| And I'm getting madder.

More Willis Fun

Posted on June 22, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Why does Tallulah’s head always look like it was photo-shopped on to her body? It has the same jarring appearance in every picture. Does it jut forward around cameras, or is she without benefit of a neck?

When her internship at Bazaar was announced, the magazine had to backtrack and say that she was only going to be “observing” there. At age 15, an internship would violate child labor laws. Awww. Poor Tallulah.

With her impeccable style, this girl shouldn’t waste her time palling around with fashion editors. She should just enroll at Brown, like her older sister, Scout.

Here, with her head slightly more in proportion to her body, Tallulah dresses modestly so as not to upstage the Brown-quality intellect that is Scout Willis. I love that Scout has chosen to pursue higher education. I hope she will eventually study neurosurgery and theology. Then, she can either break her mom’s contract with the devil, or create a psychotropic drug that induces prosopagnosia.

Is it mean to make fun of the Willis girls? Did god create them as a test of character for the rest of us? What lessons can we learn from them?

Posted in Celebrities, Disorders, Horrible Stuff, Religion | Tagged academia, Satan, Willis sisters | 22 Comments

Hair and Jackets Progress Report

Posted on June 21, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Looking back on the Bad Hair Lament and the close call with the Topshop Jacket, I can only say Thank god it all worked out okay.

Andy fixed the hair and if you live in LA, he will fix yours, too. Plus, if you don’t want to talk about your problems, you can get him to talk about his. Or even better, you can toss around business ideas, like my plan to start “Clitter” which would be like Twitter but only for chicks. Thanks Andy!

I wanted a photo of the Fixed Hair to be taken outside in daylight, so I grabbed a jacket from the depths of my heartbreakingly* tiny closet and Look! It’s the beautiful metallic blue leather jacket from Neiman Marcus! I’ve had it for at least 15 years but I forgot about it.

The leather is pornographically soft and supple. The color is so awesome, I don’t even know what to call it. Is there a color specialist out there?

Anyway, I know this jacket will either steal your hearts or make them race, one or the other.

I think I’m ready to give up the desperate hunt for more jackets, at least temporarily. Now, I’m obsessed with my aging face and how much I want some Restylane or that other shit that costs $600 per syringe. I need to get the money together in a hurry, before Madonna uses up the world’s supply.

* Still enjoying this word. Taking suggestions for a new one.

Posted in Disorders, Fashion, Words | Tagged cosmetic procedures, hair, jackets, Madonna | 24 Comments

Who Would You Believe?

Posted on June 20, 2009 by Sister Wolf

So here’s the story. The girl on the right is suing the tattoo artist on the left, claiming that she asked for 3 little stars on her face but ended up with 56.

Kimberly, 18, said she fell asleep while she was being tattooed. What a liar! Even if she isn’t lying, and she is, anyone who’d let that guy near them with a needle is out of their fucking mind.

Here’s another question. Should I have used “whom” in the title instead of “who?” I have no idea. When I don’t like the sound of “whom,” I don’t use it. That’s the rule I follow.

But I came across a blog whose authors are probably very nice girls, where a pair of old photos of Mick and Bianca Jagger is captioned: “how incredible are bianca and mick…I can’t decide whom I like best.” Is this good grammar? Mick, whom do you like best, Bianca or yourself?

In any case, one of the commenters noted: “I think it’s seeing the both of them together that makes my heart race.”

I think this is even better than smitten, or “that sweater stole my heart!”

It makes my heart race when I discover new phrases to bother people with, or rather, with which to bother people.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Words | Tagged stupid morons, tattoos | 25 Comments

Becoming a Man

Posted on June 17, 2009 by Sister Wolf

I was surprised to hear that Chastity Bono is changing her gender. It’s hard for me to give up the idea that Chastity was just trying to get even with her mom. It’s harder and harder to link behavior to psychology. Now we attribute everything to genetics. Good luck, Chaz!

Today I was telling a friend how an old Pearl Jam video aroused my lust for the young Eddie Vedder. If only he would fuck my fucking brains out! She knew exactly what I meant. We wondered if men feel like this 100 times a day. Isn’t that what “studies” say?

I wish I could be a man for a couple of hours, just to know what it’s like. Here’s how I imagine it.

Okay, wow, I’m a guy! This is so weird. Where’s my dick? Is it okay? Is it really okay? Is it big enough? I hope so. I hope it’s bigger than every other dick, or at least not smaller.

Oooh, there’s a chick. Look at those boobs! And she’s got a vagina! I wonder what it looks like! They’re all different, like snowflakes. I have to see as many as possible. How can I get access to that one?

Never mind, there goes another chick. Ugh, no thanks. I hate the fat ones. Take it away!

Hm, that guy has a nicer car. I hope my dick is bigger than his. Is my dick okay? Is it protected from everything? I wish I could feel it right now.

Oh now, my girlfriend is texting me. Why do they always need to talk? Why do I have to listen and comment on every little thing that pops into her head! Christ. This is torture. I just want to go back to what I was doing, but she needs to “communicate.”

I wonder what the score is? I wish I knew which team is ahead. Is there another guy around somewhere? He’ll know. Man, those Lakers! What a game. Too bad the season’s over, though. Wait. Is my dick okay?

I think I’ll listen to some Clapton. Or maybe Coltrane. Boy, another beer would be great. Is my dick okay? I hope so. How can I get a blowjob? I’d give anything….On no. It’s the girlfriend and she wants to talk. She’s ruining the Clapton solo. Damn her. I hope this will end in a blowjob. Is my dick okay?

Posted in News, Words | 29 Comments

Sister Wolf Gives Back

Posted on June 16, 2009 by Sister Wolf

With the help of my webmaster, I am able to offer all bloggers* this handy symbol of assurance that no hand-to-face poses will appear on your blog, except in cases of mockery or irony.

Please feel free to copy this image and use with confidence! If you like it, give a shout out to Charlie over here. Certain restrictions apply, blah blah blah, just don’t ask me what they are, I’m not a lawyer.

* Over the age of 18

Posted in Art | Tagged bloggers, sons, symbols | 19 Comments

A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever

Posted on June 16, 2009 by Sister Wolf

If only I had an income, I would have to buy this embroidered silk biker jacket. It is not just unconventional, but it immediately reminded me of Gram Parsons and his white Nudie suit on the first Burrito Brothers album.

Same same but different, as they say in Thailand.

The jacket is at farfetch, by Laura Lees, for only $304! Whoever Laura Lees is, I salute her. Here’s a close-up of some embroidery on another one of her designs.

Oooooh! Do you love it or do you love it?!

Well, fuck. I have no money but if you’re a wealthy stalker, I’m a size small. Let’s take our minds off shopping by listening to the poignant raw beauty of Gram’s voice. Gone but never, ever forgotten.

Posted in Art, Fashion, Words | Tagged beauty, Gram Parsons, jackets | 14 Comments

Go Away, You Awful Teenagers

Posted on June 14, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Still under the influence of bad hair, I was informed by KOS of an online fashion mag whose editor is 15 years old. Sure enough, it’s all about high-priced ‘avant garde’ designers and models whose hands are THIS CLOSE to touching their faces, with text like “combining armorial pieces with organic materials…” Wait a minute, do they really mean armorial, which means “pertaining to heraldry” or do they mean “armor-like?”

Take a look at the young Sister Wolf, a poor little hippie girl at age 14. Check the velvet thriftshop dress, the crown of daisies, the elegant cigarette.

Do I know what I’m talking about, people?!

All you horrible teenage fashion girls, listen up. Stop blabbing about Rodarte and Rad Hourani and your fucking shoes and your mom’s shoes, go out and smell the roses! Put them in your hair and buy a pack of fucking cigarettes! Find a new way to be pretentious, for the love of god! I hate all of you! This is why it’s so hard to get a babysitter!

These girls are too busy talking about “leggy cashmere playsuits” and not spending enough time experimenting with drugs. Better to be sexting with their BF’s than squandering their precious youth on being epic in their fierce wedges and expounding on the timelessness of the Birkin bag.

Two words for you girls: Shut Up. (I was going to say “Try Anal,” but then I thought better of it.)

Posted in Fashion, Rants, Words | Tagged drugs, shoes, teenagers | 40 Comments

A Bad Hair Day

Posted on June 14, 2009 by Sister Wolf

When I’m not happy with my hair, nothing else matters. I am acutely fixated on the not-goodness of my hair. I tried lightening it to a brown color, forgetting how stubborn my hair is about staying black. It is now a patchy brown and black with gold streaks. It is dry and dull looking. Hair hair hair hair hair hair hair hair.

My husband says I’m just tripping, my hair looks fine. Today I saw my brother-in-law who observed: “I like your hair better black!” before I even had time to register my hair complaint.

Nothing I do will ever restore my hair to its former state. I have made a blunder of unfathomable proportions. No one will ever love me again. I am shit. I am less than shit, I am the shit with bad hair. I am a Greek tragedy, taken down by my own vanity like Narcissus. The gods are laughing about my hair. They’re going, “Haha, look what that stupid bitch did to her hair! She asked for it!”

I will spend a fortune that I don’t even have on hair conditioners that promise impossible results. I will scrutinize my hair for signs of breakage. I will hate every woman with shiny hair. (WendyB, put on a turban!) I will be humbled by the bald heads of courageous chemo-therapy patients. Then I will return to feeling bad about my awful brownish hair.

Posted in Disorders, Rants | Tagged gods, hair | 24 Comments

The Good, Bad & Ugly Round-up

Posted on June 12, 2009 by Sister Wolf

Mmmmm, now this is a jacket I’d touch my face for! Why does it have to be $500? Brian Lichtenberg, can’t you please give me one for free, after all I’ve been through?

Check out this abomination: “Punk Pants” by McQ – Alexander McQueen. It’s a skirt, it’s leggings, it’s harem pants, it’s making me want to kill myself. Shopbop, of course.

Meet Tallulah, Rumer’s sister. At 15, she snagged an internship at Bazaar magazine. Demi Moore’s deal with Satan continues to smite her children. What a fucking cunt!

I can’t help wondering if a contract with the devil is legal and binding. Shouldn’t Demi try to get out of it, just out of common decency?

Posted in Celebrities, Fashion | Tagged biker jackets, Satan, Shopbop | 11 Comments

Manolo Has Jumped the Shark*

Posted on June 11, 2009 by Sister Wolf

What can one say about this atrocity, which features genuine ocelot fur? Although, now that I look some more, I can see J Lo wearing these, can’t you?

*This is the last time I will use Jumped the Shark. From now on, it’s “Jumped the Topshop Jacket.”

Posted in Fashion, Horrible Stuff | Tagged fur, hideous boots, J Lo | 18 Comments