It’s the Stupidity, Stupid!

Posted on October 13, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Today, I had a moment of clarity. I understood why Grandpa and that Church Lady must not be allowed to win this election. He’s too old, and she’s too stupid.

Alas, there are a number of people who haven’t grasped this. And now that Grandpa told some senile old racist that No ma’am, Obama isn’t an Arab, his handlers seem to think he should get a medal for good conduct. To quote a rant I just read,

“Garnering credit for coming to the defense of Senator Obama is like an arsonist claiming heroism for saving lives after having set fire to the building in the first place.”

On a happier note, the super-hunky Levi Johnston has come forward to talk about his babymama, Bristol “What does Birth Control mean?” Palin. Levi says that he always planned to marry the young fertility goddess, although now he’s had to drop out of high school to get a job on an oilfield. Levi describes his current situation philosophically. “It’s pretty chill.”

Levi, I love you so much. You are what we Jews would call a mensch, even though you’ve probably never met an actual Jew. I love the way you stepped up for Bristol. I love that you’ve given up your dream of playing hockey, just like Track did. I love how you tattooed Bristol’s name on your finger. I bet that’s your trigger finger. I’ve seen you holding your big rifle, ahem. And I love that even though you refused to divulge the baby’s gender, you did reveal your plan to “take him hunting and fishing.”

When asked how he felt about joining the Palins at the RNC, Levi said “At first, I was nervous. Then I was like, whatever.”

God, I know just what he means! Who among us is not, like, whatever?

Posted in News, Rants, Words | Tagged , , | 26 Comments

Tasergate? Paging George Orwell!

Posted on October 12, 2008 by Sister Wolf

No one should be surprised that a guilty verdict means nothing to Mrs. P or her supporters. But it’s still disturbing to hear her express pleasure at being cleared of “any legal wrongdoing.” Does she deliberately use the word “legal” to distinguish that sort of wrongdoing from “ethical” wrongdoing? Is she a genius with words, when all along we’ve been calling her a moron? We will need to ask George Orwell to get the answer.

However, not only does she call guilty innocent, in this phone interview with reporters, she calls Troopergate “Tasergate.” A clever attempt to refocus attention to Trooper Wooten, the victim of her vendetta, who is accused of tasering his own son. But guess what, Mrs. Palin, Wooten’s son subsequently chose to live with his father after a custody dispute! Nice try, but flagrant foul, as they say in basketball.

If you read the report, you will find that Todd Palin had his own perch in his wife’s office, a conference table where he sat all day making threatening phone-calls on behalf of the deranged Missus. I thought the First Dude was supposed to be a house-husband?? Maybe this explains why he never holds that poor baby.   The best response to this shit is a story over here, which ends on this note:

“Elect these nutbars, and Todd Palin will be renditioning people who cut him off in traffic.”

Pap Smear, we must crank up our efforts. We must challenge Palin’s “verbage” and not allow any more nonsense to come out of her one-lipped mouth without calling her on it.

Posted in News, Words | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Guilty as Sin!

Posted on October 10, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Let’s all thank the amazing Susan for finding this delightful image.   Susan is the one to go to when you want to know what’s going on, or what’s cool.

Then, while you’re enjoying the guilty verdict in Troopergate, find a moment to watch this enlightening video that outlines Mrs. P’s flip-flopping on “transparency”. It includes an audio tape of Mrs. Palin’s aide issuing a threat to a State Trooper Official.

That bitch couldn’t be more guilty if she shot that poor trooper and served him for dinner.   Her husband is guilty too, even if there’s no law against acting as your wife’s hit-man. Todd Palin is a simpleton and a bully but he’s no match in either department for his crazy, duplicitous wife.

I’m not ashamed to admit that I was so excited tonight, I forgot to put the new ice cream in the freezer. I now have a half-gallon of melted Limited Edition Dreyer’s Apple Pie ice cream to commemorate this historic victory for justice and sanity!

Posted in Art, News, Rants | Tagged , | 24 Comments

Sarah’s Special Needs

Posted on October 9, 2008 by Sister Wolf

I’ve listened to   Mrs. P at two separate campaign rallies, yesterday and today, answering questions about how she intends to keep her promise of being a friend to moms with special needs kids. Each time, she said that she would “make it a priority” in the schools. She would pay for this not by raising spending, but by “prioritizing.”

Somehow, I’m not convinced that she has a plan. I did read that she has a full-time babysitter for Trig on her payroll. Bless her heart!

I have also been so privileged as to read about Track Palin’s mysterious trip to Michigan to finish high school.   It’s because he and 3 other boys were arrested in 1985 for vandalizing some school buses while they were drunk. Believe me, I have spent hours reading about this and there is no doubt in my mind that this is why he enlisted in the armed forces instead of pursuing his ambition to be a professional hockey player.   It’s actually a pretty fascinating cover up.

Frankly, I am sick to death of Mrs. Palin but I am duty bound to hunt her down like the wolves she likes to shoot from helicopters.   By tomorrow, we’ll hear some kind of verdict in Troopergate, but I already know that nothing will stop this crazy bitch, nothing.   Read this and then drink yourself to sleep.

Meanwhile, I have been honored with a request from K-line to list six of my quirks. I’m not sure if these are quirks but here you go:

1. I still sleep with a blankie only it’s a shirt, named Shirty.
2. I scream when I rub my eyes, involuntarily. The Eye-Rubbing Scream still alarms my husband.
3. I’m afraid to drive on freeways.
4. I like to plan and carry out elaborate vendettas.
5. I love to dance to disco music.
6. I cross myself when I hear something dreadful, even though I’m an atheist Jew.

Now I’m supposed to tag a bunch of people and some other stuff but I’m too tired and need to go watch Nancy Grace.

Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

My Friends, Grandpa Made Us Cringe, Didn’t He?

Posted on October 7, 2008 by Sister Wolf

It was almost sad, but you know, it wasn’t! It felt good to see Grandpa wandering around like an arthritic midget, baring his horrible teeth in a mean grimace. He was Danny DeVito to Obama’s Fred Astaire.

Who would you choose to run the country: An angry hissing old bastard who can’t open his mouth without lying, or a gracious, brainy idealist who is comfortable in his own skin?

Unless an October Surprise of monumental import comes to pass, Obama has it in the bag.

Just to cover the main points of the evening:

1. How many “My Friends” can anyone take?? All My Friends actually sent me text messages that began with the words “My Friends!” (I texted in reply, “U Hate Freedom!”)

2. Grandpa’s whistling S’s inspired a Whistling S contest between me and my nephew. I won!

3. No one left me any chicken wings! Fuckers.

Ah, but how gratifying to hear the post-debate blather at CNN. They all admitted that Grandpa was a repellent little shit. Not in those exact words, though.

Did everybody see McCain refuse to shake Obama’s hand? Nice touch, Grandpa! Now, we must turn our attention to Mrs. P, who probably thinks she holds the winning hand.

Posted in News, Words | Tagged , , | 25 Comments

Palin Rears Her Ugly Head Over Australia!

Posted on October 6, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Is anyone surprised that Grandpa’s campaign has finally deployed their secret weapon….Obama’s middle name?

Gosh darnit, some prick who introduced Mrs. P to a Nazi rally in Clearwater Florida busted out with “Barack Hussein Obama” to huge applause. The implication of course is that Obama is a Muslim terrorist, not in fact the idealistic all-American family man he’s pretending to be.

While Mrs. Palin incited the crowd by accusing Obama of harboring terrorist feelings about Our Great Country, her audience screamed their support. The cry of “Kill him!” could be heard.

Thanks, Sarah!

Meanwhile, Grandpa is practically foaming at the mouth. I am braced for the absolute worst in his debate tactics. He’ll probably say that Obama is not only a terrorist but a Black Panther.   You should take the time to read this sobering biography of   John McCain, which reveals in detail why our “Maverick” is really a shameless liar and life-long opportunist whose temperament makes him unfit for the job of President.

God I hate that fucking bastard. Shall we select “POW” as our drinking word for tomorrow night? Other suggestions?

It’s going to be really, really ugly, people. If you haven’t joined PAP Smear, it’s not too late. Our Chief Political Strategist, annemarie, stands at the ready to give you an assignment.

* On a happier note, Sister Wolf was invited to talk about Mrs. P on Australian radio! It was very exciting. The charming host, Michelle Crowther, warned her audience that I am a “potty mouth,” but I was miraculously able to avoid swearing. Shit! You can listen by clicking on the little headphone and the date 5/10/08.

Posted in News, Words | Tagged , , | 22 Comments

To Buy Or Not To Buy

Posted on October 5, 2008 by Sister Wolf

Long ago, in a galaxy known as Coggles.com, I was dazzled by a Vivienne Westwood tiara with little diamante devil horns. It was a replica of the one Viv wore to meet the Queen of England. It was way out of my price range, but I was brokenhearted when it disappeared from the website.

Now that I’ve decided to renounce internet shopping, I have come upon this tiara again.

Fuck. Is it a test of my character, by god or the devil? Is it a cosmic joke on me? Or is it simply a fucking bummer?

I want these devil horns. I need them. I could wear them with everything, or nothing. They were obviously meant just for me. They cost around $450.

I know in the rational part of my brain that they won’t bring happiness. They will just add to the crap-heap of my life, the tons of hoarded belongings that could have fed most of Sub-Saharan Africa if their cost was added up.

But the primitive credit-card wielding part of my brain that reacts wildly to sparkly things is going “Oooh, it’s too beautiful to pass up!”

Can anyone help put me out of my misery? I need to be convinced not to make this purchase. Or maybe the opposite.

*Don’t worry, PAP Smear members.   We wil reconvene tomorrow night. It’s getting uglier by the minute.

Posted in Disorders, Fashion | Tagged , | 29 Comments

A Shout Out To Tina Fey

Posted on October 5, 2008 by Sister Wolf

If it weren’t for Tina Fey, how many of us would have killed ourselves by now? Tina Fey is all that stands between nervousness and mass hysteria. When you laugh at Tina’s Sarah Palin, the laughter is coming from a very dark place, a place where you want to see an ambition-crazed Bible thumper torn to pieces by starving polar bears.

Tina, please accept an honorary membership in PAP Smear, and the title of Blessed Catharsis!

Since things aren’t looking too good for Grandpa, Mrs. P says that “..now the heels are on, the gloves come off!” What the heck is she sayin’???? Is this a dominatrix reference, to excite the Republican base? Or is it just stripper talk?   PAP Smear decoders, get to work!

So now that the gloves are off,   Mrs. P is accusing Obama of   “palling around with terrorists who would target their own country.” Oh, please. GONG! Get her off the stage already.

If you want to really get scared, read this op ed piece in The New York Times about Palin’s ominous desire to be President.   Make sure you’ve got a handful of Xanax or a YouTube video of Tina Fey qued up.

So, looking ahead, what magic word will you be looking for in the Tuesday debate between Grandpa and Obama?   I’m guessing Grandpa will finally yell ‘Horseshit!’ Wouldn’t that be mavericky?!

*Update: Thanks to the diligence of our own OMGGMAB, we have this exciting clip of the Castro Brothers.

Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , | 12 Comments

Is There a Stupider Cunt?!

Posted on October 3, 2008 by Sister Wolf

People, what is there to say? I know we are all still feeling hung-over from the “debate.” By now we all have discussed our favorite moments with friends and loved ones. The winks and nose-wrinkling. The doggone it. The Say it ain’t so, Joe. The kitchen table was invoked so often, it should have been allowed to have its own podium.

And what about the Castro Brothers? I have never heard that term in my life. The Castro Brothers? Did Grandpa make that one up for her? Was she really trying to say The Coen Brothers? Didn’t they make “Fargo,” where she got that accent from? Am I on to something, people?!

Let’s redouble our efforts to bring down this loathsome imbecile. Someone will have to research the entire Coen Brothers catalogue, to see if there are more code words we are missing.

Also, we need someone to compile a glossary of Palinspeak. “Maverick” clearly means “nuts” but I’m a little shaky on the rest of it.

We need to find out where Palin’s top lip went. Where the hell is it? I see the tattooed lipliner, yes, but where is the lip itself? Did she give it to the Pig, or is that something else? Help me, people, I cannot do this alone.

When Biden got all teary eyed, Mrs. Palin was like a block of ice. From that good state of Alaska, so near to Putin’s rearing head. A colder woman would be hard to imagine. I think she verified her steely heartlessness when she was finally passed the family mascot, poor little Trig, who was somehow sound asleep. She hit him on the back, over and over, even though sleeping infants DON’T NEED TO BURP! She finally succeeded in waking him up, the better to show off his little “Special Needs” features.

This bitch must die. I’m not advocating violence, no no no no. No sirree bob, heck no. But neither am I waving the white flag of surrender. When I say she should die, I am merely giving a shout out to the third grade. Hi, kids! Extra credit if you kill that mean Church Lady!

What was I saying again? Oh, never mind, I don’t have to follow a format, I want to speak directly to the people. People, would you like to see me keep on fighting this fight, or would you rather see more diversity here? I believe I used to have more on my mind. Perhaps I should try to access that other area of my dwindling brain.

*Also, you can now reach me at Sisterwolf666@gmail.com if you need to contact me. If you want to be on my blogrolll thing, let me know.

Posted in News, Rants | Tagged , , | 31 Comments

Can’t Mrs. P Just Shut Up?

Posted on October 1, 2008 by Sister Wolf

I know it’s not just me, because I went to a dinner where everyone was shouting across the table about Sarah Palin. I am now feeling resentful toward CBS, which keeps dribbling out more pieces of Katie Couric’s interview with that fucking moron. Can’t we just get it over with?! It’s starting to feel like an ongoing root canal of a great big molar.

Try reading Mrs. P’s answer when Katie Couric asked her if she disagreed with any Supreme Court decisions besides Roe vs Wade:

“Well, I could think of, of any again, that could be best dealt with on a more local level. Maybe I would take issue with. But you know, as mayor, and then as governor and even as a vice president, if I’m so privileged to serve, wouldn’t be in a position of changing those things but in supporting the law of the land as it reads today.”

How could Katie manage to contain herself?!   This sort of gibberish has inspired a Palinism Generator (thanks,   Nick, for finding it!)   My webmaster was nice enough to modify it slightly and here is our new version.

But it doesn’t stop there.   Here’s what Palin said in an interview with talk-show host Hugh Hewitt:

“It’s time that normal Joe Six-pack American is finally represented in the position of vice presidency.” [No, it isn’t! ] “I know what Americans are going through. Todd and I, heck, we’re going through that right now even as we speak, which may put me again kind of on the outs of those Washington elite who don’t like the idea of just an everyday, working-class American running for such an office.”

Can’t you just hear that inexplicably Fargo-esque accent and diction??

She ends up revealing that the First Dude lost $20,000 from his 401(k) retirement account last week.   Wow, how the hell do you get to lose that much if you’re just, you know, Joe Six-Pack??

Here’s how: Regular ol’ Mrs. P is worth $1.2 million! How does she manage to look so trashy with that kind of money?!   Please, god, make that question come up in the debate!

Posted in News, Rants, Uncategorized, Words | Tagged , , | 37 Comments