My New Name

I was thrilled to receive this email today, and considered it a lucky omen of some kind to be called “Lard-Desha.” Isn’t it wonderful? I’m hoping it’s not some derivation of “Lard Ass,” which would confirm my worst fears about my body.

Just today, I tried on some jeans and asked my friend if it gave me a flattering butt. I also grilled the sales assistant on Levis’ new coded jeans. “Slight curve” means a boyish shape, while “Supreme curve” means enormous hips. I think they should make an even “curvier” model and call it Lard-Desha.

What image does Lard-Desha evoke for you? A belly-dancer? A check-out girl at Target wearing huge name-plate earrings? Or this:

Maybe one day Kardashian will become a descriptive word like “gargantuan.”   Or perhaps Kim would like to change her name to Lard-Desha!

Too bad, Kim. Lard-Desha is taken now and I’m not giving it up.

Posted in Celebrities, Words | Tagged , , | 21 Comments

Mitt Romney: What a Fucking Cunt™!

On a campaign stop in Pittsburgh, Mitt Romney sat down at a picnic table with some locals who offered him a plate of cookies. His reaction was to ridicule the cookies, observing prissily that they looked like they came from a 7-11 store.

Can’t this cunt act normal for one goddamned minute?!?

Eat the cookies, motherfucker!

More video and analysis  here.

Posted in Disorders, News, Rants | Tagged , , | 44 Comments

Enough With the Orange

I didn’t need Pantone to tell me their choice for Color of the Year. There has been nothing but orange around for months. You can call it Tangerine Tango or whatever you want, but it’s still orange and we don’t need so much of it.

Try looking for a red t-shirt, for example. A few weeks ago, I went to every store in a big mall, trying to find one. All the sales people led me to something orange, explaining that this was “the new color.”   Each time, I insisted on red, declaring in a bossy voice that “Red is a neutral.” I vowed to boycott orange,  although  I nearly caved to an overpriced t-shirt by  James  Perse that was a deep orange I will call “persimmon.”

I also looked at some jeans called “lipstick” even though they were orange.   Today, my husband took me to a huge Nordstrom which stimulates my endorphins no matter how depressed I am. We recently saw Jermaine Jackson there in the cosmetics department, clearly high on his own endorphins.

Everything was orange! It was an assault. It’s like a military take-over by orange. Even the nice sales assistant, Amanda, agreed that there was an orange “domination” underway.   I tried on some dark blue jeans but to my horror they were not skinny jeans but “skinny legging jeans.” It’s a slippery slope to “jeggings,” I believe.

Here is a dress I bought last year, thinking it was “coral” when in fact it is a salmon pink (and not this hot pink in real life.) As you can see, I am right on trend with lace. You could even say that I started the trend, all by myself. I am thankful that it isn’t actually coral, which is a shade of orange, just like mango, paprika, papaya, or god forbid, Tangerine Tango.

Posted in Fashion, irritants | Tagged , , | 23 Comments

Stuck

I’m thinking of getting a version of this tattoo, just because it makes me smile. I can’t think of anything else to do with myself.

I am almost a vegetable. I stay up all night doing nothing. When I wake up, I do some more nothing. At 3 a.m. I like to watch a TV show called “Morning Joe,” where a loud Republican guy and a nice blonde woman sip coffee and bicker about politics. At this point, I think of them as friends.

I’m reading a book called “Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to a New Life After Losing Someone You love.” I don’t like any of the choices. I’m nearly at the end, at the part where you commit to being a new person with a future you care about.

Easter was difficult. I used to love making baskets for my boys. Max believed in the Easter Bunny for an  unusually  long time. This year, I   forced everyone to listen to my story about driving Max somewhere with his friends, who were impressed with his new Motley Crue   record.   One of them asked where he got it, and he answered: “The Easter Bunny.” No one challenged this. It was such a funny and sweet moment.

When I don’t write, it’s because I can’t stand to think or feel. I can still waste time at Tumblr though. Have a look, if you like. And get back to me about the tattoo.

Posted in Art, grief | Tagged , | 33 Comments

The James Franco Project

In his quest to annoy every living being, James Franco is set to portray Robert Mapplethorpe in an  upcoming  movie project.

He will also play Hugh Hefner and the Wizard of Oz in two movies currently in post-production. But you can’t fully appreciate his work until you’ve see him play Allen Ginsberg in “Howl.” Hearing him intone Ginsberg’s poetry in his thin nasal voice, you can almost detect the rustling sound of the poet spinning in his grave.

I hope to see James Franco play Hitler, Mao Zedong, Golda Meir, Emily Dickingson,  Napoleon, Isadora Duncan, Jack Kerouac, Miles Davis,  Florence  Nightingale, Salvador Dali, Maya Angelou,   Albert Einstein, and of course, The Holy Trinity.

I can even see him playing Patti Smith opposite his Robert Mapplethorpe!

Who would you like to see James Franco take on next?

Posted in Art, Celebrities | Tagged , , | 28 Comments

The Crazy Mothers Club Vl

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff | Tagged | 12 Comments

Feathered Motorcycle Boot

Hahahahahahaha!

“This Brunello Cucinelli boot takes a venerable biker style on a flight of fancy. The ostrich feather flourish, however, easily detaches for versatility.”

Neiman Marcus, $1,435.00

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 20 Comments

Spring Houseboys

Here are the new houseboys for spring. Even if you’ve already done your spring cleaning, there is always more work to be done.

I like a  houseboy  who is sensitive but slightly feral.   Strong enough to move furniture but delicate in his facial features.

A good houseboy is comfortable enough in his masculinity to wear a veil or sarong or even high heels if necessary. It doesn’t hurt if he looks like Jimi Hendrix.

I don’t know all of their names, because names are just a distraction.

Do you see anything you like?

Posted in Houseboys | Tagged , , | 25 Comments

The Teeth Nightmare

I used to have a recurring nightmare about my teeth falling out. I would hold out my hand as I helplessly spit out the teeth. I’ve heard it’s a common dream and it probably means something about something.

Over the weekend, I was able to experience this in waking life.

I spent a huge wad of money on replacing some cracked teeth with crowns. The dentist used some temporary cement and told me to go home and see if I was happy with the crowns.

Friday night, I bit into something chewy and felt a tooth come out. I felt around with my tongue and the lack of tooth felt weird. I ran to the bathroom mirror to see the effect: One missing tooth and it’s instant bag-lady.   The horror is too visceral to describe.

I googled “what if my crown falls out” and read all kinds of misinformation and alarmist warnings. I stuck the crown back in my mouth and went to bed, traumatized.

The dentist said to buy tooth cement from the pharmacy but it was worthless. For the next two days, the crown kept falling out with no warning. Then the other crown fell out. Now I had two blank spaces in my mouth: From bag-lady to crack-whore to full hillbilly.

Here is what I learned: Leave your teeth alone! Dont try to fix them if it means getting a crown. Wait until someone hits you in the mouth with a baseball bat. HANG ON TO YOUR REAL TEETH!

Now the crowns have been cemented in, “permanently.”   I don’t know if I’ll ever trust them.

Try taking a photo of your smiling face and black out a tooth, like I did above.   It may remind you to floss.

Posted in Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 31 Comments

Billy Goat

“Don’t deny it, you’re kinda obsessed with this right?? I mean it’s pretty amazing. Real goat hair upper on a gorgeous wood heel takes serious fashion cred to pull off.”

Well, they’ve got our number at Solestruck; are they psychic or what? There’s no use denying that we want to pay $229 to look like a crippled goat.   But do we have the cred?

Isn’t there an ogre that hides under the bridge in order to grab the Billy goat? Is the shoe actually an Ogre?

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 24 Comments