| And I'm getting madder.

But What Will Prostitutes Wear?

Posted on July 23, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Here is the KEY LOOK for Fall, modeled by Shopbop’s new model, Rumer 2.0, featuring the all important shaggy fur jacket. Yes, this is the very same faux fur immortalized by Sea of Shoes and Her Mom in Vogue magazine! I’ll wait here while you race to order it from Intermix.

Okay, are you back? So, the aim for Fall is to look like a 70’s era hooker. Pretend you’re an extra in Taxi Driver. It’s all about trashy fierceness. Be sure to throw in something sequined, “from super shiny to uber-destroyed.”

Torn, shredded skinnies topped with more torn crap: “As you move into fall you will need to upgrade from your ripped, ravaged and shredded tee to the sweater version of this red hot trend. Kimberly Ovitz creates it here for you in a relatively heavy sweater knit. In black.”

Thanks, Kimberly! $795 at Intermix.

We’re almost done! Once you’ve got the fierce skinnies, studded boots, ripped l——s, military jacket, fake fur and layers of boyfriend t-shirts, PILE ON some twisted up chain necklaces with fun amulets like daggers, skulls, talons, and the kitchen sink. Here’s a good prototype, by Fallon, $145.

Now you’re ready to hit the streets, with or without your pimp. WAIT, did I forget to say leather?!? Sorry. Leather leather leather leather. Biker leather, asymetrical leather, studded leather, moto leather, leather leather.

Posted in Fashion, Rants | Tagged fur, leather, leggings, prostitutes | 10 Comments

Mrs. Palin: Getting Her Back to Shiny

Posted on July 22, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Mrs. Palin’s longtime hair stylist, Jessica Steele, is in deep shit.

After telling the New York Times that Mrs. P’s hair was thinning and needed emergency help, she retracted this bombshell on Twitter, obviously afraid for her life and the safety of her family.

Not wishing to be busted for running a meth lab, Ms. Steele now tells the Boston Globe that the real emergency re Palin’s hair is that it had lost its shine.

“I think [it’s] the combination of traveling and just being down there in the lower 48. We needed to get her back to shiny.’

She reveals that she trimmed Mrs. Palin’s hair and then “kicked up’’ her shampoo and conditioner a notch.

According to Ms. Steele, who will have to retract this ASAP if she knows what’s good for her, Mrs. Palin left the salon with a bottle of shampoo and conditioner by the elitist socialist brand Pureology, at $48 each.

Looking into our Magic PAP-Smear Crystal Ball , I see trouble brewing for everyone concerned in this Hairgate fiasco. Mrs. P will not be able to justify spending that kind of money on hair products to those real Americans who share her real American values and want to progress this great country with its vast energy resources and healthy salmon, etc etc.

She will have to either blame this on her PAC fund or maybe on some blogger just sittin’ home in their stained undershirt [I was described this way be a conservative blog that didn’t like my use of the word “cunt’ for some reason.)

Or Jessica Steele will mysteriously disappear. Run, Jessica Steele, run like the wind!

While we await the next Hairgate development, let us enjoy the fact that Pureology proudly supports Global Green USA, good friends of the Sister Wolf family who operate under the assumption that global warming actually exists and isn’t just a Liberal Media concoction like evolution.

On an even more personal note: Haha Mrs. Palin, I live in one of the lower 48 and my hair is shiny AND thick!

Posted in News, Words | Tagged Global Green USA, hair, meth, Mrs. Palin, PAP Smear | 13 Comments

Quick, Name Your Style!

Posted on July 21, 2009 by Sister Wolf

God, I hate change, and now Shopbop has ignored the maxim “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” I was perfectly happy with the website and its Dysfunctional Family of glaring anorexic models.

Now, they have introduced a handy way to shop by giving you 5 style profiles. And I’m too paralyzed with indecision to go forward. Am I Bohemian, Edgy, Girly, Classic or Casual Chic?

I’m going to rule out Bohemian. I’m pretty sure I hate that look. I’m thinking fringe, beads, caftans, headbands, horrible prints, and stuff they sell at Anthropologie. I even hated that shit when I was a hippie.

Casual chic? As if. Girly? I can’t even walk in heels! Classic? What do they mean by that?? Classic what? Classic Secretary or Classic Hooker? That leaves me with Edgy.

Please god, don’t say I’m Edgy. I know that’s not my category. I don’t have any harem pants or big clompy wedges. I don’t want a bracelet shaped like a chicken claw! Leave me alone, Edgy!

I have already identified my style as Geriatric Tomboy, but they didn’t list it at Shopbop. If you have a style they overlooked, now is the time to define it.

Posted in Fashion, Rants | Tagged Shopbop, style | 19 Comments

Sparkly Nail Polish Advisory

Posted on July 21, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Here is a beautiful 3-pack Nail Lacquer Set called “Celebrate” by the Lippman Collection. I’m wearing Superstar (“show-stopping copper-flecked fudge glitter”). You also get a sheer black with a subtle sparkle, and a Ruby Slipper color called Ruby Red Slippers.

It’s only available at Nordstrom for $35, but if you use your Nordstrom charge card like I did, then it’s free.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged nail polish, Nordstrom | 6 Comments

Tragic Fashion Boy

Posted on July 20, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I have wasted several hours tonight by following links from blog to blog, and here’s the scoop:

There are a ton of blogs that seem dedicated to advancing a style I want to call Clueless Goth. It’s heavy on the black, with lots of chains, studs, torn shit, leather, and the enthusiasts are too young to know it’s all been done before. They will post a photo like the Tragic Fashion Boy above, evoking comments like “fucken sicc.”

Dude, this is so depressing. I don’t know why, it just is. I learned yet again that Chloe Sevigney can do no wrong. Erin Wasson is still popular. Kids who look like they’ve been molested all their lives are featured in pictorials proudly flaunting their tattoos and blabbing about their muses. Lou Doillon is a big deal, even though she looks like a horse.

I don’t want to single out any bloggers in this report, because I can’t work up a good head of hatred for any of them as individuals. They’re more like a social ill or a trend to take note of, from a distance.

After this immersion into the fashion-forward youth culture, I might have a better appreciation of pretentious grown ups.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Rants, Words | Tagged Chloe Sevigny, fashion bloggers, Lou Doillon | 30 Comments

Lessons From Madonna

Posted on July 19, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Madonna was not put here on Earth just to annoy us, it turns out. We can learn from her, if only we open our hearts and minds.

Look at the photo above. Really look. Are you receiving Her message? Madonna is teaching us, at her own great expense, that grueling daily workouts are a waste of time after a certain age. Your lean muscular arms will terrify, rather than please. Put down the weights and get some ice cream, She is saying. Turn on the TV, spend some time with the kids, let your body do what bodies do as they age.

Her secondary message is, of course, the more you fatten up your face, the scarier you will look. Let’s thank her for sacrificing her facial contours to drive this lesson home. Thanks, Madge!

In this photo, Madonna is leaving a hospital in Marseilles after making a special trip there to comfort the workers who were injured while building a stage for her concert.

Click on the picture to ge the full impact. Now, what is she trying to teach us?

If you answered, She’s teaching the value of a photo op, even in times of human tragedy, no, you are being too hasty and judgmental. Think harder.

Madonna is saying, Black is serious, but it can still be fun! You can pretend to be mourning, but you can still choose some avant-garde menswear vest and some fierce high heels. You can say you’re devastated, but why just throw something on to meet a grieving widow? Work it!

I for one feel a new tenderness towards Madge. She only wants to help. She even apologized to me personally when she announced during her concert in Undine, Italy: “I feel so devastated to be in any way associated with anyone’s suffering.”

Why, thank you, Madonna! I appreciate your concern, just don’t do it again.

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion, News, Words | Tagged black, facial fillers, Madonna | 15 Comments

The Horror of Insomnia

Posted on July 18, 2009 by Sister Wolf

This is what happens when you stay up too late. You start looking at shit on the Karmaloop website. Pretty soon you don’t know what to think. Here’s their exclusive Catfight Jeans, only around $50-something dollars.

Here’s the Exclusive Brianel l******s, which I’m sure many girls love for their irony factor. Can’t remember what they cost.

Finally, for $80, here’s a dead thing that is available only in VERY LIMITED QUANTITIES, so hurry the hell up and order yours right now!

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged hideous crap, jeans, leggings | 16 Comments

Stop Dying, Motherfuckers!

Posted on July 16, 2009 by Sister Wolf

For the last 24 hours, I have been acutely remorseful about watching Michael Jackson’s head on fire. I watched the video online, and now it’s being played on CNN, in an endless loop of mock horror and shock. Even Mark Geragos was disgusted, noting to Larry King that beheadings were available on video but weren’t appropriate for TV viewing.

It’s wrong to observe personal suffering in such a dispassionate context, and I feel debased by doing it. I’m so sorry! If only I could expunge it from the record of my sins.

Less sensationally, Dash Snow died this week, nearly a year after making me angry by his mere existence, and I’m sorry about that, too. I still think he was a pretentious, attention-seeking hipster, but I mourn his death all the same.

Dash Snow was 27, and probably knew it was the magic number for those who think “Live Fast, Die Young” is actually good advice. His downtown hipster friends are shocked, even though he was a heroin addict. No Diprivan here, just the usual method of going out.

Why do people have to become drug addicts and create such misery for their loved ones and such devastation for those they leave behind? Why can’t anyone save them? Why do people enable them? Why do they want to escape their lives when it’s the only one they’ve got? Why stick that first needle in your arm, you motherfuckers?

It’s a terrible mystery to me but I still want everyone who knows a drug addict to do whatever they can to lead them to safety. Rat out your friends and co-workers and children and spouses and sisters and brothers. They’ll be mad, but that’s okay. Make them mad.

A real artist and a fake artist, both dead now, dead as a doornail, no matter how the news media recycle their stories. I wish they’d let me rest in peace.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Religion | Tagged addiction, death, Michael Jackson | 17 Comments

Paging Rumi!

Posted on July 15, 2009 by Sister Wolf

“Predatory and provocative, these leather shorts feature vertical zipper details. Hidden zipper and hook-and-eye closure at side. Lined.” By McQ – Alexander McQueen. $755

Maybe with an insanely shredded tshirt and ___________________.

Fill in the rest.

Winner gets an exciting collection of St. Joseph Picture Books for children!

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged fashion bloggers, Jesus, leather | 29 Comments

Vivienne Westwood Agrees on Tablecloths!

Posted on July 14, 2009 by Sister Wolf

How timely! Here, you can watch Viv urge people to make clothes out of tablecloths if they find a nice one. How lovely to hear the ultimate arbiter of great style chime in on our tablecloth plans for fall/winter! It’s always good to know Vivienne Westwood approves, isn’t it?

Also, note the deep red lipstick. Beautiful! Try NARS Velvet-Matte lip pencil in Dragon Girl or Cruella. If you have any red lipstick suggestions, please share with the class.

Posted in Fashion | Tagged lipstick, tablecloths, Vivienne Westwood | 12 Comments