Enough With the Orange

I didn’t need Pantone to tell me their choice for Color of the Year. There has been nothing but orange around for months. You can call it Tangerine Tango or whatever you want, but it’s still orange and we don’t need so much of it.

Try looking for a red t-shirt, for example. A few weeks ago, I went to every store in a big mall, trying to find one. All the sales people led me to something orange, explaining that this was “the new color.”   Each time, I insisted on red, declaring in a bossy voice that “Red is a neutral.” I vowed to boycott orange,  although  I nearly caved to an overpriced t-shirt by  James  Perse that was a deep orange I will call “persimmon.”

I also looked at some jeans called “lipstick” even though they were orange.   Today, my husband took me to a huge Nordstrom which stimulates my endorphins no matter how depressed I am. We recently saw Jermaine Jackson there in the cosmetics department, clearly high on his own endorphins.

Everything was orange! It was an assault. It’s like a military take-over by orange. Even the nice sales assistant, Amanda, agreed that there was an orange “domination” underway.   I tried on some dark blue jeans but to my horror they were not skinny jeans but “skinny legging jeans.” It’s a slippery slope to “jeggings,” I believe.

Here is a dress I bought last year, thinking it was “coral” when in fact it is a salmon pink (and not this hot pink in real life.) As you can see, I am right on trend with lace. You could even say that I started the trend, all by myself. I am thankful that it isn’t actually coral, which is a shade of orange, just like mango, paprika, papaya, or god forbid, Tangerine Tango.

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Stuck

I’m thinking of getting a version of this tattoo, just because it makes me smile. I can’t think of anything else to do with myself.

I am almost a vegetable. I stay up all night doing nothing. When I wake up, I do some more nothing. At 3 a.m. I like to watch a TV show called “Morning Joe,” where a loud Republican guy and a nice blonde woman sip coffee and bicker about politics. At this point, I think of them as friends.

I’m reading a book called “Seven Choices: Taking the Steps to a New Life After Losing Someone You love.” I don’t like any of the choices. I’m nearly at the end, at the part where you commit to being a new person with a future you care about.

Easter was difficult. I used to love making baskets for my boys. Max believed in the Easter Bunny for an  unusually  long time. This year, I   forced everyone to listen to my story about driving Max somewhere with his friends, who were impressed with his new Motley Crue   record.   One of them asked where he got it, and he answered: “The Easter Bunny.” No one challenged this. It was such a funny and sweet moment.

When I don’t write, it’s because I can’t stand to think or feel. I can still waste time at Tumblr though. Have a look, if you like. And get back to me about the tattoo.

Posted in Art, grief | Tagged , | 33 Comments

The James Franco Project

In his quest to annoy every living being, James Franco is set to portray Robert Mapplethorpe in an  upcoming  movie project.

He will also play Hugh Hefner and the Wizard of Oz in two movies currently in post-production. But you can’t fully appreciate his work until you’ve see him play Allen Ginsberg in “Howl.” Hearing him intone Ginsberg’s poetry in his thin nasal voice, you can almost detect the rustling sound of the poet spinning in his grave.

I hope to see James Franco play Hitler, Mao Zedong, Golda Meir, Emily Dickingson,  Napoleon, Isadora Duncan, Jack Kerouac, Miles Davis,  Florence  Nightingale, Salvador Dali, Maya Angelou,   Albert Einstein, and of course, The Holy Trinity.

I can even see him playing Patti Smith opposite his Robert Mapplethorpe!

Who would you like to see James Franco take on next?

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The Crazy Mothers Club Vl

Posted in Disorders, Horrible Stuff | Tagged | 12 Comments

Feathered Motorcycle Boot

Hahahahahahaha!

“This Brunello Cucinelli boot takes a venerable biker style on a flight of fancy. The ostrich feather flourish, however, easily detaches for versatility.”

Neiman Marcus, $1,435.00

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 20 Comments

Spring Houseboys

Here are the new houseboys for spring. Even if you’ve already done your spring cleaning, there is always more work to be done.

I like a  houseboy  who is sensitive but slightly feral.   Strong enough to move furniture but delicate in his facial features.

A good houseboy is comfortable enough in his masculinity to wear a veil or sarong or even high heels if necessary. It doesn’t hurt if he looks like Jimi Hendrix.

I don’t know all of their names, because names are just a distraction.

Do you see anything you like?

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The Teeth Nightmare

I used to have a recurring nightmare about my teeth falling out. I would hold out my hand as I helplessly spit out the teeth. I’ve heard it’s a common dream and it probably means something about something.

Over the weekend, I was able to experience this in waking life.

I spent a huge wad of money on replacing some cracked teeth with crowns. The dentist used some temporary cement and told me to go home and see if I was happy with the crowns.

Friday night, I bit into something chewy and felt a tooth come out. I felt around with my tongue and the lack of tooth felt weird. I ran to the bathroom mirror to see the effect: One missing tooth and it’s instant bag-lady.   The horror is too visceral to describe.

I googled “what if my crown falls out” and read all kinds of misinformation and alarmist warnings. I stuck the crown back in my mouth and went to bed, traumatized.

The dentist said to buy tooth cement from the pharmacy but it was worthless. For the next two days, the crown kept falling out with no warning. Then the other crown fell out. Now I had two blank spaces in my mouth: From bag-lady to crack-whore to full hillbilly.

Here is what I learned: Leave your teeth alone! Dont try to fix them if it means getting a crown. Wait until someone hits you in the mouth with a baseball bat. HANG ON TO YOUR REAL TEETH!

Now the crowns have been cemented in, “permanently.”   I don’t know if I’ll ever trust them.

Try taking a photo of your smiling face and black out a tooth, like I did above.   It may remind you to floss.

Posted in Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 31 Comments

Billy Goat

“Don’t deny it, you’re kinda obsessed with this right?? I mean it’s pretty amazing. Real goat hair upper on a gorgeous wood heel takes serious fashion cred to pull off.”

Well, they’ve got our number at Solestruck; are they psychic or what? There’s no use denying that we want to pay $229 to look like a crippled goat.   But do we have the cred?

Isn’t there an ogre that hides under the bridge in order to grab the Billy goat? Is the shoe actually an Ogre?

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

Nosebleed

Why would a bloody nose help to sell Givenchy menswear, one might ask oneself upon seeing the above photo from a fashion editorial. The answer is the same one that explains the popularity of nosebleeds on tumblr.   Just don’t expect me to know it.

I can’t tell you the number of bloody noses I’ve seen on tumblr, along with the bloody lips and bruised knees. Obviously, part of the appeal is simply the transgressive nature of these  images. They’re  icky and/or disturbing, therefore popular with the hipsterati.

But is something else going on? Is it a Vampire thing?   I personally associate nosebleeds with children. Is it a pedophile thing?

To find a bloody nose attractive is to  never  have been a parent. Both of my kids were afflicted with routine nosebleeds, usually accompanied by shouts of “By doze is bleeding! Help!” I never had enough tissue if we were away from home.

Once, my youngest got a nosebleed in a jewelry shop and the blood gushed out over everything. The owner tried to help. Other  people  entered the shop and quickly left,  horrified  by the blood spattered scene. I’ll never forget the immensity of that nose bleed.

Another time, my mom was with me and the concern on her face triggered my own fear that my kid would bleed to death. I think we referred to that one later as The Great Nosebleed of April Something.

When Max was around ten, I asked him what subject he would choose if he could make a short film. He thought for a couple of seconds and said firmly: “A bloody nose.” I remember asking, You mean, the whole thing would be just a nosebleed? He said Yep, with an early hint of the perversity to come.

There is nothing good about a bloody nose. They used to tell you to tilt the head back but now we know this is wrong. You can use ice, you can pack the nose with tissue, you can pinch the bridge of the nose, but it will just keep on bleeding until it’s ready to stop.

But maybe I’m behind the times. Maybe nothing says Givenchy like a bloody nose.

Posted in Art, Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , , | 25 Comments

This is Just Wrong

I don’t know why, but it is. No matter how many other times it’s been done.

Posted in Celebrities | Tagged , | 35 Comments