I Love Myself Too Much!

Posted on August 11, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Those are the exact words I said aloud while laughing at my new blog a minute ago. It wasn’t an evil laugh, but a laugh of pure joy at my own cuntishness. An acquaintance once described me as “vulnerable, with an edge.” I was flattered at the time. Now it might be more accurate to say, “A cunt, with a heart.” How would that be on a gravestone?

Anyway, here is my Tribute Blog. It is dedicated to my very special fan, The Crazy Muffin Woman. I need to figure out how to remove my Sister Wolf photo without having to change my google profile thing. Who can help a Sister out?

The photo of Megan Fox as Mother Theresa is how I like to think of myself. It’s such a ravishing image, isn’t it? It’s the kindness that so reminds me of me.

However, when you’re feeling bad about yourself, and you need a lift, you can feel better just by looking at images like this:

Go ahead, click on them! If god didn’t want you to take comfort in Priscilla and Lisa Marie and Donatella and Woody and Soon Ji, He wouldn’t have created them for us!

Posted in Celebrities, Disorders, Words | Tagged , , | 53 Comments

The Horror of Ed Hardy

Posted on August 9, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Have you ever marveled at the unmitigated grotesque awfulness that is Ed Hardy? This brand and its ugly stepsister, Christian Audigier, are not only repulsive to the eye, but really expensive, too.

I showed the t-shirt above to my teenager, who was speechless for a moment. I think he may have been scared, and with good reason.

This is a brand to fear more than root canal. This shit is everything a normal person wants to avoid projecting to the world: It says “I’m not only stupid, but blind. Just kill me!”

Or maybe it’s saying: “Hey man, I totally rock!” Same thing, really.

What I have learned from reading fashion blogs is that styling is everything. Just take the Ed Hardy t-shirt above, as it’s presented by the super-elegant fashion mecca now known as Electric Couture. It used to be called Electric Ladyland, but Jimi Hendrix probably returned from the dead to get them to change it.

Anyway, who else but the geniuses at Electric Couture would think to style it with a huge fake Chanel necklace and two tons of garish chain belts and Kenneth Jay Lane bangles, plus weird cargo-like bell bottoms?

Here is another look, featuring a Christian Audigier mini-dress and some fabulous, realistic pearls, with enough fake Chanel to make you forget about the shoes. Not!

Ed Hardy is only good for identifying its wearer as an imbecile. If there were any doubt, the Ed Hardy would seal the deal.

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 31 Comments

Just Admit It, Already!

Posted on August 8, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Every night, I am glued to the TV while Nancy Grace sneers and yells into the camera that Casey whatshername is lying about the whereabouts of her two year old daughter Caley.

No shit, Nancy! The mom did it! The frustration with this mom’s failure to just admit it is driving Nancy and me nuts.   Nancy is like a circling shark, and I’m right there behind her. My husband can’t understand why I need to watch this, so I tell him it’s like people who love reading murder mysteries.

But it’s not really. I just want that bitch to admit it so Nancy and I can move on.   I know there are other things happening in the world, bigger stories, momentous events, but I need to get to the end of this grisly road. I need that woman to stop lying.   I’m taking it personally.

On the album “Nothing’s Shocking” by Jane’s Addiction, there is a song called “Ted, Just Admit it.” It’s about Ted Bundy, who didn’t confess until after he was sentenced to death.   On the eve of his execution, Ted Bundy gave an interview in which he blamed pornography for making him a serial killer.   Who knows what this emotionally vacant mom will blame.

I loved that Jane’s Addiction record. To this day, when someone I know is in denial about something, I mutter “Ted, just admit it!”   It never gets me anywhere, though.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

How Old is Old?

Posted on August 6, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Today I read a boring article by Gen X poster boy Douglas Coupland about growing old. He notes that we all have two ages: the age we really are and the age we are in our heads.

Later this month, Sister Wolf will be 55. If you are taken aback, think how I feel.   No one wants to be this age but, ahem, consider the alternative.

Being 55 means nothing much except that it isn’t considered a good thing by men who blabber on and on about women losing their appeal after 30. As if.   I am completely awesome, so I am happy to refute that line of thinking.

I have come to love my cute hospital bed and my beautiful red sheets, but all things must pass and the hospital equipment is being picked up on Friday.   I love cranking up my bed to read and I love knowing I can’t fall out. Oh well. Maybe I will end up buying a hospital bed for two….do they exist?!   I’m excited just thinking about it!

During my recovery, I bought this Mischen silk dress online, because it was drastically reduced and because it has zippers down the entire length of each side. The fact that I won’t ever wear it is hardly worth mentioning.   Bring on the Rapture! And the fucked-up looking hem in the photo isn’t like that in the real dress.

The age I am in my head is around 14.   My oldest son is 32, and people generally think I’m his sister or girlfriend when we hang out together, but they don’t realize that in my head, I’m still a defiant hippie girl, angry and insecure but much cooler than those awful straight people.

How old are the rest of you in your heads?

Posted in Fashion, News | Tagged , , | 56 Comments

Shoes, Not Whores.

Posted on August 5, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Oh help me Jesus, I have posted and deleted another blog about the crazy whore who keeps getting all up in my shit. I know I should just turn the other cheek, but You know I can’t roll like that. I am not the person to fuck with, that’s all.   Please grant me the wisdom to know how to shut her up, and the courage to kick her ass to kingdom come, amen.

Let us think about shoes instead.

These are all from my-wardrobe.com.   The lime satin ones are on sale and they have my size, but eh, I’m just learning to walk again.   What I love about all three is the color.   Each color is a neutral. That’s right, a fucking neutral.   Please don’t argue about it, I am completely drained by that stupid crazy whore.

A neutral color is whatever you say it is. I’ve always thought of red as a neutral, and most of my life I’ve had red shoes or a red bag to prove it.

Shopping at my-wardrobe.com is a lovely experience. Last year I bought a gray leather bomber jacket by Malene Birger. It is soft velvety leather with long zippers at the cuffs. I never wear it but that’s okay because the point of clothes and shoes is to stockpile them.

When the Rapture comes, I’ll have more shoes and clothes than an army of women, and I will be proclaimed the winner of all battles, including the one with you-know-who.

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , | 23 Comments

Lanvin, Weasels, and Romance

Posted on August 4, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Would you wear this weasel fur jacket by Lanvin?   How about if it costs $13,000?   Is Alber Elbaz having a little joke with himself?   How many weasels were involved, do you think?

I’m sure I’m a despicable hypocrite for loving fur, and drawing the line at weasels. But there you go. Fox, yes. Weasel, no.

This Miu Miu jacket is a better buy at $1,800 (pre-order at Matches.com) and it would look nice with my new cane. Let’s not call it a cane, though. It’s a ‘walking stick!’   I don’t think the birds have to die to make marabou jackets.   Actually, the more I look at this jacket, the more I’m convinced that the birds wanted to sacrifice themselves for me and Miu Miu.

When I went googling marabou, I found these slippers.

The wonderful thing about them is the name of the website: Romance-Your-Wife.   It promises Husbands that “no intimate attire will make your wife feel more womanly” than these slippers!

I’m off to investigate the other stuff at Romance Your Wife, just in case my own husband has overlooked anything.

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

It Isn’t Easy Being a Cunt

Posted on August 3, 2008 by Sister Wolf

But someone’s got to do it! I love this picture, sent to me by my associate Dr. Larue, who is nothing if not a bit of a cunt himself.   I cannot overstate his braininess and talent.

Anyway, yes, I am on record as being a cunt, and the use of the word as invective is just water off my back. I have other qualities too of course, but some things just bring out the cunt.

For example, the Bitch Who Got All Up in My Grill upset me because she refused to let me defend myself or fight back on her “blog” after going all Cray-Cray on my ass. And for no reason at all! So, now, I am obliged to be a cunt by posting a photo of her stupid muffins, which she posted and identified as ‘copyrighted.’

Look, Crazy Lady, here are your fucking copyrighted muffins! Bon appetit, Crazy!

On other fronts, I am feeling a little cunt-ish about Olympic swimmer Dara Torres. ( 2blowhards led me to her.) Have you all seen this photo of her? She is 41 and about to compete in the Olympics for the fifth time, a record, I believe. She had a baby two years ago, and has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars to get herself in this shape:

Dara, I want to speak frankly with you. You are a sick woman. You have crossed the line from lean to skeletal. I understand that you are a competitive athlete, but this is not that. You are starving.

If Dara won’t eat, let us all raise a cookie or scoop of ice cream tonight in a prayer for Dara’s recovery!

Posted in Disorders, Rants, Words | Tagged , , | 31 Comments

It’s All Vomit

Posted on August 1, 2008 by Sister Wolf

A review in Slate of the new film Brideshead Revisited refers to its “vomitous stupidity.” This is almost like a recommendation, at least as a rental. How stupid does something have to be to achieve vomitousness?

Then, in an instance of serendipity (and I just read that serendipity has been voted Favorite Word somewhere) I received a newsletter from Vice Magazine with some photos of a Black Metal band called Vomit. Dutifully following the vomit trail, I found a site where I can buy a reissured copy Vomit’s important 2007 CD, “Still Rotting.”

Here is the track list:

01. Armies of Hell
02. Damnation Of Sin
03. Dark Abyss
04. Rotting Flesh
05. Demonoid
06. Tormentor
07. Armies Of Hell
08. Sadistic Mind
09. Rotting Flesh
10. Lord Of Death
11. Lust Of Terror
12. Damnation Of Sin
13. Dark Abyss
14. Demonoid
15. Intro/Bloodshed
16. Sadistic Mind
17. Abr
18. Orgie Of Piss
19. Animal Bizarre
20. Boiling Puke

But when I googled Vomit, I kept getting links to a Peruvian Black Metal band called Anal Vomit. They aren’t supposed to be very good, but their first demo was called “Pregnancy Rotten Masturbator.”

This is why it must be fun to be in a Black Metal band. You get to string along all the words that make your parents mad, plus all the words that make people go “eeow!” You get to have silly names, like “Hellhammer.” If you’re in a notorious Norwegian band called Mayhem, you even get to kill yourself or some other band member.

Back to Brideshead Revisited, I never did like the book, despite being a huge fan of Evelyn Waugh. I thought it was stilted and pretentious, quite different from his scathing comic novels. I guess it was kind of vomitous, now that I think about it.

Since revenge is a dish I enjoy either hot OR cold, here is more proof of my exhibitionism, a photo from two years ago, called “Sister Wolf, Metalhead.”

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Words | Tagged , , | 21 Comments

Pretentious? Mais Oui!

Posted on July 31, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Kilian Hennessy, heir to the Hennessy cognac family, is a perfumer whose fragrances come in swanky black packaging. He looks kind of   faux-decadent, in a good way. I would totally go shopping with him, at the very least. Here is Hint Magazine‘s description of his newest perfume, called “Prelude to Love: Invitation.”

Prelude to Love: Invitation ($225 for 50 ml, $2,500 for a liter barrel) keeps lockstep with its brethren in its ridiculous name and orgiastic theme, but it’s instantly forgivable once we smell the contents. Inspired by a Rimbaud poem, it’s flavored like a leaf-flavored pastille pierced with lemon pepper, an off-limits candy greenness reminiscent of when you start to feel naughty down there. At Bergdorf Goodman.

Hahahaha! Check out his other “quietly lewd” fragrances here.

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Horrible Fashion Jargon

Posted on July 30, 2008 by Sister Wolf


“I’m all about a leopard shoe right now. I’ll wear these high/low style with a worn-out tee and skinnies”

-Maureen, copywriter. ( re Pedro Garcia shoes )

How many things are wrong with this statement from today’s front page at Shopbop, in a feature called Shopbop Obsessions?

This is what’s ruining online fashion for me. I can’t take the jargon. It is killing me. I am almost numb to the use of “rock” as a synonym for “wear.” But not quite. I can’t bear the word “obsessed’’ used as a substitute for I Love. When I read the words “I’m obsessed with this new lipstick by NARS,” I picture some girl who can’t stop thinking about the lipstick, maybe even stalking the lipstick for all I know. Can’t the term “obsession” still keep its meaning?   “Awesome” used to mean something, too. Now, if you see the Northern Lights or the Grand Canyon, you will need to say “The sight was breathtaking.” Awesome is what you say now when someone says “Dinner’s ready.”

I can’t stand the infantilisms either. The Brits do it more for some reason, but the US is catching up. Hoodie, lippie, cardie, booties, and now, apparently, “skinnies.”   Eeoow! Ugh!

Calling shoes “kicks” may be years old but it still feels like a knife in my stomach when I see this word. How about “mixing it up” as a fashion term? Jesus, am I the only one with an oversensitive ear?

Meanwhile, a “fan” has “suggested” that I am an exhibitionist. Okay then! Here’s my favorite photo of 2008, displaying the always popular Sister Wolf Beehive.

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , , | 29 Comments