This guy will paint your portrait with his penis.
I’m sorry!
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Carine Roitfeld Probably Hates You
“You think this will be so glamorous,” she sighs. “You have the idea in your mind and then you get there and the people in the hotel …” She grimaces and gestures hugely in the hip area. “There were lots of people who were so fat and like that.”
Carine Roitfeld, editor of French Vogue, on her recent visit to Thailand.
Posted in Disorders, Fashion
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Chef Regrets Sex With Dead Girl
Mark Dixie, 37, an unemployed chef, insisted today during his murder trial that he didn’t kill 18 year old Sally Anne Bowman, but rather had sex with her dead body. Dixie claims that he came across the body laying in a driveway, and didn’t realize she was dead “until after the sex.”
The girl was stabbed several times and was surrounded by a pool of blood. Dixie says he knew something was wrong when she didn’t react to his bites.
I think the law is being too hard on this guy. Who among us hasn’t come upon a prostrate body and felt aroused? How are you supposed to know it’s a corpse? We’re not all forensic scientists, for Christ sake!
The Stylish Wicked Witch
Sometimes everything comes together in a manner I might call ‘synchronicity’ if I didn’t hate Sting so much. I went to see the musical “Wicked,” and apart from finding it delightful in every way, it inspired me to consider dressing like a mean witch in my old age. It’s not the first time I’ve thought of it, but the fitted Victorian-style witch-dress as worn by Elphaba was easy to admire as an everyday get-up. It would look nice with my hair, if I still have any in ten years or so.
Now, looking at some runway styles for next fall, I sense a strong Witch-thing going on. Fantastic! Let us celebrate the Wicked Witch of the West, in all her glory. I might forego the green make-up, but I do plan to be as regal and scary as possible, just as soon as I can no longer pull off the Cougar-thing.
The designs above are by Gareth Pugh and Luella Bartley.
Even More Penisy!
Vivienne Westwood now offers you the Penis Drop Pendant, for only $138! You could wear it with the Penis Cufflinks, if that’s not too much penis for you.
A Trip To Maxfield
Maxfield is a celebrated bastion of high-end designer fashion in West Hollywood, where regular people like me can rub shoulders with anorexic model types and wealthy Japanese tourists. I went there for the first time yesterday with my friend Mark, who was craving a fix of Comme des Garcons.
We were greeted by several black-clad sales people, including a fat girl who told me, “I love your Vivienne Westwood bag,” which immediately made me feel bad about myself.
I wandered around in a daze, astonished by all the skull crap. Let me tell you, in L.A. the skull is still going strong. There were glass cabinets filled with diamond skull jewelry, skull replicas of every description, more skulls than you could shake a stick at. As if to prove the point, a Japanese guy wearing an elaborately rhinestoned skull hoodie and pseudo-gangster chains passed my way and grunted “Hi,” or maybe he was clearing his throat.
Racks of overpriced shapeless garments by all the important brands formed the periphery of the store. There were shelves of pointy shoes for the men, and ugly distressed oxfords for women. A sales girl urged a pregnant woman to buy a pair of shoes that screamed “Club Foot!” I picked up a nice belt that turned out to have skull-shaped bronze skulls and cost $395.
Elsewhere, there was a long rack of Chanel items, including a $5,000 chain belt. A vintage Birken bag was $25,000. Nothing looked tempting, except for a furry handbag with a wristlet covered in big green glass gems. The tag on it was black, with black writing, so I was spared from learning its provenance or price.
The most striking aspect of Maxfield is the owner’s love of taxidermy, which is the new hip thing if you’ve been in a coma for the last five years. There were at least a dozen of stuffed chickens dressed in little waistcoats and necklaces. Most spectacularly unpleasant were a pair of stuffed leopards, one supporting a glass table top and the other laying dead upon the table, surrounded by candles and wallets.
I pet the poor dead animal and we booked to the Paul Smith boutique down the street, where everything was happy in shades of pink, green and chartreuse.
Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff
Tagged designer fashion, Los Angeles, Paul Smith, taxidermy
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Grammy Awards 2008 Exegesis
The Grammy Awards show was all about Amy Winehouse, but here’s what else happened.
Frank Sinatra, who won’t stay dead, talked about the awards and then joined Alicia Keyes in a duet. Alicia looked gorgeous, even though her hairdo was crazy. That Rihanna girl pranced around with Morris Day and his band, who were probably too old for anyone to remember them except for their buddy Prince. Prince looked fabulous in a fitted red suit and dark sunglasses with diamante accents.
Some idiot introduced Tina Turner as the Queen of Soul. Girl! Everyone knows that’s Aretha’s title. Anyway, Tina looked a little scary in a silver lame jumpsuit but she still knew how to move. Beyonce joined her, wearing a silver mini that highlighted her enormous legs. Her shorter blonde hair and new face were not enough to erase the My Pretty Pony effect.
I think John Mayer came out and accompanied someone on guitar, although I may be thinking of the David Letterman show. All you can think about when John Mayer appears is “Eeoow!” anyway.
Kanye sang his big hit and I know I wasn’t alone in thinking, what about your Mama? Sure enough, he had the word MAMA carved into his hair. I asked my teenager if he would do the same for me, were I to die before he accepted his Grammy award. He argued over some technicalities but I believe we have a deal.
Tom Hanks gave some award to the Beatles. Paul couldn’t be there, because he can’t just give Heather the money and call it a day. The always excruciating Cirque du Soleil performed a creepy routine to Day in the Life. If only that girl had fallen off the rope! Heather could have helped out with a new leg.
Aretha sang, accompanied by a gospel choir, a mountainous vision in a sea green dress. Be as fat as you want, Aretha, you are the Queen.
Two guys sang an aria or something, and the Foo Fighters had lank, greasy hair. Finally, the live by satellite performance by Amy Winehouse, in London. Amy looked gorgeous but very nervous. She rushed through two songs, screwing up a few times and wiggling her hips in obvious terror. Her desperation to prove herself was touching, just like her shock at winning the award. She sent out her thanks to “My Blake, incarcerated” and hugged her tiny haggard Mum.
Then the Album of the Year was mistakenly given to Herbie Hancock, who played the race card as he accepted the honor that rightly belonged to My Amy, not in rehab.
Posted in Celebrities, News
Tagged Amy Winehouse, Aretha, Blake incarcerated, Kanye West, Rihanna
3 Comments
Brad Renfro and the Trouble With Larry Clark
Larry Clark is a ‘polarizing’ figure, as they say about Hillary Clinton. You either deplore him for exploiting screwed up young people or admire him as a fearless artist with a unique vision.
After reading a piece in the LA Times this morning about Brad Renfro, I find myself feeling very angry at Larry Clark. In fact, I’m thinking, What a heartless motherfucker.
Clark recalls visiting Brad at his grandmother’s house just before the film “Bully” was set to go into production. Clark describes 18 year old Brad as looking “Horrible, bloated, he looked around 35.” Seeing the bloody tracks running down Brad’s arms, Clark remembers, “I just saw the whole movie going down the drain.”
Well, Larry, what can I say that you would understand? Larry Clark went on to ‘kidnap’ Brad Renfro, forcing him to ‘kick’ his cocaine addiction in the car, on their way to the film set in Florida. For this, I imagine Larry wants a medal.
I’m pretty sure that if you have an injured horse, it would be not only immoral but illegal to put him in a race. Yet, a poor young drug addict can be propped up with a babysitter in order to perform his role in a movie, where money can be made. Brad Renfro was still a commodity to be squeezed for every last drop, even when everybody he worked with says he was clearly on the downward spiral of a serious drug addict.
It’s not all Larry Clark’s fault. But since he’s made his career from the excesses of lost teenagers, I’m starting with him.
Posted in Celebrities, Horrible Stuff, News
Tagged Brad Renfro, heroin, Larry Clark, overdose
3 Comments
Online Shopping and The Grassy Knoll
Check out this beautiful dress. I loved it when I saw it online for $750 but I’m not crazy enough yet to spend that much on something I’ll probably never wear.
Recently, I saw it online at a store in the UK, marked down to $230. I had to order it! It’s like putting five hundred dollars in the bank, right?!
Soon afterward, I got a phonecall from DHL asking me for my social security number. I didn’t want to give it, even though the guy told me that this would cause my package to be delayed by customs.
I’ve been tracking the package, which has been in Los Angeles, just doing nothing for a week. Today I had a nice chat on the DHL website, with a “Live Customer Service Operator.” Here it is, cut and pasted. Please enjoy.
Please wait for a DHL Tracking Specialist to respond.
You are now chatting with ‘Stacie’
Stacie: Hi. Thank you for contacting DHL Live Chat. How may I help you?
Sister Wolf: My package from the UK has been at Gateway CA for 7 days!
Sister Wolf: when I call to see what’s going on,
Sister Wolf: I can’t get a live human to speak to me.
Stacie: I’ll be glad to help you with that. Please give me a moment while I check the records for you.
Stacie: As per our records, the shipment was delayed due to clearance issues.
Sister Wolf: thanks! when can you resolve the issues? It’s just a dress!!!!!
Stacie: I request you to contact our customs department at 866-600-0014 for any further assistance in this case.
Sister Wolf: you aren’t a human, are you?
Stacie: Yes, I am a Live person.
Sister Wolf: haha
Sister Wolf: when I call the number, I wont get any help
Stacie: I request you to contact the above number provided, one of our representatives will be glad to assist you in this case.
Sister Wolf: okay, but I’ve already been through this and no one helps
Stacie: I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.
Stacie: Please contact our customs department number at 866-600-0014, one of our representatives will be glad to assist you in this case.
Stacie: Do you have anything else for me to help?
(here I called the number and there was a pause)
Stacie: Are we online?
Sister Wolf: yes, I did get some help
Sister Wolf: are you sure your are a live person?
Stacie: Yes, I am a Live person representative.
Sister Wolf: do you know who killed Kennedy?
(here there was a long pause)
Sister Wolf: Some AI can answer that question!
Sister Wolf: (artificial intelligence programs)
(more pause….time passed)
Sister Wolf: Never mind, I see you are stumped. thanks for you help.
Stacie: You’re welcome. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Sister Wolf: no, bye.
Stacie: Thank you for using DHL services. Have a great day. Bye.
Stacie: Thank you for contacting DHL Customer Support. Please click on ‘Close’ button to end the chat session and take few minutes to fill in the Customer Survey Form. Your feedback is greatly appreciated.
Super Bowl Jello
I like to pride myself on my complete ignorance of football, but I ended up at a Super Bowl party on Sunday. A group of people watched the game, while others ignored it. When Tom Petty came on, everyone gathered near the TV and the middle-aged people began to sing along. The kids couldn’t take it, so the parents dutifully shut up.
I’m almost as not interested in Tom Petty as I am in football. Luckily, I got involved in an intense discussion about the Presidential campaign. Three brainy women agreed that Hillary was the best candidate. She knows what she’s doing and she has proved her mettle by surviving Bill’s infidelity without sacrificing her dignity.
But is her dignity actually intact? I have no idea! Is it dignified to stand by your husband when he deceives and humiliates you? I guess she could have thrown a fit in a press conference, or she could have called Monica out for a showdown or something. She could have screwed a hunky page and told Bill, “So there, Bubba!”
The women who wanted Hillary for President were so passionate about it that I was actually swayed for several hours. They had all fought to be taken seriously in their professions, whereas I personally have only fought against gainful employment. Their achievements are amazing to me.
Just as amazing was the nine layer Jello produced by the hostess, who made it with her daughter. They noted that they sometimes make twelve layers.
Look at how fucking beautiful this Jello is! It’s a cellphone photo, so imagine what a real camera could have captured. The glory of this Jello makes me glad to have friends who can cook, friends who have careers, and Democrats to vote for who won’t let themselves be swiftboated this time around.