PAP Smear Membership, and More

Posted on September 5, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Thanks to the creative thinking of reader ‘annemarie’, I hereby announce the formation of PAP Smear, a non-profit organization devoted to Swiftboating the Republican candidate for Vice President. Patriots Against Palin will strategically deploy facts and rumors devised to undermine her candidacy. We will use the public record and our own fevered imaginations to smear her reputation, such as it is.

I will be PAP Smear’s CEO. Just nominate yourselves for the position you are most unfit for (a tribute to Palin herself!) If you’re bad with numbers, you can be the treasurer, and so on. However, we do need someone who is good at graphic design to create our logo.

Please take a moment from your busy lives to sign up! Sister Wolf will review your applications and announce the executive and staff positions on Monday night.

If you’re sick of politics, let’s focus on fashion instead! Just when I thought I’d found a leopard print item I might wear without looking like Peg Bundy or Jackie Collins, it turned out that Zenggi won’t ship to the US. Fuckers!   I still want the dress, from by Malene Birger.

Posted in Fashion, News | Tagged , | 66 Comments

The Plot Thickens.

Posted on September 4, 2008 by Sister Wolf

We’re not allowed to criticize The Church Lady because that would be sexist. We can’t mention the tight black skirt that was meant to reduce grown men to horny teenagers dreaming about Milf’s.

So let’s just think of her as a man with a bouffant hairdo.   Oh no, I can’t mention the hairdo, shit. Sorry!

Let us forget about gender and focus instead on religious practices.   Is it okay if our next Vice-President attends a church where people speak in tongues and await the Rapture? Is it okay if he-or-she gives a speech to the Wasilla Assembly of God, using the speech patterns of a giddy babysitter with learning disabilities?

Please see this video clip of his-or-her speech, given just a few short months ago, and then start planning for the Apocalypse.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion | Tagged , | 19 Comments

Grandpa and The Church Lady

Posted on September 3, 2008 by Sister Wolf

This new reality series will be fun to watch, as long as you have a stiff drink on hand. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll want to smash your TV or whoever happens to be sitting next to you.

Grandpa is one of those crusty old guys with a hair-trigger temper. He’s a lot like Hank’s dad on “King of the Hill.” He usually talks in a soft voice, eerily reminiscent of John Travolta with the whistling “s.”

You can never be mean to Grandpa because he was tortured during the war. Not that war, the other one, where the poor little girl got burned with napalm. Anyway, Grandpa was on a bombing mission and ended up getting tortured. You heard me, HE WAS TORTURED. He was tortured for you, much like Jesus, only Grandpa was even braver.

The Church Lady is a real bully, and she smiles when she’s mad. She looks like a librarian, but in fact she tried to oust a librarian in Wasilla when the librarian refused to ban some books. She had to back down from the librarian, but became known for her vindictiveness. People were scared to incur her wrath. She fired the chief of police when she became mayor,   because she didn’t believe “in her heart” that he “supported her enough.”

This season’s highlight is when The Church Lady is questioned about the birth of her baby with Down Syndrome. Instead of just confirming that of course she is his mother, she shoves her pregnant teenager into the limelight to quash the rumors. THEN, the teenage babydaddy is rushed to town as a prelude to a shotgun wedding.

WARNING, SPOILER AHEAD!

In my favorite episode, The Church Lady brings her family on stage at a huge loud convention and reaches for her baby, turning around so the cameras can get a shot of his little Down Syndrome features. Too bad if he should have been shielded from the deafening noise and bright lights! He is a trophy now, just like the dead bears and wolves she loves to shoot.!

Tomorrow, we’ll try to have some fashion or something less horrible, like almost anything.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 38 Comments

What Color is Hyacinth?

Posted on September 2, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Is it red or sort of orange or pink? As seen on my browser, I’m not quite sure about the color of this fox fur jacket but I do know I love it. I could buy it and strenuously deny that I fell for the fur vest directive, because it’s a jacket! Yay!

While we’re thinking about hard-to-describe color, look at this beautiful coat by Nanette Lepore. I’m calling it “fuschia.”   My-wardrobe.com is calling it “pink.”

I love these items and even though I’d never wear them, I am clinging to the distraction of fashion as the Republican Convention threatens to push me to the breaking point….

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged , , | 14 Comments

More Fun With Kooky Sarah Palin!

Posted on September 1, 2008 by Sister Wolf

I didn’t plan on writing about her again, but wouldn’t you know that the kooky Miss Congeniality has some family secrets that are more fun than a dead moose?

Sarah Palin is rumored to have faked her recent pregnancy with son Trig, whose real mommy may be Palin’s teenage daughter Bristol! I love families who do this. I had a friend whose mom pretended to be the mother when one of her daughters got pregnant. It seemed so soap operatic, so confusing, so demented.

Since Sarah doesn’t like the rumors, she has refuted them by announcing that Bristol is five months pregnant RIGHT NOW! So there! Bristol couldn’t be Trig’s mother!

But wait. Trig was born in April. Bristol could be four months pregnant, so why not say five, just to round up for convenience’ sake!

I fucking love it. Here is a photo of Sarah Palin at seven months pregnant. Do you love it, too?

Posted in News | Tagged , , | 32 Comments

The Fur Vest: Your New Must-Have Item

Posted on August 30, 2008 by Sister Wolf

I don’t want a fur vest, or at least I didn’t want one. But I may not have a choice, if the imperative of being fashionable does its job on my poor vulnerable brain.

Here is what I mean:

From left: Intermix fox fur, Intermix goat hair, Jenni Kayne coyote fur.

If you think you can get out of this by joining PETA, forget it. You can achieve the same look with feathers:

This feather vest is by LaRok at Chick Downtown,   whose mailing list is practically a jail sentence, so constant and bothersome are their updates.

I hope to god I don’t get suckered into this 60s flashback Yeti look, but I’m not promising anything.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 11 Comments

Meet Starving Implant Girl

Posted on August 30, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Remember Starving Girl and Implant Girl from Shopbop?   Well, I’m happy to introduce Starving Implant Girl from Revolve Clothing. I’m on their mailing list, which means I am bound by duty to spend long hours every week, clicking on the new arrivals. It can be exhausting, let me tell you.   So it’s good when they throw me a crumb, like this poor model. She has so little body fat, you can see tendons in her hips.   But the boobs are so natural! (Just kidding!)

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

Beehive in The White House: Yes But No

Posted on August 29, 2008 by Sister Wolf

I have barely come down from the high of Obama’s acceptance speech, only to learn that McCain’s choice for Vice President is a busty chick with a huge beehive who used to smoke pot and doesn’t hate gays. Governor Sarah Palin has the Sexy Librarian look that we’ve all come to appreciate, and she’s certainly a ‘fresh face’ in national politics.

But I’m sorry, a great ‘hive alone isn’t enough to get by on. Just ask Amy.   Sarah Palin is the anti-Amy, and not in a good way. In high school, she was head of her school’s Christian Fellowship of Athletes. She’s a “pro-life” activist who is skeptical about global warming and wants to prevent polar bears from being protected as an endangered species.

She is also a strong proponent for oil drilling in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, which even McCain has opposed. She is under investigation for abuse of power in the firing of her ex-brother-in-law, a state trooper. She fired the Public Safety Commissioner who balked at firing the ex-brother-in-law, and replaced him with an official who had already been reprimanded for sexual harassment.

Sarah Palin is clearly an ambitious and capable woman, but I’d like to see her stay in Alaska and ruin things there, rather than help John McCain ruin what’s left of the whole world.

Earlier this year, She was brave and noble enough to bring a child with Down Syndrome into the world, but here are my problems with that:

1. She named him Trig. (Her other kids are named Bristol, Willow, Piper and Track)
2. She returned to her office 3 days after Trig’s birth.

Are any of you good with this? I’m saying Yes on Trig, but No on His Mom.

Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , | 33 Comments

Am I A Prostitute?

Posted on August 25, 2008 by Sister Wolf

No, but I look like one, posing on the commode wearing my breathtaking birthday necklace from Queen Marie!

This photo says to me, “WWII-Era Italian Prostitute” and yet in reality Sister Wolf is a very contemporary woman with a necklace that spells CUNT. How much do I love this necklace? I think that’s obvious.

I have to go to San Francisco to go turn 55. While I’m Away From My Desk, feel free to leave your birthday wishes and/or insults.

Long Live Our Queen Marie!

Posted in Art, Fashion, Words | Tagged , , | 32 Comments

Good News About Your Butt!

Posted on August 23, 2008 by Sister Wolf

IT ISN’T BIG ENOUGH!

I swear I wasn’t looking for them, but Butt Enhancers have come into my life and I couldn’t feel happier about it. Feel Foxy has the best pictures, but Bubbles has some great items, too. Personally, I am more interested in the Butt Bra than the padded butts. It “holds up the weight of the buttocks.”

I don’t know how your date might feel when you disrobe and your “buttocks” fall to their natural level. I don’t even know if “buttocks” is/are plural, for god sake! And yet, this Butt Bra might be the answer to my prayers!

As luck would have it, I ended up at the glorious website of Shop in Private, where I clicked on “hard to find items.” I was excited to find they had anal bleaching cream, and combination douche/enema bags. However, a click on “Our Strangest Products” produced the Oral Sex Trainer, which exercises and strengthens the tongue.

Whew! I know this is a lot of important information to absorb at once. But the funny thing is, it all started because I clicked on an ad when I was searching the Urban Slang Dictionary for the word “chill,” .

I remember when “chillin'” and “illin'” were new words, and it was fun to use them in conversation. I remember when the suggestion to “chill out!” meant “relax!” Later, you could just say “chill” and drop the “out.” Now, people describe themselves as “chill.” “I’m really a chill person, I don’t party much bla bla” is a common celebrity quote.

My problem is, I think you are a “chilled” person, if you like to chill. Just as you’re a “relaxed” person if you like to relax.

Fuck it. We argued about “chill” all the way home from the mall today. No one will agree with me. This is a microcosm of my whole life.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants, Words | Tagged , | 21 Comments