Blogger Pajama Party!

Posted on January 23, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Yesterday, my friend Suebob notified me that a meme was spreading throughout bloggerdom, called “Grace in 5 things.” She told me to google it. The idea is that everybody post a daily list of five things they are grateful for. For a year.

Let me just say, I am plenty grateful for not being a midget and many many other blessings. But five things a day is just too much. Plus, I really don’t want to know what five things anyone is grateful for, every single day.

But people like to jump aboard whatever bandwagon comes their way, I guess. So therefore I am proposing something much easier and more fun: the Blogger Pajama Party.

In a tribute to Mrs. Palin, we should all set aside one day to blog in our pj’s, and to post photos. Above, you can see my nice warm pj’s that I acquired from my friend Jane. Thank you, Jane! They were a present for my son, in the wrong size. On the day of the Party, I’ll wear my Other pair of Pj’s, with little tattoo thingies on them.

Okay, so, are we on for the Blogger Pajama Party? How about Feb. 13, because it falls on a Friday, so it’s bound to be lucky.

I am looking forward to seeing David Duff in his Long Johns. Maybe Juri will wear a negligee if he doesn’t have pj’s.

Remember: Any blogger worth a damn is wearing pajamas, if not actually living in his or her parents’ basement!

Let me know if you’re in, and pass it on.

Posted in News | Tagged , , | 28 Comments

Enough With the Boyfriend Jeans

Posted on January 20, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Has everyone had it with the fucking “boyfriend jeans” yet?

The whole thing bothers me. The jeans themselves, the sudden ubiquity of them, the Katie Holmes connection, and the name for them. What if you don’t have a boyfriend? What if you’re a lesbian?

The Younger Wolf has produced this beautiful pair of “Teenage Son Jeans,” that I hereby offer for sale at the special Tanking Economy price of only $200. But if you act now, you can get them for $100, plus shipping and handling. (He is officially through with them, in case you’re thinking that I’d sell his shit online without asking.)

Now to complicate things further, we have the “boyfriend jeans” for your boyfriend, thanks to Current-Elliot, who seem to have started this unfortunate scourge trend.

Shouldn’t they be called the “girlfriend jeans” when guys wear them?

Whatever. I just want them to hurry up and go away.

Posted in Fashion, Rants | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

Pastor Schmastor:Leave God Out of Government!

Posted on January 19, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Sometimes I can’t believe what an idiot I am!

Here I’ve been getting madder and madder about Obama’s decision to leave Rev. Gene Robinson’s opening prayer out of HBO’s coverage of the events at the Lincoln Memorial yesterday.

The Presidential Inauguration Committee and HBO took turns blaming each other at first. And everybody is SO SORRY as usual. Fuckers. First they invite big fat homophobe Rick Warren, then they throw us a crumb with the openly gay Gene Robinson, then they take away the crumb!

But wait. While reading the responses at AfterElton, the dim bulb that is my brain suddenly lit up. To quote one of the commentors:

“As an American, I can’t tell you how much it pisses me off that ANY  pastor is participating in an official government event. Regardless of whether the pastor is pro-gay or anti-gay, the Consitution specifically states that not only should the government NOT take preference to any religion (the first amendment), but that no religious test is required for an official (Article VI, Section 3). Having somebody spouting platitudes about god before the president takes the oath of office (his hand  should be on a copy of the Constitution, not a Bible) is deeply offensive to me as an American.”

Too fucking right! Thanks ‘Joseph’, whoever you are, for reminding me. xo

Posted in News, Rants, Religion | Tagged , , , , | 19 Comments

More About Hoarding

Posted on January 19, 2009 by Sister Wolf

While trying to find a research study I once read about hoarding and gender, I came upon a great documentary called “Possessed.”

The film maker, Martin Hampton, lets four hoarders talk about their behavior and how it has affected their lives. It is 21 minutes long and well worth your time if you’ve ever wondered why you have so much crap, or why you continue to buy things you don’t need.

Even if you can’t relate to hoarding, you will still be fascinated and moved by the plight of Mr. Hampton’s subjects. They are in different stages of both awareness and desperation, but all four are so straightforward and sincere that you can’t help but feel for them.

Is hoarding a metaphor or a mental illness?   Do our possessions provide solace or do they weigh us down?

I was going to count my t-shirts to add a personal note here but I can’t bear the thought of it right now. Let’s just say I have a lot of them. Inside my thin self is a fat circus lady trying to get out, and inside my t-shirt collecting is a hoarder of empty toilet rolls and plastic bags.

Know what I mean?

Posted in Art, Disorders | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

I’m Sorry, I Hate Her

Posted on January 16, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I’ve just discovered a fashion blogger that everyone else already knows about, thanks to a newsletter from Refinery 29.

I hated her at Hello. I feel this is a huge faux pas on my part, and yet, there it is. My Hatred Endures, and it never runs out.

The interview with her is harmless, objectively speaking. She is asked questions about her style, and gives answers. She is asked to name 5 pieces that define her daily style. Piece number 2 cinched the deal for me.

“This ridiculously threadbare tie-dyed vintage Grateful Dead shirt. There’s a huge hole in the middle of it that’s literally held together by two stitches, it’s hilarious.”

God. It’s like a knife in my heart. The “ridiculously” hurt, and “it’s hilarious” was agony. I had trouble reading the rest of it. I was too tense to really take it in, but I did flinch at “iconic.”

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I give this girl some slack? She’s probably only 20 years old and who is she hurting (besides me?) It just struck me as the epitome of something that has bugged me from the first time I came upon a fashion blog. It’s kind of a narcissism crossed with a complete lack of inhibition about seeming shallow.

I have posted plenty of photos of myself, so I am hardly blameless. But the idea of dressing up and describing every piece of clothing as though it merited documentation is just horrible on some level. Who the fuck cares where your shoes came from, know what I’m saying? And yet, when I went to the girl’s blog, just to give her a chance to change my mind, a thingy on the page said there were 90 viewers online.

Fashion Girl, you are more than welcome to hate me back. I’m old and mean, for starters. You can just take it from there. It’s not fair for me to pick on you, but maybe it will make you a tiny bit more famous and beloved for all I know. While you’re busy laughing hysterically at your torn t-shirt, I’m sitting here disgustedly in my ill-fitting black Nudie jeans that I got from Tobi.com, with a roll of flab that I got from Having Two Kids.

Fashion has been an obsession for me since I was around 12, and even now I can talk about it forever with my friends who are similarly addicted to it. Yet I’m wondering if there’s a saturation point beyond which the whole subject is just pathetic and awful. OR, maybe I just need to stick to magazines and shopping sites. OR maybe it’s the grim economic news that’s making fashion seem so petty and irrelevant.

Or maybe I just can’t stand this particular girl. Comments or insults, anyone?

Posted in Fashion, Rants, Words | Tagged , | 59 Comments

Love, Boobs and Antidepressants

Posted on January 15, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I have been reading about neurochemistry and the effect of serotonin on relationships, and some new studies suggest that antidepressants are not the free lunch some of us were hoping for.

Not only do the SSRI drugs dampen the libido, they can fuck up your relationships. They can even inhibit the neurochemical activities that are involved in romantic love.

This is a little alarming. Many of my friends and enemies are on one or more antidepressants, and we are all authorities on which ones are energizing (Welbutrin) or sedating (Remeron). We know which ones are too constipating (Cymbalta) and which ones have the worst withdrawal symptoms (Effexor.)

Most of us are less interested in sex than we used to be, but many of us are lucky enough to have partners who will rise to the challenge. They know that if we stopped taking our meds, we’d be impossible to live with, so our increased sex drive would be a moot point.

While reading about the biochemistry of love and attraction, though, I was happy to see my own theory of female sexuality confirmed: It’s all about oxytocin.

As long as we’re secreting oxytocin (which is stimulated by breastfeeding and orgasm) we are driven to connect and nurture. Oxytocin leads us to form bonds, basically. Any woman who has nursed a baby can tell you this. Oxytocin equals bliss. When male voles are given a shot of oxytocin, they want to be clingy and monogamous. When autistic people are given oxytocin via a nasal spray, they are better able to make eye contact. It even increases trust and empathy.

Here is the important part, men: If you pay more attention to our boobs, this will make us love you more, and continue to love you without straying. It will make everything better. When you come home from work, don’t complain about the traffic and how much you hate your job. Instead, play with your partner’s boobs!

Back to the SSRI problems, I don’t know what the long-term effect on our society will be if no one wants sex and people stop falling in love. Maybe we’ll adapt somehow, or maybe we’ll decide it’s better to be depressed because we hate ourselves than be resilient but sexually numb.

In any case, let’s all make sure that everyone’s boobs are properly attended to, and that everyone keeps taking their meds until reality is more tolerable in larger doses.

Posted in Disorders, News | Tagged , , | 21 Comments

Don’t Give Blake the Money, No No No!

Posted on January 14, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Finally! For all of us who’ve been praying for Amy Winehouse to unload Blake Incarcerated, our prayers have been answered. Thank you, Lord, for saving our Amy from that rotten little scumbag, who now wants a divorce and half of her money.

I didn’t even know that Blake Incarcerated was back in jail after failing his drug test in December! What a horrible horrible shit that guy is. At least Pete Doherty is a musician, for Christ sake.

I blame Blake for everything. Poor Amy was under his spell, but now she’s learned that a nice clean hunky athlete is the way to go. According to the Daily Mail, which makes up its celebrity quotes, Amy even told a ‘reporter’ that Blake was “rubbish” in bed, “adding ‘Almost every time I slept with him it was like I was dead’.”

If only Blake could read, he’d be furious!!!

Now Amy can make another record, and her label can stop emailing me about all the extra special versions of Back to Black I can buy.

I love you, Amy! Don’t worry about that tattoo on your chest, you can have it removed. Keep up the eating and stay strong. As each day passes, you’re closer to realizing what self-esteem is.

And whatever happens, do NOT give that idiot your money, unless he promises to leave the planet and never come back.

*And also too, speaking of music, treat yourself to the genius of the Firstborn Wolf, whose song Omelette will make your day, or your money back!

Posted in Art, News | Tagged , , | 19 Comments

Golden Globes 2009 Exegesis

Posted on January 12, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Since some people have actual lives, I am once again providing a summary of the   Golden Globes Awards, having sat through most of it in a stupor when I wasn’t busy peeing or getting snacks.

It was a pretty dull event, as always, but this year there were three men I wanted to have sex with, a record number! The lucky winners of the Please Can I Have Sex With You awards were: Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, and Sacha Baron Cohen.   And Colin, by please, I mean PLEASE.

On the subject of men, there were a frightening number of soul patches. Bruce Springsteen and Billy Ray Cyrus led the soul patch brigade, but it was all over the place.

Sting was revolting in a long frock coat that emphasized his self-importance. J Lo‘s butt was bigger than ever, dwarfing her miniature husband. Tom Cruise was able to walk alone without clutching his robo-wife, who was probably out in search of more Birkin bags and boyfriend jeans. During the breaks, Tom could be seen schmoozing his way around the room, looking remarkably slim and airbrushed.

Kate Winslet was a goddess. She looked gorgeous but human, and one couldn’t ask for a nicer movie star. When praising her fellow nominees, she forgot Angelina, who gave her a lethal smile that simmered with hatred. Angie looked strangely washed out and waxen. Enough already with the kids, Angie!

Laura Dern seemed like a good person but she looked like a giraffe. Drew Barrymore had a blond make-over and flashed her tongue-stud. Poor Drew, she and her BFF Cameron Diaz are so unlucky in the boyfriend department, they should just marry each other.

Salma Hyak was there with her monumental boobs, barely able to speak English. She made sure to gush over Penelope Cruz, in case there’s anyone left on the planet who doesn’t know how tight they are.

Demi Moore looked stunningly youthful in a white wedding cake dress, but couldn’t resist humiliating her ungainly daughter by telling her not to “slump.” How mean can that bitch be?! Rumor can’t help it if she’s a hunchback, and she was clearly doing her best to look normal.

Mickey Rourke looked bizarre and terrifying in his role as Complete Weirdo. I liked his metal teeth, though, and I assume he said “motherfucker” a few times when he got bleeped during his acceptance speech. Personally, I wouldn’t see his movie for less than $500. But when he thanked his director and Bruce Springsteen, even calling the Boss “brother,” he proved yet again what Hollywood movies are all about: The Love Between Men.   Because nothing – nothing – is more beautiful.

Posted in Celebrities, News | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Who’s a Bigger Cunt?

Posted on January 10, 2009 by Sister Wolf

As you know, Mrs. Palin has reared up her head into our airspace again this week. If that wasn’t enough, Ann Coulter and her Adam’s apple also made their re-entry into the media spotlight.

This got me to wondering, on the long drive back from the mall, which of them is the bigger cunt. It’s not an easy question, obviously. You could just go eeny meeny miney mo, but I think a more scientific method is needed to quantify the cuntishness of these two awful women.   How about rating them in all the germane categories? Using a scale of one to ten, here are my calculations.

  • Malevolence: Coulter 10, Palin 8
  • Deceitfulness: Palin 10, Coulter 7
  • Shamelessness: Coulter 10, Palin 10
  • Grandiosity: Coulter 10, Palin 7
  • Overweening Ambition: Palin 10, Coulter 8
  • Ignorance: Palin 10, Coulter 4
  • Hypocrisy: Palin 10, Coulter 6

There!   It’s close, but I think it’s safe to say that Mrs. Palin is a bigger cunt, at 65 points to Ann Coulter’s 55 points.

Isn’t it good to have statistics to figure out the tough questions? Now, if someone asks you, you’ll know for certain, by a margin of ten points, Sarah Palin is a bigger cunt than Ann Coulter!

Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

Antony: Not Your Man

Posted on January 8, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Tonight I finally saw the documentary “Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man.” Various singers perform songs by Leonard Cohen, who is shown in snippets, talking about his life and his music.

I revere Leonard Cohen, but he managed to annoy me. Rufus Wainwright was pretty good, Nick Cave was forgettable, but a singer called Antony was a mind blower.

What an amazing voice! It has been compared to Nina Simone, but it’s nothing like anything I’ve ever heard. Check out his performance here. (If you can do without the Goth androgyny and awkward body language, just close your eyes.)

Posted in Art | Tagged , | 8 Comments