All things Icky

exquisite-bodies

Morbid Anatomy is a blog about icky dead stuff.   Every time I go there, I feel slightly ashamed, as though I’ve just peered into Hollister Hovey‘s curio cabinet. But the author is clearly passionate about her subject, and I have to respect her obsession. There are some images there that are truly nauseating, like the ones of syphilitic penises, but others (like the photo above) are often weirdly beautiful.

Obit is a website about death that has a modern sophisticated look about it, kind of like the Starbucks of death blogs. They even have an advice column “for the dying and those who care about them” by someone named Judy.   What they need is a Hit List , so I guess I need to start one.   Sting will be in the top five, as will Bono.   Nominations, anyone?

Finally, sticking to my theme of All Things Icky, here is a photo from the online site of Oak NYC, a trendy clothing shop.

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Looking at the boy’s tragic tattoos, I felt bad for his mother. Somewhere, a woman is heartbroken. And yet, I saw this photo again, on a fashion blog, where the comments ranged from “Rad” to “The clothes look cool and the models even cooler.”

Posted in Art, Horrible Stuff, Words | Tagged , , , | 12 Comments

The Douche at the Coffee Bean

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As I walked out onto the patio of the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf in Santa Monica, a tall shirtless douche was involved in a contretemps with an elderly woman who was afraid of his dog. He was saying to her, “I told you there’s nothing to be afraid of, now just shut up!”

How rude, I thought as I sat down with my coffee. The douche was returning to his table where he’d been sitting with a girl he just met in the parking lot. They had realized they had a friend in common, “Brian.”

The douche’s dog wandered over to me and I pet its head. “Oh, sorry,” said the douche as he came to get the dog. I gave him a nice smile and said: “You don’t have to be sorry to me!”

At this, he flipped out, screaming, “Hey, I don’t have to be sorry to anyone! I have nothing to be sorry about! I’m here having a great day, I’m enjoying myself, I’m with a beautiful woman!”

I started laughing, and a guy working at a laptop said to the douche, “Stop yelling.” The douche turned to taunt the laptop guy, who muttered, “Psychopath.” “You’re the psychopath!” screamed the douche.

The douche sat down again with the girl, who seemed thrilled by his performance. Together, they phoned the mutual friend to tell him they were together at the Coffee Bean. The douche went back inside to get more coffee while the girl continued on the phone. “Yeah,” she said happily. “He’s GREAT!”

Here they are, above. Reading their body language, I wouldn’t be surprised if she slept with him later that day and he rewarded her by bashing her head in. I can’t even feel sorry for her, you know? You get what you pay for.

Posted in Art, Disorders | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

The Essence of Hipsterism

hovey-sisters

The problem with Hipsters is that everything they love becomes kitsch. Hipsters in Williamsburg NY have so violated the neighborhood that Danny Hoch wrote a play about it.

The New Hipsters are “looking for an authentic experience.” They LOVE “authenticity.” They love to collect stuff, the older the better. Victorian, Edwardian, even old Americana will do. They love Amish shit, as you can imagine. It’s not only authentic, it’s “honest.”

The first time I happened upon a person called Hollister Hovey, I was severely traumatized. (See her living room, above.) I couldn’t even pull myself together to rant about her. It’s not PC to complain about Hollister Hovey, whose very name is intolerable. You have to gush about how chic and wonderful she is, with her eccentric collections of old leather hunting helmets, battered old luggage, vintage military crap, hatboxes, and most annoying, her taxidermy.

Taxidermy is officially kitsch, thanks to Hollister. What used to be creepy and morbidly fascinating is just crap now. There’s probably no hipster apartment anywhere that lacks a mounted animal head or at least some antlers.

Some Hipster in Brooklyn named Sean Crowley collects English and French umbrellas from the 30s and 40s.   His apartment is filled with old heraldic devices and Edwardian portraits. He really needs to learn from Hollister though, since he hasn’t managed to fill every inch of his dwelling with pretentious clutter.

more-hollister-crap

Old medical crap is essential to any Hipster’s very being. Vintage anatomical posters, old dental equipment, a Hipster would kill its own grandmother to get at her vintage dentures.

I remember that someone came up with the term Bobos (short for Bourgeois Bohemians) to depict a certain brand of Hipster.   The New Hipster is different, in that instead of bragging about their Prius they brag about their stuffed flamingo.

If you can’t learn to hate them, I might have to offer a course in Remedial Hatred.   I have to master the video thing first, though.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged , , , | 33 Comments

First Sister Wolf Video!

Figuring out how to make a video at my sister’s house. A masterpiece!

UPDATE   9/18/09:   Video removed due to sisterly objections.

Posted in Art | Tagged , | 29 Comments

Is This Hideous Enough?

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I have to say that this fur vest actually scared the shit out of me.

It’s the Haute Hippie Mongolian Vest, $895.   It’s “the look of the season” so steel yourself.   Why would anyone want to buy this, except to scare people?

Help me understand the buyer at Saks.   She must have been thinking “This vest will appeal to ______________________ because _________________________.”

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Mrs. Palin Was a Hoochie!

Back in 1995, Mrs. Palin was a real hoochie, as you can see in this video. Lots of eyeliner, big hoop earrings, snapping her gum, she almost looks like a chola, and that is a huge complement.   No wonder she’s such a mean-spirited bitch! Losing your youth is a hard pill to swallow.

What I like even more about this video is Todd’s face. He appears to have some rugged pitted acne scars, which are now missing. Has anyone researched the missing acne scars??

I think it’s time to add Todd’s Face-gate to the Babygate, Housegate and Troopergate inquiries.

Posted in News, Words | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

Starving vs Force-feeding

eat-please-alexa-chung

Alexa Chung is rocking some fierce and super-coveted Acne wedges, but nobody seems to notice that she’s starving. Why won’t Alexa eat?

The question is rhetorical. I know why. Been there, refused to eat that. Alexa probably looks in the mirror and sees nothing but fat.

On the other hand, in Mauritania, girls are still force-fed in order to procure a husband in a culture that regards obesity as socially desirable. This tradition, called leblouh, is literally torture.

leblouh

This is some fucked up shit, isn’t it?   Two cultures, two ways to subjugate women.

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

The Real Housewives of Venice

lapd-helicopter

Last night some time after midnight, while trying to figure out why I was watching a show called “Miami Social” since I can never remember who the characters are or which ones are the more offensive, I was rudely interrupted by police helicopters circling over my house.

It became so noisy that my husband looked outside and said there were police cars in the street, flashing lights and talking on their radios.

For the next 3 hours,   the helicopters circled and every so often a directive was given through a bullhorn, like “You have one minute to come out and put down your weapons.” This particular announcement was really exciting as I watched through my front window. I complained to my husband, “Now they need to follow up with a consequence!” As every parent knows, you can’t just issue a One Minute threat and then not deliver. It’s just bad behaviorism.

I called the LAPD early on in this adventure to ask what was going on, and was told that the cops were looking for a suspect in a domestic violence incident. Today, I’d like to know if they caught the suspect or if he’s hiding in my garage.

Anyway, after narrating the action to my husband, screaming “Ooooh, girl, there are 3, no 4 cops at the door over there! Break in the door! Go in there!” I finally gave up and went to look at my YSL Rive Gauche sequin top that I just got at my neighbor hood thrift store.

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No police action can stop the hoarding and modeling at the Sister Wolf household. That’s just life in Venice.   The show must go on.

This top is really amazing, must more impressive in person. It zips up the side for a perfect snug fit, and there are little zippers at the cuffs too. One of the shoulders opens with tiny concealed snaps under the gold epaulettes.   There’s a chevron beaded design among all the sequins, and the lining is silk.

Here are the options (assuming the suspect isn’t in my garage and doesn’t kill me) –
1. I can list this top on eBay
2. I can keep it.

If   I keep it, what would I wear it with?!? And since I have nowhere to go, why would I wear it?

Okay, I’m ending this episode with a cliffhanger. Please advise.

Posted in Art, News, Rants, Uncategorized, Words | 28 Comments

The Dregs of the Dregs of Reality TV

watch-what-happens

My husband discovered a new show for us to watch late at night, now that we’ve developed the habit of following Reality TV so we can jeer at stupid idiots and feel infinitely superior. “Watch What Happens Live” is like something your TV would watch if it could hold the remote.

A TV show about the denizens of Reality TV (and notice how I was moved to use the word ‘denizons’ as an homage to awfulness!) is like the end of civilization. TV cannibalizing itself is surely the end of the road, at least the road as we know it. What’s left? Two commercials interviewing each other?

So anyway, this guy named Andy Cohen sits around getting drunk with his guests, and shows promos of various Housewife Reunions. Last night I saw some Atlanta Housewives screaming and threatening each other and it was very exciting. I only caught a couple of the Atlanta shows, so I was very intrigued by the animosity between a big obnoxious tranny named Kim and a poor alcoholic woman called NeNe (sp?) Fucking fantastic!

Then, Andy asked his guest, Isaac Mizrahi, which of them was the gayest. Whoa! Complete toss-up, as Kelly Ripa concurred, whoever she is. Andy also asked Isaac which of them was more Jewish!   My husband and I looked at each other in amazement and delight: Two Jewish fags sitting around drinking and talking shit!

Where the fuck is my Reality show?!?!? An angry depressed unemployed Venice Housewife, getting in fights with the whole world….I could invite my gays and talk shit about other bloggers! I would even drink, if necessary.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged | 15 Comments

Two Ways to Honor Michael Jackson

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One way is to buy this jacket (now available in white) from BB Dakota. $79

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Or, you can wear this air-brushed t-shirt with little black rhinestones on the fro (!), even though your husband always asks “Who’s that supposed to be?” every time you’ve worn it over the last 15 years.

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion | Tagged , | 9 Comments