Pre-Oscar Complaints

Posted on February 21, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I’m looking forward to wasting my evening tomorrow, watching the Academy Awards. All I ask is that Mickey Rourke doesn’t win.

But first, let me review The Changeling for anyone who missed it. Not surprisingly, it’s all about Angelina Jolie’s lips. I’m not joking here; the Lips should get an award, but not Angelina, whose acting is painfully bad throughout.

But the Lips! Jesus! They fill the entire shot whenever Angelina appears. Coated in an eerily fluorescent deep red lipstick, they are like a pair of giant blow fish. They look like they have eaten most of her face. In fact, perhaps the Lips are some kind of parasite and her face is the host.

Angelina looks frail and exhausted from hoisting those Lips around from scene to scene, but she gamely tries to act worried and/or miserable by flapping her bony hands.

The movie is congealed in period set decoration, with its escalating melodrama almost secondary to the 20’s era flotsam and jetsam. The story is much darker than I expected, so let this be a warning for anyone sensitive to images of serial killers chasing after little boys with an axe. In the end, the Lips look happy, after all they’ve been through.

Now, as for Mickey Rourke, I haven’t seen The Wrestler but seeing Mickey Rourke win his Golden Globe was more than enough for me. His comeback and his douchey Pimp outfits are way too over-the-top, and it’s making me sick. I can’t remember why we’re supposed to feel sorry for Mickey Rourke! Is it because his acting career flamed out, or because he screwed his face up?   Does anyone remember when he was arrested for beating up his girlfriend?

Just make him go away. His whole stupid Bruised Macho shtick is already old now and it’s time for him to move on. And don’t get me started on that Darren Aronofsky! Ugh! What a fucking cunt  !   His Movie Requiem for a Dream was a fucking crime against humanity.

Okay, so enjoy the Awards show or just wait for my Awards Show Exegesis on Monday.

Posted in Celebrities, Rants | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

Shoes to Kill For

Posted on February 21, 2009 by Sister Wolf

“The ‘Dovima,’ an 11cm, spike-heeled confection of gilded silk mesh and jewels, is embellished with a pair of rose pink-dyed, taxidermy birds with gold and crystal heads.” Sound good so far? How about this: They incorporate   “semi-precious stones, jet, satin ribbons, silk chiffon, diamanté and crocodile skin fashioned into dainty rosettes.”

These shoes by Bruno Frisoni for Roger Vivier are hand made and cost $43,000. A little pricey but wait! The shoes “can be inserted into and buckled onto matching crocodile or snakeskin protective ‘platforms,’ based on the ‘pattens’ of the Middle Ages. They add height and save the expensive, fragile works-of-art for the feet from actually making contact with the pavement.”

Fuck!

Now that I’ve seen these shoes, nothing else will ever be good enough. It’s the fucking birds that get me.

Around 30 years ago, I was out with my sister, waiting for a table at our neighborhood cafe. A tall man in front of us was wearing white shoes that he’d obviously spray painted. On each toe cap was affixed a little doll head. My sister and I exchanged a look, and I said to the guy, “Nice shoes.” He smiled graciously and said, “I call them ‘Babies in the Snow.”

I’ve never forgotton about Babies in the Snow. I think I’ll call the Dovima “Dead Birds With Bling.”

Posted in Art, Fashion | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Peanuts, Penis, Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off!

Posted on February 20, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Posted in Words | Tagged , | 9 Comments

Travis the Chimp: R.I.P.

Posted on February 17, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Whenever chimps go on a rampage, nobody wins. Poor Travis the Chimp was shot to death by a policeman after attacking a friend of his lifelong owner. But that’s not the whole story.

Earlier in the day, Travis annoyed his owner by grabbing her car-keys and trying to drive her car. She tried sedating him with Xanax but he wouldn’t calm down. She called a friend to come over and help. When the friend arrived, Travis went nuts, biting her in the face and hands. The owner was so distressed that she stabbed Travis with a kitchen knife, but that didn’t stop him, so she called 911.

When the cop arrived, Travis went out to the police car and tried to open the door. He loved policemen, apparently. The cop shot Travis several times. Travis fled and managed to retreat to his cage, where he died.

I don’t know who is to blame for any of this shit, but it wasn’t Travis.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged | 26 Comments

The Statement Shoe

Posted on February 17, 2009 by Sister Wolf

A few days ago, I received an e-mail advisory from Neiman Marcus, revealing that the must-have purchase for the new season is The Statement Shoe.

I believe I have found The Statement Shoe! It’s a fake-vintage red sneaker by Golden Goose, selling for $420. Its statement is “Screw The Economy!” Or maybe “Look, I’m an Idiot!”

Stylebop.com is nice enough to plan out a whole look for this Statement Shoe.

All together, this look will set you back $2,070, which I think is more than fair. If you’re willing to pay 400 bucks for some pre-battered sneakers, what the hell! You might as well spend ten or twenty thousand on the clothes to wear with it.

If I wasn’t so lazy, I could get out my red Converse lowtops from under the bed and wear them with some denim shorts, a nothing cardigan, a lame t-shirt and some necklaces….and then I’d look just as pathetic, for free.

Last month, some fashion magazine had the nerve to suggest: “Shop Your Own Closet!” As if I want any of the crap in my closet.   I hate to admit it, but now I see their point. I’ve just saved $2,070!

Maybe tomorrow I’ll go check out my closet and buy one of those leather jackets in there, if I can get a good deal.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 13 Comments

What a Fucking Cunt™

Posted on February 15, 2009 by Sister Wolf

As you all know, Rachel Zoe is claiming to have trademarked the words “I die” and “bananas,” in order to stop some t-shirt designer from making money off her. It’s okay with me, since I usually use the word banana as a singular noun. And I like to say “why can’t I just die?” rather than Rachel’s two word exclamation.

However, I’d like to announce that from now on, the expression What a Fucking Cunt  is my trademark and may only be used accordingly. Just last night, I used the expression to describe Nick Harcourt, a guy who is probably not on your radar but is still a cunt nonetheless.

Did anyone get a little creeped out by my use of the word “radar” just now? I know it bothered me but I used it anyway. I am extremely sensitive to words and word usage, and luckily there is a German word for this trait, sprachgefühl. It’s one of my favorite words, like neurasthenia.

Lately, I’ve been annoyed by the word “epic” used to describe fashion, as in “Oh, that sweater is epic!” Ugh, is my first and second reaction. I want to hear “epic” in conjunction with “Gone with the Wind” or “Moby Dick,” not a fucking sweater. It’s making me sick just thinking about an epic sweater. Make it stop!

Recently, my articulate and argumentative Nephew Wolf agreed with me that the word “grow” is annoying in its current usage as a transitive verb to describe business or government, like “We need to grow this economy.” It just sounds fucked up, doesn’t it?   I was happy to find a usage guide that agreed with me.

Have any words been bothering you lately? How are you feeling about “recessionista” for example?

Posted in Rants, Words | Tagged , | 33 Comments

PJ Party: Feel the Love

Posted on February 13, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Today is my tribute to all the People Who Blog in Pajamas and Live in Their Parents’ Basement (at least metaphorically).

I love you all. My dog Pico wanted to show his love as well.

After reading about middle-aged women who go online to look for their old boyfriends, I was more grateful than ever to have found my true love.

He is the best husband in the world, and we plan to die in each other’s arms. Preferably not any time soon, though. I’m still looking for the perfect black jeans.

If you’re wearing PJs while you’re reading this, you rule. Have a look at three hunky men who blog in sexy bedtime attire:

That’s right, ladies. Fan yourselves!

And for you men (or lesbians, of course!) check out the babes.

UPDATE: And here is annemarie, by popular demand, looking a bit frumpy.

Posted in Art | Tagged , , , | 23 Comments

Dear Fishface

Posted on February 11, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Dear Fishface*,

Why?! Once upon a time, you had a normal face, a face that wouldn’t cause nightmares or thoughts of ‘Finding Nemo.’ Apparently, that wasn’t good enough for you.

Haven’t you seen what happened to Meg Ryan and Melanie Griffith? What about Courtney Love and Lisa Rinna? If you squirt fillers into your lips, you just look deformed. I’m pretty sure you didn’t ask some doctor to deliberately fuck up your face…although you seem a little unhinged, so maybe you did. In any case, you’re a total mess.

I hope your face will serve as a warning to women all over the world. I know it has made me rethink the idea of ‘cosmetic procedures.’ It’s much better to let your face get ruined by time, instead of paying someone to ruin it.

The tiny little nose was also a mistake, but still not as scary and horrifying as the lips. Where did you get the money to waste on this shit?!? Oh. never mind, you’ll only lie about it.

Listen, Fishface: I know everyone’s mad at you about the babies, but they wouldn’t be nearly as mad if you looked normal. I think you should consider your duckbill a public relations disaster as well as an aesthetic one. Personally, I wish I had never laid eyes on you. The only thing that has brought me comfort is this before and after look at Jessica Biel.

* thanks, Juri

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

Not Every Wolf is Bad

Posted on February 11, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Just because I’m mad a lot of the time, it’s easy to mistake me for a Bad person.   In actual fact, I’m full of love, when I’m not full of hate!

I love this green fluffy thing. I’d love to be the girl wearing it, too.

I also love this blue fluffy thing, which you can get for me here.

I love this pink ensemble by Givenchy, which would look just as good on a girl.

And I truly love my cyber-friends (including Iheartfashion, who is doing fine but needs to focus on other things for a while.)   Don’t forget our Pajama Party this Friday! Here is your official Party Seal.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

Shepard Fairey is a Fucking Punk

Posted on February 9, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I am SO HAPPY to add my voice to the din of Shepard Fairey haters, since I have hated him from the word Obey. Obey yourself, motherfucker, I always think when I see his stupid Obey products, which now include every possible type of garment and accessory for idiots who like his ‘brand.’

Shepard Fairey designed the Obama poster that is now going to the Smithsonian, but he copied it from a photo taken by AP photographer Manny Garcia (see photo, above left.) The AP is suing Fairey for copyright infringement, and now Fairey is counter-suing the AP, claiming that their lawsuit takes a position that is “a suppression of an artist’s freedom of expression.”

All of Mr. Fairey’s work thus far is copied from something else, which some call plagiarism. Some disagree.   What is hard to argue with is the statement of James Danziger, whose gallery is selling limited prints of Garcia’s photo, signed by Mr. Garcia: “There’s an implication that defining yourself as an ‘artist’ as opposed to a ‘photographer’ makes you more important and gives you a special privilege. It also implies that a straightforward photograph is of lesser significance or value than a painting or conceptual work of art.”

For me, the moral of this story is, Don’t Obey Anyone, least of all punkass phonies who pretend to be guerrilla artists.

Posted in Art | Tagged , , | 23 Comments