Let’s Pause for a Moment of Joy!

pot-of-gold

Has everyone seen the pix of Sea’s gay boyfriend?!?!? God this makes me happy. What a gift, know what I mean?

Thanks for the heads up, andrea!

Posted in Art | Tagged , | 23 Comments

An Idyllic Outing

61-years-married

Today, Scott the Physical Therapist put Max in a special chair and took him outside to get some fresh air.

We joined this nice couple, who were also enjoying some sunlight. They have been married for 61 years and she has been staying by his side for 12 hours every day. He had a massive stroke and has already spent weeks at a real hospital before being transferred to the illustrious facility above.

As we breathed in the fresh air, Max and I were annoyed by the brazen squirrels who came much too close to us, even perching on my bench. As their number climbed to four, Max worried that they might bite his bare toes, a definite danger given the aggressiveness of the squirrels, who some morons in the “hospital” have encouraged by feeding them nuts and cookies.

I swung my walker at the vermin, yelling “Fuck off!” when “Scram!” had no impact whatsoever.

The old man mentioned the Boston Celtics, and his wife told him, “Come on, you know we don’t like the Celtics, we’re Dodgers fans!”   He seemed preoccupied with the number 555, but when she asked him if he wanted to go back inside, he answered graciously: “Oh yes, I would very much like that.”

People, are we learning anything from all this? Are we learning that life and health are incredibly fragile? That love is all that matters? That in one moment, your entire world can be turned upside down forever? That human kindness is a precious commodity? That shoes are irrelevant, as are virtually all other consumer goods?

I am still trying to formulate a response to all the unwelcome input that keeps assaulting my consciousness. I never knew the danger of bed sores, for example. I never thought much about total helplessness.

I do know that I fucking hate squirrels. Why do people persist in thinking they’re cute? All they do is spread disease and chew through electrical wiring. I genuinely despise them. I need a means of keeping them at a distance, to protect Max’s toes and my own sanity.

What can I bring to the hospital to repel the squirrels, besides rat poison? Any ideas?

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged , | 34 Comments

Don’t Try This at Home

max-is-now-christ

Having now attained the perfect haggard beauty of the suffering Christ, Max is hoping for permission to eat or drink tonight.

Reading the supportive comments here after 12 hours of dragging Biggie and Tupac around the hospital bed is so uplifting, you have no idea. You fuckers are the best. I must have done something right in a previous life. xoxo

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion | Tagged , , | 28 Comments

Important Developments

1. I asked to see a case manager.
2. I explained my immediate concerns, and used the word Cunt re attending physician.
3. I spoke to the CEO, who listened in horror, gave me his card, and promised a new doctor.
4. The chief of medical staff came in to see Max and ordered some tests and pain meds.
5.   A gastric specialist is coming in the morning.
6. A reader of Godammit.com (Jools) picked me up from the “hospital” and took me to my hip surgeon appointment. To call her an angel is a huge understatement.
7.  The hip is doing okay and has titanium rods in it.
8.   A Godammit.com reader (andrea) sent me a Nursing Care Plan for Max.
9.   Another blogger (WCGB) offered assistance and we bonded over the phone.
10. Max and I sang “Don’t Worry Baby” and I believe I was on key throughout.

The moral so far is this: It doesn’t just take a village; It takes the Internet.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion, Words | Tagged | 27 Comments

Message From Hell 2

Now his   stomach has stopped working. The original hospital says they don’t have a bed.

ileus:

Treatment involves placing a tube through the nose into the stomach or intestine to help relieve abdominal distention and vomiting.

Surgery may be needed to relieve the obstruction if the tube does not relieve the symptoms, or if there are signs of tissue death.

* Everyone who said I can call on them for help, I am taking you up on it. xoxo

* To the imbecile who thanked me for giving them perspective:   Next time you see me coming, you better run. (Bob Dylan)

Posted in Horrible Stuff, revenge | Tagged | 23 Comments

Message From Hell

Let’s say your son has been discharged from a major teaching hospital after four weeks in the ICU, and transferred to a convalescent hospital.   Let’s say you hate narratives that are written in the second person but that’s all you can handle.

Your son had been in the new place for 4 days. There, they have barely managed to turn him over in his bed once a day, never mind about physical therapy. He can’t put weight on his legs for several weeks.   His right clavicle is broken, meaning he can’t put much weight on his aright arm. He can’t sit or turn without help.

You break your hip in the middle of this but on day 4, you hear that he is doing poorly. He is trembling and disoriented. You think, SHIT, and your nephew takes you to the new place, where techs wander about yelling “Cuz!” or just lumber right past you.

In your son’s room, you see he is shaking and agitated. His stomach is so distended he looks 9 months pregnant. He can’t shit or pee. He is jerking his arms around and talking on imaginary telephones.

You go to ask for a doctor. A nurse comes and actually listens to you! It’s a miracle. Back in the room, your son starts to vomit. It is thick and dark, like blood. We all hope it’s the prune juice that his dad brought him on the previous night. You remember the withdrawal nightmare at the major teaching hospital. You ask the nice nurse to look at his records. Maybe they’ve suddenly taken him off lorazepam.

YES, she finds no lorazepam ordered for him. She give him 2 mg. His trembling subsides in intensity but continues. You hold his hand and he tries pulling off your fingers: He thinks they are some kind of cables.

The nurse calls the attending physician, a woman who saw him yesterday and asked, “Can you walk to the bathroom?” Haha, doctor, your patient cannot walk at all, try reading his records sometime.

After several hours, you get a ride home, in order to raise your swollen leg, aka Biggie. You leave instructions with his father, his uncle, his cousin and his aunt: Do not leave him alone tonight. Do not let them kill him! They promise to take turns staying in his room. A little while later, he pulls out his IV.

Back home, you make frantic phone-calls. Somebody somewhere must be able to help. This is America, we even have health insurance! A person in a good position to know these things suggests getting your son to an emergency room but first the people at the convalescent hospital have to call an ambulance.   As it turns out, they don’t want to call an ambulance.

In the morning, Allah willing, you will go back there and begin again. This is not about health reform, this is about WHAT THE FUCK! Any advice, send it.   Otherwise, keep your loved ones and yourself safe from harm, with all my sincerest blessings.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion | Tagged | 34 Comments

Artists or Idiots?

orlan-being-silly

A disgruntled reader just left a comment on a post about Andrew Krasnow, an artist whose medium is human skin.

I was Googling feminist cunt art when I came across this blog.   No, Krasnow never made lampshades of human skin, and no, the artist never bought the skin at auction.   Dude, get your facts straight before blogging about stuff you don’t know.

Oooh! Feminist cunt art?!? Take it away! But anyone who calls me Dude is worth listening to. This art expert goes on to say:

The idea is to get you to think.   Not everyone understands art. Why did Chris Burden have himself shot? Why did Orlan have 9 surgeries to recreate herself as living art? Why does Paul McCarthy like using ketchup in performance art?   Not everyone is meant to understand art.   If they did, there wouldn’t be such a thing as blue chip art.

Jesus. How many things are wrong with this lecture? I for one have no fucking idea why these artists did what they did, but my guess is that they are idiots. Chris Burden is now part of the establishment and doesn’t want people to kill hamsters and call it art, but that’s a topic for another day.

I’m glad this commenter brought Orlan to my attention, just so I can have another person to jeer at.   She is a French performance artist whose most recent shtick is to undergo icky operations and call it Art.

Why are people so stupid, does anyone know? Who is sillier, Orlan or her audience? I LOVE it when someone challenges me about art, because Dude, that’s why I have a blog. I’m still mad and I’m still getting madder!

Posted in Art, Rants, Words | Tagged , | 23 Comments

Poor Biggie!

biggie-smalls-the-illest

My leg with the broken hip is now swollen beyond recognition. It still looks like a leg, just not mine.

When I had trouble getting it up on the bed, I spoke to it aloud, offering encouragement. It seemed to respond. So I’ve named it Biggie.   If you look at this picture of Biggie, imagine the puffiness transposed to a leg and voila, that’s what it looks like. Even my foot is fat and puffy, like the foot of an enormous baby.

Naturally, I have named the other leg Tupac. Respect.   Here, enjoy the horror of my incision.

stapled-incision

There’s another smaller one a few inches down, but I don’t want anyone to accuse me of being too gory.

Posted in Horrible Stuff | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Maxes and Wild Things

mr-rabbit-by-sendak

I love Maurice Sendak just like all decent people, but I prefer his illustrations in “Mr. Rabbit and the Lovely Present” to “Where the Wild Things Are.”   The latter book is poised to be ruined forever by the movie version, and if that’s not enough there are the product tie-ins.

stupid-max-suit-610

Look at this tragically idiotic “Max suit” by Opening Ceremony for $610. Naturally, it is sold out.   I thought we were well past Plushies and Furries but no, not yet. Why is this supposed to be cute? Why do grown ups have to co-opt a children’s book? Children need Mommies and Daddies, not ironic label whores dressed in bunny suits.

It annoys me to see the name Max debased like this. A Max should look more like this:

max-writing-something

When my Max was born, the only Maxes around were old Jews. When Max was around 12 I think, Steven Spielberg named his kid Max and the scourge began. Still, the name cannot be ruined. It’s just too good.

Some other Wild Thing products include a couple of typically garish designs by jewelry designer Pamela Love.   Her claw necklace for Opening Ceremony is less ugly than her claw bracelets, but it still screams Ooh, Creepy Goth! which does nothing for me as a fashion statement.

If you like claws, you might appreciate my wacky vintage bracelet and earring set by Selro, a 50’s era brand that combined metal, plastic and rhinestones for its distinctive designs.

selro-demi-parure2

selro-details1

I have curated Quite the Collection of claw shit for years and years, but I am planning to sell most of it. I am much too busy having accidents and surgery to devote any time to a proper job. This Selro shit is in mint condition, $200 plus shipping. SOLD

Posted in Art, Fashion, Rants | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

You Won’t Even Believe This

bran

Let me begin with I’m Sorry, because I really am. This blog has devolved into a tale of woe that is much too personal but still not personal enough.   Try to bear with me.

I broke my fucking hip. I KNOW it’s not a good time to break my hip. That didn’t stop me. It was dark outside and I tripped and fell on the concrete driveway. I knew something was broken but I waited a few minutes before admitting that I needed an ambulance. In fact, I think I was pretty businesslike, given the pain and horror.

A broken hip hurts so much, you have no idea until you have one. It is agony. For the first couple of hours, I begged everyone not to hurt me. “Please don’t hurt me!” and “Please don’t let anyone hurt me!” over and over. An ER nurse named Debbie and an ex-ray guy did their best to help. Thanks Debbie and ex-ray guy!

The ER doctor told me that I needed surgery. When I pleaded with him, he told me that it was a really “bad” break and that’s why my leg looked “two inches shorter than the other one.” I still don’t know what he was talking about but he gets zero points for bedside manner.

I will try to cut to the chase. It’s five days later and I’m home. The pain is still off the chart but I’m supposed to try to keep moving. I think there are nails and screws in my hip/leg but oh well.

I will let you in on a little secret. All anyone cares about in the hospital are bowel movements. People want you to have one. Patients in other rooms are desperate to have one. I had a little notice board in my room with a list of 3 goals for the day.   Bowel Movement was number 3, after Reduce Pain and Try to Move.

I hope that no one reading this ever has to endure a broken hip, even if I hate you. Please be careful! Take calcium, too.   Max is doing well and I told him that lots of people were sending prayers and Good Thoughts. I know I can count on you to keep up the good work for him while I recover. xo

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion, Words | Tagged , , | 60 Comments