Who the Hell are John and Kate?

whoarethey

There are too many names out there, and it’s getting way too hard to keep up. Who are these John and Kate people who are now having marital problems?

I saw one of them on TV last night, and she was sporting an old school Posh Spice asymmetrical hairdo. What is her point with that, can somebody fill me in? Is she married to a Hawaiian guy, and if so, why? Also, who do they have so many kids? Is it an Octomom kind of deal or just too much fertility drugs?

Also, who is Lauren Conrad? Pictures of her look just like Lindsay Lohan, right? Who is Audrina? Who is Tinsley Mortimer and for the love of god, who is Talor Momsen? I keep seeing these names as though I’m supposed to know who they are!   Oh wait, I know who Taylor Swift is, I think. Is she the girl who plays guitar but can’t sing?

I know who Heidi Montag is! She married some guy and everyone hates them. (I’m just proving that I know some of this shit.) And I know that Hayden Panti-something has an enormous head and looks   middle aged but is really quite young.

Are all of these people on the same TV series? Why are they all blond? Why do some of them have clothing lines while others don’t?

Oh no, one more just popped into my head…Whitney Port or Something Whitley? Make them Staaaaahp, Bethenny!

Posted in Celebrities, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

This is Not a Mom Blog

magritte-pipe

But I am nothing if not a mom.

I was too depressed to write a Mother’s Day thing.   I was planning to link back to Mothers Who Kill, to get a discussion going.   Then I considered posting a photo of my mom, back when she looked young and beautiful and full of hope.   In the end, I went to bed ignoring the subject and feeling sorry for myself. An obscure self-pity. You know the kind, if you’re a mom with teenagers or grown-up children.

I am writing a book in my head about motherhood, and the first chapter will be titled “Relax: Whatever You Do Will Be Wrong!”

The last chapter will describe The Samurai Mom .   But first I need to bestow the Sister Wolf Samurai Award upon my friend Hammie.   She represents the essence of what being a Samurai Mom  is all about.

samurai-award-small

Hammie rides into battle every single day. She will stay on that horse no matter what. She will battle for her children whenever necessary, fearlessly and often thanklessly.   She will battle with her children, too, since raising them involves standing up to them when it would be easier to give in or just hide under the bed.

Hammie’s two kids are autistic, which means she must be their advocate and attorney as well as their mom. She isn’t daunted by the A word, and has made it her business to uncover and celebrate the ‘other side’ of austism, i.e. the gift of the unusual mind.

She is a noble Samurai who constantly finds new ways to help her children blossom, and to cherish their successes. She finds strategies instead of complaining or seeing problems as either/or situations.   She reaches out to parents and kids who seek her wisdom or friendship.

I wish I’d had a mom like Hammie! I wish I could be a mom like Hammie. In difficult situations, mom’s could do a lot worse than ask themselves, “What would Hammie do?”

You can even go to her blog and ask her. She will not only answer, she might just send you a box of chocolate Tim Tams.

Posted in Religion, Words | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

Chloe Sevigny Advisory!

chloesevigny-or-die

QUICK!   DROP EVERTHING!

Opening Ceremony will let you pre-order your Chloe Sevigny buckle boots if you act now! There will be no returns or exchanges, but so what, you will do as you’re told and buy these damn shoes if you know what’s good for you.

$625, but too bad, you know you need them or you’ll be hopelessly fucked and un-Chloed and a total fucking loser. Seven buckles! They laugh   in the face of your Surface 2 Air shoes.

Don’t ever say you weren’t warned.

Posted in Fashion, News, Rants | Tagged , , | 10 Comments

The Horror of Unemployment

Having been laid off from a job that paid $500 an hour, I am reduced to looking for work at craigslist.   Here is some actual correspondence from this week,   typos included, edited only to protect my identity.

Hello,

I am responding to your ad for a fashion, celebrity & lifestyle writer. I have been writing freelance for a tabloid magazine, and I write every day on my blog at http://godammit.com.

I would love to learn more about this job and look forward to hearing from you.

Best,
Sister Wolf
~

You seem very talented:) I like your work.

Me and a group of social media addicts launched a web site called smaknews.com, please signup to it and tell me what you think, tell me if you see your self working there.

Then send me your rate and goals.

Looking forward working with you:)

Michael Abehsera
CEO www.SmakNews.com
~

Hey Michael,

Sure, I could come up with 50,000 posts a day for your blog….but I really am interesting in earning some money from writing, since I have my own blog.

What are you paying your writers? I need to have a weekly sum, at least 50 bucks, or I can’t put my time into it. Know what I’m saying?

Thanks for reply!

Best,
Sister Wolf
~

50 bucks a week or per article? if its per week how many articles?

Michael Abehsera
~

Well, I am a bit confused about what you’re looking for!   So many of the posts at you blog are just taken from other blogs…

Are you looking for original content? If yes, I could write a couple of posts for 50 bucks.

Could we talk on the phone about this? Just so I can get a clearer idea of what you are looking for.
~

have you heard of the term social news site?
Any ways if you look at our site thats what we are like digg, reddit etc you post news from other sources, but we also have our own content.
So I am looking for original content.
Any ways for now we have enough writers starting I will keep you info for future reference, thanks.

Michael Abehsera
~

Okay, thanks. BTW, “anyways” is not a word.

Sincerely,
Sister Wolf

Posted in Horrible Stuff, revenge, Words | Tagged , | 26 Comments

The Shoe Challenge

Ugh!

Okay.   Pony fur, check.   Rhinestones, check.   Diamonds (?!), check.   Gladiator straps, check.   Absurd price, check.

Is there a worse shoe, ( not   counting this one from Topshop, which I’m sure is a little joke and not really a shoe, as such?)

topshop-pegasus-sandal

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

Cher: Mutton Dressed as Mutton

A reader brought up the subject of Cher, and while I’d rather ignore her, the issue of how to age gracefully is never far from my mind.

Regarding Cher and her reprise of the see-through bodysuit, it was horrible and inappropriate the first time around (in 1992?) and it still is today. Who gives a shit if she wears it at 40, 60, or 80 years old? The woman wants to look stupid and embarrassing; She’s Cher! It’s her shtick.

The problem is, we don’t want her influencing other older women who might see this as a green light to Dress As Young as They Feel.   Let us not encourage the tragic notion that age doesn’t matter. When we see a woman who seems blind to her own folly, and I’m talking to you Madge, it’s just sad.

Vivienne Westwood has managed to carry her look into old age, in part because she’s simply a great-looking woman, and because she knows what suits her. Maybe having the hot younger husband helps as well.

But Betsey Johnson makes me feel depressed. She looks like she doesn’t get it. Is she being ironic by looking like she’s nuts, or is she sincere? Patricia Fields is scary looking, but I’m guessing she works hard at being that scary. Pam Hogg looks nuts too, and I’d still like to know how old she is. Her look seems to say, I’m a Rule Breaker, Go to Hell if You Can’t Dig Me.

Most of us, though, have to be willing to accommodate old age into our look. It’s not nice to look 18 from behind and and then give someone a heart attack when you turn around. Half the woman in L.A. are unaware of this simple rule of etiquette. I personally have asked several friends to let me know when I start committing this gaffe but I think they pity me too much to let me have it.

To tell you the truth, now that Patti Smith has dyed her graying hair, I am feeling a bit disoriented.

What is Patti’s message to me? If she’s just saying, Fuck it, Who Wants Gray Hair, then I’m on board. Women who let their hair go gray are so misguided. It’s just bad, and that’s that. They might as well go around screaming I NEED ESTROGEN! (Fine, I have screamed that at my family on a couple of occasions, but that’s because I could feel my estrogen plummeting. They didn’t even need me to tell them, apparently.)

Women whose style is always evolving will probably have the best chance of carrying off old age without evoking pity or shock. Me, I’m in for trouble. My style hasn’t changed, but old women in tight jeans tend to offend me. I’m thinking, oh god, Woodstock is over, lady.

And they’re probably thinking the same thing about me!

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion | Tagged , , , | 27 Comments

Mrs. P’s Book Deal

It stands to reason that a fucking moron with no facility for the English language would be offered several million dollars to write a book.

Robert Barnett, the attorney who brokered the deal with HarperCollins, is also quite the linguist. He says: “Every word of the book will be her words.”   He certainly seems qualified to helps her, doesn’t him?

Ah, Mrs. P. Just when I’ve decided it’s time for me to write a book, you go and piss me off again.   I know you have more of a story to tell, but still, you are incapable of telling it.   Also too, you will just use all that money to advance your awful agenda. Neiman Marcus, look out!

Will the book be a best seller? Does Todd Palin shit in the woods? It will be massive. We will see her face on every TV screen, once again, and in our dreams. There will be no escape.

Some blogger in their pajamas in their parents’ basement will have to calculate how much money she gets paid per lie. I’m really creeping myself out here.

I wanted to call my life story “Ordeal,” but Linda Lovelace stole that title years ago. What will Mrs. P call her memoir? We should start working on this, in case she asks for suggestions!   Let’s listen to her discuss her exciting project:

Being a voracious reader, I read a lot today and have read a lot growing up. And having that journalism degree, all of that, will be a great assistance for me in writing this book, talking about the challenges and the joys, balancing the work and parenting, and, in my case, work means running the state.

I’ve read a variety of books, and that helps shape my opinions and my views.

Well, I’m sold.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Words | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

Girdles Part 2: True Fiction

At thirteen, I still had braces on my teeth but I wore a ton of eyeliner to compensate. I was looking for trouble and I found it in an attic apartment occupied by a pair of Dirty Hippies.

The Hippies were both nineteen years old and mine had a handsome baby-face with a goatee. The other one had long stringy hair and a suede fringed jacket that he later gave to my sister. It stunk of tobacco and sweat, and I was always begging to borrow it.

The Hippies taught me how to smoke pot, but I don’t think I did it right. They entertained other middle-class schoolgirls, some in their uniforms, all hoping to establish their coolness in the smoky attic, under the tutelage of the Dirty Hippies, who hung a sheet up to separate their mattresses.

For a while, I struggled to maintain my purity on the filthy bare mattress, but my Hippie found the way to my heart, or I should say girdle, by offering me a cheap ring.

When it happened, it was all about dealing with the girdle. I think I wore the girdle to hold up my stockings, but it’s still a bit of a mystery to me. All I remember was some pain and embarrassment, and his parting directive: “Next time, don’t wear that contraption.”

A few days later, I realized he had given me crabs.

Posted in Words | Tagged , | 8 Comments

Look Sexy, But Say No

Thanks to the diligence of Palingates, I’m now aware of The Candie’s Foundation, the organization that hired Bristol Palin as a poster girl for teenage abstinence.

If there’s not enough hypocrisy in Bristol Palin telling teenagers not to have sex, The Candie’s Foundation is the work of Candie’s CEO Neil Cole, who wants to cover all bases. While his company flogs trampy high heels to young girls, his foundation reminds them via tight tank-tops ($15) to “BE SEXY: It doesn’t mean you have to have sex.”

Hahaha! Is everybody crazy now?!? Is there a way to apply the fox in the hen-house to this situation? If not, can any sane parent condone these idiotic t-shirts for their poor jail-bait daughter?

Bristol, the jig is up! You got knocked up! Go home and take care of that sedated baby of yours.

Neil, you stupid whoremongering Capitalist Pig, just sell your crappy shoes and drool over teenage poontang with that fucker from American Apparel, without bothering the rest of us.

Teenage Girls, stop giving blowjobs beind the cafeteria unless HE DOES YOU FIRST.

I am really, really mad.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Rants | Tagged , , | 15 Comments

Vulgar Ode to the Green Jacket

When this green jacket was delivered, I was afraid to open the package. But like so many things that are scary at first, it was fucking fabulous.

This is the most beautiful garment you can imagine. Softest lambskin, velvety soft suede collar thingy, the hardware is so sleek and well-designed that it just snaps into place, and god bless Mary, there’s a tiny inner pocket tipped in silver leather.

My husband liked it, too! When I informed him, “If it had a dick, I would blow it!” he did wince a little. He thought I was vulgar, and I’m ashamed of myself, almost. Should I have said “cock?”

The poor man has married a vulgarian, and he deserves so much better. He’s the best husband! I would never cheat on him with this jacket.   But don’t think I won’t be giving it a sneaky feel now and then.

P.S. Notice how I didn’t use the words “smitten,” “epic” “insane” or “sick.” This is why I rule.

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 25 Comments