl with two cocks in her mouth, I thought about her mother.

Someone once showed me a website where you could look at women covered in shit. I was very upset and wanted to cry for weeks afterward. I know this is not an example of whatever’s considered mainstream or arty porn, but the whole new world of porn at our fingertips is distressing to me. Even more than distressing, it’s sad.

People who enjoy porn should at least have the decency to shut up about it. Insisting that it’s interesting on any other level is just a denial of its primary purpose. Waxing all intellectual about porn is just absurd, like Camille Paglia pontificating about Madonna.

I hope that young people will still be allowed some innocence about sexuality, so they can discover it with a real live person. Mystery and taboos are there to preserve the holy aspect of sex, and by holy I don’t mean to exclude any practices between two human beings of any gender. Speaking   as an atheist, I still think of sex as a religious experience.

Here’s what Leonard Cohen thinks.

Give me back my broken night
my mirrored room, my secret life
it’s lonely here,
there’s no one left to torture
Give me absolute control
over every living soul
And lie beside me, baby,
that’s an order!

Give me crack and anal sex
Take the only tree that’s left
stuff it up the hole
in your culture
Give me back the Berlin wall
give me Stalin and St Paul
I’ve seen the future, brother:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide, slide in all directions
Won’t be nothing
Nothing you can measure anymore
The blizzard, the blizzard of the world
has crossed the threshold
and it has overturned
the order of the soul
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant
When they said REPENT REPENT
I wonder what they meant.

You don’t know me from the wind
you never will, you never did
I was the little jew
who wrote the Bible
I’ve seen the nations rise and fall
I’ve heard their stories, heard them all
but love’s the only engine of survival
Your servant here, he has been told
to say it clear, to say it cold:
It’s over, it ain’t going
any further
And now the wheels of heaven stop
you feel the devil’s RIDING crop
Get ready for the future:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide …

There’ll be the breaking of the ancient
western code
Your private life will suddenly explode
There’ll be phantoms
There’ll be fires on the road
and a white man dancing
You’ll see a woman
hanging upside down
her features covered by her fallen gown
and all the lousy little poets
coming round
tryin’ to sound like Charlie Manson
and the white man dancin’.

Give me back the Berlin wall
Give me Stalin and St Paul
Give me Christ
or give me Hiroshima
Destroy another fetus now
We don’t like children anyhow
I’ve seen the future, baby:
it is murder.

Things are going to slide …

When they said REPENT REPENT …

Comments or arguments, anyone out there?

Posted in Art, Disorders, Religion | Tagged , , , | 17 Comments

Now I’m Madder Than Ever

Posted on February 26, 2009 by Sister Wolf

See this fabulous beehive? This is what I’d like to take to the bank so that I might accept this gracious invitation from Opening Ceremony:

But no, the bank won’t send me to Paris. Fuckers. Why? Because they don’t want me to look at Chloe Sevigny‘s latest shit, or even Erin “Homeless” Wasson’s! There is no justice in this world, as I had already suspected.

Next, that fucking Octomom is driving me insane. Is there no end to this?! Her lips are even bigger now, on the verge of exploding. Go here and watch her argue with her mother. The sound of her voice is maddening. Quick reader poll here: What’s worse, her face or her voice?

Third, the boyfriend jean has now spawned the ex-boyfriend jean. This is an incredible development that signals the coming apocalypse.

How do you tell the difference? Will there be an ex-husband style, too? God, I can’t stand the ripped jeans thing. We baby boomers have already been there, done that, or at least sneered at the people who did.

Finally, summing up tonight’s complaints are these crazy new pants that I think are pretty awesome (and not in a homeless way) but can no longer afford.

Do you love them or do you love them?! Imagine them with a beehive! Waaaah!

I could shop my closet forever without finding these Kirrily Johnston pants. They’re so epic, right? Well, there you have it. I was planning to complain about porn too but I’m already too mad to think clearly. If you want to read some idiots trying to decide if porn is art, go here.

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged , , , , | 15 Comments

The Wisdom of Erin Wasson

Posted on February 23, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Oh dear! The Nostrilled One expands upon her appreciation of   homeless style :

“I was not meaning to demean homeless people whatsoever! I have actually talked to these homeless people. I’ve had conversations with them. It’s a choice that they’ve made. They don’t want to have a job. They enjoy being completely free. I’ll see people on the beach and aesthetically, they look awesome, and because it’s so uncontrived and uninhibited. I got a lot of heat for that. It wasn’t that I was like ‘Oh yeah, homeless people are so cool; it’s so cool to see people that are homeless looking cool.’ It’s the lack of complexity in the way that they dress and the fact that there’s no thought behind it whatsoever that’s so righteous. You know?”

Hahaha!   What a Fucking Cunt !

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged | 13 Comments

Academy Awards 2009 Exigesis

Posted on February 23, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I don’t know about you, but I loved this year’s show. It’s the first one in years that wasn’t a grim chore to sit through. Hugh “I’m not gay” Jackman was a delightful host, relieving one from the effort of laughing at stupid show biz wisecracks.

The show’s two most dramatic moments were:

1. Jennifer Aniston taking the stage, just a couple of feet from Brad and Angie. You could feel the tension as the possibility of humiliation loomed. It was fabulous, wasn’t it? Your own mind could furnish Jen’s thoughts, and Angie’s, too. I thought I detected a fleeting second of eye contact between Jen and Brad, but I’d need a slo-mo replay to be certain. Jen’s hair extensions were amazing, and her nose was perkier than ever. Still, even if she were stark naked, she had no hope of eclipsing the shocking, otherworldly beauty of Angelina Jolie.

2. The announcement of Sean Penn as best actor. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to deal with the look on Mickey Rourke‘s face. He wanted it so badly! But everyone at my house wanted Sean Penn, and we willed it to happen. We manifested Sean Penn’s award, because we know about The Secret. Too bad for Mickey Rourke. He will have to make do with the Golden Globe and his pinkie rings, walking sticks, and dead dog pendants.

Fashion is the real reason for watching the Academy awards and I personally feel I got my money’s worth. SJP looked like a Bad Witch even though she wore the Good Witch dress. Heidi Klum wore a hideous cheap-looking Roland Mouret, with gigantic crappy earrings. Halle Berry was missing her boobs, a tragedy that has yet to be explained. Did she give them to Salma??

Natalie Portman made everyone happy, as usual, even though her head is too big for her body. She dared to wear a weird shade of pink, and for that I salute her. Tilda Swinton accomplished her annual goal of looking like a frumpy man.

I missed Renee Zellweger! Was she there? Her sourpuss expression and vintage couture were sorely missed. Somewhat filling the void was Goldie Hawn, still convinced that she’s 16 years old.

Zak Efron and Emile Hirsch looked boyishly yummy, but few of the men were impressive. Without George Clooney or Johnny Depp, there was really no one to drool over. Seal probably looked great, but Heidi’s trashy get-up managed to blot out everything around her.

Even if you didn’t want Sean Penn to win, you can’t deny the power and sincerity of his call for equal rights for gays and lesbians. He had the guts to stand for something besides his own narcissism, god bless him.

Comments or arguments, anyone?

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion, News | Tagged , | 11 Comments