Ugly Jeans Face-Off

Posted on July 13, 2009 by Sister Wolf

madewell-ugly-jeans

One of a Kind Designer Distressed Jeans [by Madewell].   $225

“Lovingly demolished, these dirty-wash skinny jeans feature paint splatter and shredded holes. 5-pocket styling and single-button closure. Wrinkling at front. Worn spots and heavy distressing throughout. 10″ leg opening.”

radcliffe-bf-jeans

The Oxford Twisted Outseam Boyfriend Jean from Radcliffe. $210

“Radcliffe combines everyday wearability and an understated luxury in every garment with a deep understanding of how women want their clothes to fit and complement their shape.”

This is a tough call. The Madewell jeans are lovingly demolished. When was the last time you lovingly demolished something? The other nght, I stepped on a huge cockroach. I wasn’t feeling the love, I have to admit. Hm.   The splattered paint might give this pair the edge, in that it’s pretentious. You’re not only pretending that you keep your battered old jeans, but also that you’re an Artist.

However, the Radcliffe Boyfriend Jean is such an oxymoron! You’ll never have a boyfriend if you go out wearing these. And I like the Radcliffe mission statement: a deep understanding of how women like their clothes to fit?! Hahaha!

I do realise that I have a perverse fetish, deriving pleasure from ugly jeans. What’s that called again? Being a cunt? Or is there a more specific term for it?

Posted in Disorders, Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 19 Comments

Mrs. Palin and The Unspeakable

Posted on July 13, 2009 by Sister Wolf

palin-sacrifices-human-baby

Here is Mrs. Palin, just days after her resignation, preparing a baby for human sacrifice.   Mrs. P is marking the spot where the giddy mother will cut the heart out for the Unholy Offering.

Oh fine.   Maybe I’m just hallucinating. Maybe it’s perfectly normal to autograph a baby while its head hangs upside down and someone digs their nails into its arm to hold it still.

But after refreshing my memory with some blogs that still hope to uncover the truth about Trig’s birth, I have to wonder if I’m the only one with this theory: Mrs. Palin was hoping to lose her baby, but despite her best efforts, he survived.

Wait! Hear me out!

Le’s say you were a bible-spouting “pro-life” Christian who was genuinely opposed to abortion under any circumstances. Then, you find yourself pregnant at 43, carrying a baby with Down Syndrome. You already have 4 kids, two who are clearly on the road to big trouble. You are pursuing a political career and it’s really taking off.

What can you do? You could hide your pregnancy, even from your children and your staff. Maybe somehow God will step in and let you have a miscarriage.

When God doesn’t jump in, you stay busy, jogging and acting like you’re not pregnant. You don’t tell your kids or your staff. Maybe you can still miscarry your unexpected and unwanted baby.

Finally, as luck would have it, your water breaks while you’re giving a speech in Texas. Great! You decide to fly back to Alaska, where someone can help you out, like your discreet private doctor. When your plane lands, shit, the baby still seems okay. So you drive to Wasilla, taking 5 more hours, still hoping to lose the baby.

In the end, your baby is born healthy, even though he is premature. What can you do except send everybody a funny letter about your very special baby, and sign it: “Trig’s Creator, Your Heavenly Father.”

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

Your Key Piece For Fall

Posted on July 13, 2009 by Sister Wolf

rag-and-bone-leather-dresscamilla-and-marc-leather-dress

Your rocker chic look will revolve around the leather dress. These two are at Intermix.   Haha, I already have mine.

I’ve got my over-the-knee leather boots and my six leather jackets. Now all I’m missing are the leather you-know-whats (I’ve decided never to use the word “leggings” again, after reading this account of an idiotic personal struggle over them.)

Is there another word I can use? “The L-word” is already taken.   I need suggestions.

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Fashion: Too Fashionable

Posted on July 11, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Louise Wilson, the course director of the M.A. program at Central Saint Martins, voices a complaint in an interview with Cathy Horyn.

I think the problem is that fashion has become too fashionable. For years, fashion wasn’t fashionable. Today fashion is so fashionable that it’s almost embarrassing to say you’re part of fashion. All the parodies of it. All the dreadful magazines. That has destroyed it as well, because everybody thinks fashion is attainable.

Did you follow that? I’m not sure if I did, but if she’s saying that fashion is now available to the masses and as such it has reached a saturation point where everyone is decked out in the same “It Items.” then I totally agree.

For fall, it’s shaggy fur coats and vests, pseudo biker crap, lots of leather, sky-high heels, pre-shredded jeans and t-shirts, multiple chains, more leather leggings. We’ll all look like high-priced prostitutes and leftovers from Dallas with big padded shoulders and gaudy bling.

I’m already sick of it! It’s so tired and trite. Why even bother?

I propose three strong new looks for autumn/winter: The Saint, The Nun, and the Lady Mobster.

christian-lacrouix-saint-dress

Christian Lacroix knows what he’s doing. This dress should inspire us to make our own saint regalia with old tablecloths and fabric flowers.   For headgear, maybe some old flamenco hair combs with lace veils.

Obama Vatican

Michelle’s gorgeous veil by Moschino surely put that Pope in his place by outdoing him in drama. Haha, Pope Ratty, now what? Her look reminds me of how beautiful women can add a new dimension of sexuality to Nun garb. If the black lace is too solemn for you, here’s a different take on Nunwear by Lust Designs.   Penny, the designer, is a doll.

latex-nun

Finally, there’s the Lady Mobster. Janet Jackson epitomized this look at her brother’s memorial. I have never seen her look more beautiful or commanding. She was perfection, dressed and styled by Versace.

janets-mob-lady-attire1

Elegant, ladylike, tough, sexy, a look that says Don’t Fuck With Me.

There you have it, Sister Wolf’s three looks for the modern woman who’s ready to move beyond Boho fringe, rompers and Faux Rocker Chick dishevelment.

Posted in Art, Fashion | Tagged , , , | 21 Comments

More Shoes to Worry About

Posted on July 11, 2009 by Sister Wolf

8020-strappy-cody

The sight of these boots from the new 80/20 lookbook triggered a variety of feelings, like OH NO, will I start wanting these? and ending with, Would Rumi wear them? From now on, when I evaluate footwear, I’m going to apply the Rumi test.   If the answer seems like Yes, they are automatically off my agenda.

jeffrey-campbell-strappy

What about these Jeffrey Campbell gladiator sandals. If you can’t tell whether something is a sandal or boots, that could be a bad sign. I think I like these anyway. They’re only $180. If only they were $475,   I’d LOVE them and fret about them   You know exactly what I mean, right?

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

Beauty and Babies

Posted on July 8, 2009 by Sister Wolf

blanket

Look at Blanket.   It almost hurts to see such a beautiful child.   I can’t stop looking at him.

Ambika asked me to list Ten Honest Things, so my outburst above is number 1.

2. I love babies.
3. I want a baby.
4. When I offer to babysit,   people are scared off by my neediness.
5. I love to watch little kids when I’m in line at the post office.
6. I love it when they fall down.
7. I love toy babies and baby parts, like these soap baby hands.

baby-hand-soaps

8.   Both of my babies were more beautiful than any baby ever.
9. I was pretty cute too, but by five I looked like Anne Frank.
10.   I am still in awe of this photo, after 16 years.

meandbaby

Posted in Art, Celebrities | Tagged , , | 27 Comments

Daphne Guinness is Just Normal, Get it?

Posted on July 8, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I know everybody loves Daphne Guinness. I’m about to get sacrilegious.

Why does she talk like she has marbles in her mouth? Are her lips okay? Does she signify anything besides wealth and acquisitiveness?

I’m sorry! I’m prepared to be banished from the internet for this impropriety. That’s okay, this interview makes me want to kill myself.

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion, Religion | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

I Told You So

Posted on July 7, 2009 by Sister Wolf

dior-suspender-belt

I told you girdles and suspender belts were hot, but would you listen?   Now, Dior is on board, and let’s see who can resist the call.

Girdles, garter belts, industrial strength brassieres, it’s all good. Taking a hint from Amanda Palmer, I’d like to strut around in a black garter belt, raggedy stockings and army boots. I don’t know what could be more ’empowering’ and inviting at the same time.

I hate the word “empowering”, by the way.   What I mean is, to revel in one’s sexual authority.   If you’ve never worn a garter belt, try it and see it’s effect.

I once knew a woman whose husband’s preference in lingerie was plain white underwear.   I tried not to let on how horrified and disgusted I was:   What a fucking   freak! It wasn’t like he wanted a schoolgirl, it was more of a Pottery Barn aesthetic. I guess he thought sexy underwear was vulgar. Sure enough, she had an affair with a guy she worked with, but he turned out to be a pantyhose enthusiast. I’m not sure what this proves.

Today I went out with my BFF and bought a bra from a sale rack. I was later surprised to hear that this constitutes “shopping.”   Since when is buying a bra shopping?!   I also bought a lipstick, which I know isn’t shopping, it’s just restocking.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

You Can Take the Cunt Out of Wasilla, But

Posted on July 5, 2009 by Sister Wolf

palin-the-clown

How does the rest of it go? Oh, never mind. How about this instead: In a letter to her followers, trying to clarify her reason for quitting, Mrs. Palin explained “It’s about country.”

Sheeit Negro! That’s all you had to say!

Not that it makes any sense. Here’s her letter, if you want to bother with it. It’s more of the same incoherent whining. “It’s about country” reminds me of Donna Karan saying “It’s about comfort.” I just don’t like sentences that begin with “It’s about.”   But at least Donna Karan has given us some   good fashion, which you cannot say of Mrs. Palin unless you live in a trailer park.

One of Mrs. Palin’s stated reasons for quitting her job is that people have been mean to Trig. I didn’t give it another thought until I read this statement given to CNN by Palin’s faithfully deranged spokesperson Meghan Stapleton. Brace yourself.

“Recently we learned of a malicious desecration of a photo of the Governor and baby Trig that has become an iconic representation of a mother’s love for a special needs child. The mere idea of someone doctoring the photo of a special needs baby is appalling.”

Oooh, you can doctor a picture of a regular baby, but not a special needs baby. Good to know! Here’s the desecration, posted by Alaskan activist Celtic Diva.

celtic-diva-picture

The face superimposed on the baby is Eddie Burke, a talk-show host who supports Mrs. P.

This photo was so horrible, so mean, so un-American, that Stapleton wanted President Obama to intervene. She went on to say:

“Babies and children are off limits. It is past time to restore decency in politics and real tolerance for all Americans. The Obama Administration sets the moral compass for its party. We ask that special needs children be loved, respected and accepted and that this type of degeneracy be condemned.”

Wow! It’s degeneracy! I thought it was just photoshopping.

Now that Mrs. P is threatening to sue the internet for spreading rumors about her reasons for quitting,   I can only hope she finds out how many times I’ve called her a crazy bitch and a stupid cunt. A nice lawsuit would direct more traffic here, and then maybe I could designs some shoes for Urban Outfitter or somehow get enough money to pay my car registration bill!

Help me out Mrs. Palin, you fucking numskull!

Posted in Disorders, News, Words | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

The Palin Palinoscopy

Posted on July 4, 2009 by Sister Wolf

thanks-heidi-palin-running-medley

“Let’s not all start sucking each other’s dicks just yet, gentleman.” ~ The Wolf,   Pulp Fiction

I know how shocked you are by Mrs. Palin’s announcement today, so I’m going to share the inside scoop.

Yes, she was tweaking on meth. Levi’s mom forgot to tell her how good this batch was, so it wasn’t Mrs. P’s fault. Nothing is ever her fault.

Yes, she asked her kids whether she should resign, and yes, there were four votes of Yes and one “Hell yeah!” Trig swears like a sailor at his young age, but it’s not Mrs. P’s fault. It’s Todd. That dude is all Motherfucker this and Motherfucker that. Naturally, Trigg likes to imitate Grandpa Todd.

Yes, Mrs. P. admitted she was “wired” differently. That’s not her fault! I personally am wired funny. I bump into things and I can’t do arithmetic. So what, I’m still a valuable citizen of this great country of ours.

Yes, she misattributed a military quote to Gen. Douglas MacArthur, but that’s not her fault. She told Piper to look it up and Piper got it wrong. It won’t happen again, believe me.

Yes,   she said that the world needs “more Trigs.” She didn’t mean that Trig should be cloned. God is against cloning! Cloning is science! What she meant was, “I plan to hide behind my developmentally disabled child whenever I need to deflect criticism.” See? It’s pro-life.

Here’s the thing. Sometimes, you have to lead by quitting. Like in basketball, Kobe Beef or whatever his name is, might ensure his team’s victory by walking off the court in the middle of the game.   That’s a sports analogy. Or if you’re fishing, you might cut bait to catch the fish.   That’s like a popular saying in Alaska, you probably don’t get it, but it totally makes sense.

It’s a bold, bold move. The fun is only just beginning.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 24 Comments