“Jeggings” Not Bad Enough?

jeggins

The insults never stop. ” Jeggings” seemed like a true winner in the Awful New Fashion Jargon category, easily on a par with “Shooties.”

But Stylebop has gone that extra mile with “Jeggins.”

Are they trying to kill me?!?

On the same topic, a popular blogger has recently posed the question, Should a blogger be allowed to censor or eliminate negative comments? The answer of course is, Only if the blogger is a coward or fascist. In the long thread of obsequious comments, however, fifty thousand lackeys offer some version of support, in the form of the same banal manifesto against “mean people.”

Nearly every comment includes the phrase “that being said” or “at the end of the day.”

Mean People Suck, right? It says so on the bumper sticker. As long as they don’t write “at the end of the day” though, they are a breath of fresh air compared to breathless ass-kissers. If you can’t stand up to a comment, no mater how rude or stupid, why bother blogging at all?   Just keep a personal diary and stop taking up bandwidth.

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 26 Comments

The Nursing Home Gambit

no-nursing-home

In the ongoing daily struggle against health-care incompetence, the major event of the week was The Nursing Home Gambit. It began when the chief of medical staff came in to say that Blue Cross was refusing to cover any further treatment at the pretend hospital. He announced this development as he loomed over Max’s bed. Is this correct protocol? Oh well.

Two days later, I called the “hospital” case manager about getting a bed near a window, and she revealed that Max needed to be discharged to a facility with a lower level of care. I laughed and repeated the words “lower level of care” thinking, Is that even possible? I warned her that we would not agree to any discharge until I had visited the new facility.

She gave me the addresses of two facilities that Blue Cross was willing to pay for. My friend Mark drove me to the first one, a convalescent home called something like “Windsor Palace” and located in the hood.

We tried parking in the tiny garage under the building but the stench was intolerable. Mark dropped me off at the entrance, where two old codgers were hanging out in wheelchairs. The codgers seemed pleasant, and one of them helped me when I felt dizzy and nearly fainted.

Inside, the scene was surreal. A “receptionist” sat at a small card table. Next to her, a white-haired old lady sat in a wheelchair, wearing a pink house-coat and a long rosary, wailing mournfully in a high-pitched tone at the top of her lungs. I said in a cheerful voice that I’d come to look around on behalf of my son.

A nice young Hispanic guy appeared and said he had just reviewed Max’s records. His supervisor had decided that they were not able to offer   Max the care he needed. I exclaimed, “Oh thank god!” and he walked me to the door. Outside, waiting for Mark to pick me up, I chatted with the two codgers. They confirmed that no one ever visited any of the residents, although “the CNA will sometimes spend some time with you if she likes you.”

Back at the “hospital,” I called Blue Cross. The guy I talked to said that they hadn’t denied any authorization for care from the “hospital.” Haha, false alarm! Or, more sinister, perhaps the “hospital” just wants to get rid of Max because he requires more care than a helpless old octogenarian with a tracheotomy.

Here is the thing to keep in mind: If you are considering a nursing home for one of your loved ones, it may be more merciful to simply kill them, if Windsor Palace is the norm, and I believe it is. I personally would much prefer to end it all with a quick blunt object to the back of my head than to spend my last months or years in a stinking hellhole where nobody reacts to my screaming and the CNA might spend time with me if she likes me.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged | 24 Comments

Adam Goldberg: YES

no-you-shut-up

I saw this photo the other day in juxtapoz, a stupid art magazine that my adopted son* Chris brought over.   I was stunned by the glory of the poster on the wall: NO YOU SHUT UP is the single most brilliant statement anyone could possibly make. I think it may be my next tattoo.

The photo is a still from a new movie called (Untitled), a satire about the contemporary art scene. Sign me up! Not that I’ll ever get out to see a movie, but, you know, theoretically.

Adam Goldberg is making a real comeback in my life after maybe being the guy in the Sarah Palin is a Cunt shirt. Last night, my kid got us a copy of The Hebrew Hammer and we laughed our heads off until the disc got screwed up in the last act and froze.

* If you don’t know about my adopted son, we became friends on MySpace through our shared appreciation of Deadwood. Chris lost his mom many years ago and I volunteered to adopt him. My family has accepted this situation very graciously, and why shouldn’t they?   I also have an adopted daughter, but we haven’t been able to meet yet.   If you need to be adopted, let’s talk when I’m not so overwhelmed.

Posted in Art, News, Words | Tagged , , , | 20 Comments

Your Chance to Spend Money!

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I haven’t been able to work since August, and now there is a pile of unpaid bills. This is not a “boo hoo, poor me” thing, it’s just a fact.   As you know, I was formerly a highly paid tabloid journalist. Now I am screwed.

So! Here is the big push to raise funds.   You can buy a fanatastic piece of Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection  while at the same time aiding in a humanitarian effort. It’s like painting a chair for the Dying Children, ONLY BETTER.

Above and below is a beautiful Chanel handbag from Neiman Marcus in immaculate condition. Never worn, hoarded for no good reason.

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All the usual shit included: bag, box, authenticity papers. Click on the photo to enlarge it.

Below, Chanel laquer bangle with rhinestones. It’s a wavy shape, rather than a plain circle. Perfect for any occasion, bla bla bla.

black-chanel-bangle1black-chanel-bangle2

Next, and this breaks my heart, is a leather purse by the amazing Natalia Brilli. Softest leather with sculptured hand thingy. Big enough for lipstick and a credit card. Wonderful in every way.

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If you wear a US 10 or a Euro 40, these Vivienne Westwood boots are both collectible and wearable if you can walk in heels. They have been in their original box under my bed since I bought them from Coggles.com.

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Made in Italy, real leather, hidden platform, fierce, to die for, etc etc.

Remember my Vivienne Westwood horns-tiara? Want to own it? Just say the word.

And remember this Sharon Wauchob coat from Sharon Osbourne’s private sale? Size 4, never worn, duh, only hoarded. Heavy black cotton with lots of weird designer details.

the-sharon-coatthe-sharon-coat2

Okay, so.   If you’re interested in any of these things from the Sister Wolf’s Hoarded Fashion Collection  , let me know. The bag = $600,   bangle = $150,   little purse = $125 SOLD,   boots = $450, coat = $80. SOLD

DO NOT LEAVE COMMENTS unless you want me to kill you.   “Nice stuff, I wish I had the money” would just embitter me further about my situation. Contact me at sisterwolf666@gmail.com or via my other email.

* Notice my walker in the first photo? I could have cropped it but no, that’s how awesome I am.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

Waiting For Mr. Capote

truman-capote

Mr. Capote shares a room with Max and has the side with a window. It’s also the side with the television. I used to assume that the window side was reserved for V.I.P.’s (i.e., people with better insurance) but now I have no idea how the beds are assigned.

We want Mr. Capote to leave, so Max can have the window. I don’t want him to die, just to leave.

At first, Mr. Capote was just an obscure and disgusting nuisance.   He is 79 but looks   much older, with a bald bullet head and hunched posture. Every so often, he grunts “Son of a bitch!” with great feeling. No one comes to visit him. Ever.

Most of the nurses and aides have trouble with his name. They call him Mr. Caputo, Mr. Capoat, and at least once, Mr. Cooper. He never corrects them. He sits at the edge of his bed for hours at a time, dozing off and leaning sideways very precariously. He has breathing treatments and physical therapy.   I believe that the toes on one foot have been amputated. He pees in a big plastic bottle that he keeps on the tray where he eats.

For the first time in two weeks, a caretaker engaged him in conversation. He is from central California. In other words, he’s an actual person, not a thing to be warehoused in a gray room in a pretend hospital.

Today, I asked Mr. Capote if I could use the lounger chair that had migrated from Max’s bedside into Mr. Capote’s side of the room. He said “Sure, go ahead.” When I had trouble moving it due to my walker, he even made a move to get up and help me.   I told him, “No no no, I can do it. We don’t want you falling and ending up like me!”

Where is Mr. Capote’s fucking family?! I still want the window, but when Mr. Capote is discharged to god knows where, it will be a hollow victory.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Words | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Ha Ha, Shoe Snobs!

rosegold-knockoff-bootie

Aren’t you guys sick of seeing the studded Isabel Marant booties that cost around $1,200?   Now you can have the satisfaction of knowing that this knockoff version is almost identical.   I hate both versions at this point, but that’s because I am (1) destitute and (2) crippled.

I hope someone hurries up and knocks off those huge Acne platform wedges.   Quick, Steve Madden and Jeffrey Campbell!

Posted in Fashion, revenge | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Why Won’t Lindsay Lohan Hit Bottom?

tragic-lindsay-lohan-face

When I saw this photo of Lindsay Lohan taking a bow at the disastrous Ungaro show, I couldn’t help feeling sorry for her. Look at the emotions playing upon her worn-out face:   “They love me!” “I’ve finally arrived!” “Now Sam will be sorry!”

She doesn’t even realize how much everyone hates her or how much ridicule she’s about to endure. She is totally, monumentally clueless. The bulging lips are the icing on the cake, as it were.

But check out this Ungaro model. No one bothered to get her a feeding tube, with all the commotion about how awful the clothes were.

starving-ungaro-girl

Poor girl! I’ll bet you anything that when she looks in the mirror, she sees a fat pig.   This isn’t Lindsay’s fault, even though Lindsay has a lot to answer for. Like the beaded white tuxedo jacket she wore to court today, which I’ve seen at net-a-porter and a bunch of other high-end shopping sites.

The truth is, I just can’t hate LL any more. She has exhausted my reserve of hatred for her and I need to move on.   Her sister might be a good candidate. Or maybe Kate Bosworth? Kate Bosworth hasn’t done anything offensive per se, but her pointlessness is starting to get to me.

Nominations, anyone?

Posted in Celebrities, Disorders, Rants | Tagged , , | 18 Comments

For the Bad-Writing Enthusiast

FASHION RODARTE SPRING 2010

Not too long ago, I applied for a job at the Refinery 29 blog.   They offered me an interview but the job turned out to be in New York.     Reading the following post, I realize that I couldn’t write such awful prose   even with a gun to my head.   It is simply beyond my capability. Ready, set, go:

We’re no newbies to fake tattoos, though it’s safe to say that the glittery unicorns and branded stick-ons from the local bank we used to apply don’t really garner us the same cred as the ones shown on this season’s runway. Delicate bracelets and chains were drawn onto the models at SChanel, and Gaultier paired his spring line with lettered prison tats. Rodarte went for the full monty and Sharpie’d the models’ arms and necks in full Maori effect. Less permanent than really getting pricked, but still pretty badass, we have a feeling that a little hand-drawn ink will start making its way off the runway and onto your arms, chests, and legs.

Jesus, whew!

Maybe my ears are too sensitive, but this just seems aggressively bad in every way: it’s pretentious, hokey, cutesy and irritating.   Is it standard fashion writing, or is it setting a new standard?

Who wants to count the language crimes? I’ll start with the first sentence. “Garner”, “newbies” and “cred” are all unforgivable.   For extra credit, try making it even worse, if that’s possible!

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 31 Comments

The Methadone Doctor

dr-methadone

There is a pain-management doctor at the “hospital” who surprised us last week by announcing that he wants to put my son on methadone instead of Oxy’s.

Max’s reaction was, “No, I don’t want to be addicted to methadone!” I decided to ignore Dr. Z, a tense Iranian guy who wears a Jewish skull cap. But on Friday, he came back to warn that he’ll be ordering methadone on Monday.

When Max asked, “What am I supposed to do when I get out of here and I’m addicted to methadone?” Dr. Z answered: “No problem, you come to my office and I’ll write you a prescription.”

Do you hear what I hear???? I hear a doctor drumming up clientele at an acute care hospital. Is this ethical?!?   Do you think for a minute that I’m going to let this cunt fuck up my kid????

I have notified the attending physician and the case manager that under no circumstances will Max accept methadone.   We made a sign to put up over his bed that says NO METHADONE.

If it’s not rabid squirrels, it’s a methadone pusher. It is fucking unbelievable.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, revenge | Tagged , | 24 Comments

Fashion vs Existential Horror

streetstyle-girl-idiot

Tonight, I was laying on my bed like a beached whale after my day at the “hospital” and talking on the phone to my sister. She was telling me about the three t-shirts she bought today and while she was talking, my mind drifted to the thought: “I’m glad I don’t need a tracheotomy.”

What a funny place to be, after a lifetime of shopping! I know it won’t last forever. When everything returns to normal, I’ll probably resume the mindless pursuit of clothes, boots and jewelry with as much vigor as the next addict.

But for now, everything is skewed. Photos of street style are particularly difficult to take seriously. The trendier the outfit, the more I feel that the person should just kill them-self. See the girl above? What’s the point of her, you know? She was told to wear a peak-shouldered jacket and painful high heels, and she complied. So what?!

On the other hand, fashion is not without its power to amuse when times are hard. Even though I have no urge to buy anything, I can still appreciate this jumpsuit for sale by Mom of Shoes:

jumpsuit-from-mom-of-shoes

It is described as:   Great 70’s lounge jumpsuit in bold houndstooth print. This is a very high quality piece, feels like wool.

Is she having a laugh or is she curating ironically ugly thriftstore crap? What does the word “great” mean in this context? I don’t get it, but it delivered another little frisson of perverse pleasure, and I use the word “frisson” because it goes so well with the jumpsuit.

Thoughts, complaints, etc?

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , , | 16 Comments