Wednesday Night Cuntfest

I subscribe to a newsletter that tells me what’s going on in L.A. Yesterday, it included a plea from a shop in Santa Monica that is struggling to stay in business. They are “reaching out” and asking for support.

BUT!   Since I’m a cunt, I elected to write a comment on this post, relating my terrible experience in the shop. This happened a couple of years ago, but the bitter aftertaste is still there.

I wandered into the shop and saw that they carried shit by Yohji Yamamoto. A salesperson approached me when she saw me looking at a brown leather jacket. She proceeded to do everything in her power to make me buy the jacket. She started by expounding on how great it was, and ended up by saying it was now 30% off, but just for today only. She looked like she would gladly strangle me if it would close the sale.

I turned my attention to a pair of Y3 shoes nearby. I asked her if she had the silver ones. She looked irritated. I told her I’d seen them online but they were out of my size on the website. She sneered slightly and delivered the immortal line:

“You obviously know nothing about Yohji, or you’d know that he only makes one pair of shoes in each size.”

Then, she turned and walked away, a veritable midget in her shortness and wearing a ridiculous beret to make matter worse. I stood frozen in disbelief, looking around for a hidden camera. Or a manager. But after a moment, I put the shoe down and left, thinking What a Fucking Cunt !

I hatched a plan with a friend to rent an Asian guy to accompany me to the store, posing as Yohji Yamamoto. It would be like that scene in Annie Hall, where Woody Allen suddenly produces Marshall McLuhan to silence some idiot. Like McLuhan, Yohji would approach that cunt and say, “You know nothing of my work!”

Ah, how we laughed.

There are two morals here:

1. You must strive to make art out of life’s slings and arrows.
2. Don’t be a cunt if you work in retail.

Posted in Fashion, revenge, Words | Tagged , , | 13 Comments

Living With Your Face

When I saw this picture today, I was transfixed.   When I saw Connie Culp on the news tonight, I was stunned.   As “the nation’s first face transplant recipient,” here’s what she said:

Don’t judge people who don’t look the same as you do. Because you never know. One day it might be all taken away.

After smirking at photos of celebrity plastic surgery, I have to take stock of myself.

Imagine going through life without your face to depend on. Your face is everything! It’s the thing that stares back at you in the mirror, the thing you present to other people to communicate with them, to charm them, to placate them, to seduce them, to project who you are or who you’re pretending to be.

Without your face, you have to give up all that. You have to rely on your actual Self. You have to have inner resources that I can’t even imagine.   You have to have courage.   Connie Culp was shot in the face and lived through it. She has lived through the experience of being called a monster by kids who were frightened by her face.

And now she has appeared at a press conference, in order to help persuade potential donors that face transplants matter.

If only we could always remember how lucky we are, instead of thinking about our skin problems!

Schopenhauer’s advice for dealing with the problem of existence is to rely upon art, compassion and resignation.   I think that gratitude is a good idea, too, even if it sounds like preachy 12 step crap.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Religion | Tagged , , | 18 Comments

Madonna Brings It

YES. She nailed it.

Posted in Celebrities, Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , | 21 Comments

I Want to Live in a World Without Ashton Kutcher

“…the creation of Twitter… is as significant and paradigm-shifting as the invention of Morse code, the telephone, radio, television or the personal computer.”

Oh god, if he would only shut up. How does Demi stand it?

“For someone like me who lives in a construct of filtered communication – packaged and polished by the industry that employs me – Twitter has become a new instrument for expressing myself and accessing cultural trends, opinions and information. Twitter is my front door to the Internet and my medium for sharing the content I create while advocating for the causes close to my heart and investing in the connections I want to have with people from all walks of life.”

Yeah, yeah, tell it to the judge. Even though I don’t read his missives or see his TV shows, the fact of his existence is like a dental drill in my cerebral cortex.

What would you like to say to Ashton Kutcher in 140 characters or less?

Posted in Celebrities, Horrible Stuff, Words | Tagged , | 18 Comments

Shopping: The Relapse

Having admitted that I am addicted to shopping, I vowed to stop.   Nevertheless, I bought this jacket.

Can anyone explain why I need it?

Complete this sentence:   “I’m glad I bought this jacket because now ____________”

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , | 15 Comments

Guess What the Rodarte Sisters Gave Me!

Nah, just kidding.

They don’t know me and I don’t know them. I have never looked at the Satorialist or any other blog that shows people on the street. I don’t want to know about Twitter. But I do spend time looking at blogs, and writing this one.

I would like to pose a question to everyone who is reading this:

What do you want a blog to deliver?

I asked myself this question, more broadly: What am I seeking on the Internet?

I want to be distracted, informed, entertained, amused, enraged, or inspired. I guess I want that all the time, online or off. But looking at what someone wore today, or what they plan to wear tomorrow, is not working for me. I really don’t give a shit, just like no one should give a shit about what I’m wearing.

I love fashion but I don’t love to see people posing in their clothes. Call me crazy. I wish I could find more blogs that fascinate or stimulate some brain activity. I want some wit, some ideas, some raw emotion, some aggression (not aimed at me though, Russian Lady!) I want to see shoes, but not if I have to hear how Smitten you are by them!

Meanwhile, I love nothing more than to engage in conversation with my readers, friends and enemies.

What draws you here, and to other blogs?

Posted in Words | Tagged , | 26 Comments

Paris Hilton Designs for Kids

When I saw this picture today, I swear to god my first thought was “Where did Paris Hilton find that horrible midget?”

I’m so embarrassed.

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , | 20 Comments

Kelly Bensimon, a Gift From God

Once again, I’m the last one to find out about something that the whole world already knows.   When it comes to hating Kelly Bensimon though, better late than never!

What a fucking horrible woman!   When you’re watching Kelly Bensimon, she is the worst person who ever lived.   She is beyond anything that words can express.   She is the fucking Holy Grail for haters!   Why wasn’t I notified?!?!?

My husband was kind enough to discover the Real Housewives show for me, and I’ve only seen three episodes. But this Kelly Bensimon person is such a monster that I feel like my whole life has been leading up to finding her! Everything she says and does is like medieval torture. Watching her is worse than being waterboarded! Why didn’t the Bush administration JUST USE KELLY BENSIMON?!

Here is how she ended an interview with Bazaar magazine, when asked who she would be if she could be anyone else for a day:

“I would be me. Every single day. With criticism, without criticism. Just to be me. Because what’s so bad about that?”

May I be allowed to tell Kelly what’s so bad?   Okay, good.

Kelly, here’s what’s bad: You’re stupid as a plank of wood, you’re full of shit, you’re rude and condescending, you named your kid “Sea,” you think you’re a prom queen even though you’re pushing forty, you’re a ridiculous snob, and you play stupid head trips with everyone. AND you’re selling some ugly owl necklace that you ripped off from somewhere.

If you haven’t seen this woman, you’re in for a very special treat. I have never wanted to punch someone in the face so fervently.

Posted in Celebrities, Horrible Stuff, Rants | Tagged , , | 26 Comments

The Military Bootie

Hahaha!   $950 at Bergdorf Goodman.

But why stop there?

This insanely chic leather Crusader Helmet is only $80.   Or imagine the envious looks you’ll get by rocking this Greek Spartan Helmet?

It’s on sale for $199.

Admit that you’re smitten. This shit is epic.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 6 Comments

The Meaning of Susan Boyle, Part 2

So Susan Boyle has not only groomed her eyebrows, but get this: SHE BOUGHT A NEW LIPSTICK!

I’m trying not to read any more stories or opinions about Susan Boyle, but I slipped up today. The Daily Mail is making a big deal about the lipstick, but I didn’t sense any criticism.   Other recent reports have seemed deeply resentful of Susan’s steps toward a mainstream look.

How dare she become self-conscious all of a sudden?!   We’ve been baited and switched! We were promised a geeky old spinster, like Bette Davis in “Now Voyager,” but instead we’ve got a woman wearing lipstick who looks ALMOST NORMAL! I think this is the essence of what is supposed to be The Susan Boyle Backlash.

Here is the unearthed tape of Susan Boyle auditioning for a TV show 15 years ago. This may add to the backlash, because it proves that she didn’t just crawl out of a hole at 48 and decide to sing. She’s always wanted to sing, and has made several attempts to have a career at it.   In this audition, she manages to play along as some fucking cunt  clowns around, apparently ridiculing her performance.

I haven’t stopped loving her, and I’m happy if she’s happy with her new look. What I see in her also is a person who has been to some degree “off” her whole life: Slightly weird, slightly different. It’s obvious, right? Maybe she’s even a bit autistic. I know she left school early because of “learning difficulties.” It’s a quality that I’m always drawn to.

I hope she has enough support to cope with the attention, judgements, and the inevitable fall from grace when the public and the media grow tired of her and move on.

Posted in Art, News | Tagged , , | 16 Comments