Crazy Mothers Club, Part 2

Everyone knew that the woman who just had octuplets was crazy, but who knew she’d be crazy and arrogant?

Watching a preview of her interview on NBC, at first I was more horrified by her face than her words. What the hell did Nadya Suleman do to her face, and why isn’t anyone mentioning it?!   She has clearly had a terrible nose-job, leaving her with a tiny miniature of a nose that wouldn’t fool Helen Keller. Then, the inflated lips! What a mess. Perhaps she is going for an Angelina Jolie look, but as in her quest for babies, she is tragically deluded.

As far as I can tell, this woman has a pathological compulsion to acquire children, much like some disturbed people hoard animals. An animal hoarder is a person who amasses more animals than he/she can properly care for.” Oops! If you substitute babies for animals, the disorder fits her behavior perfectly.

Women who use their children to gratify their own narcissistic needs are discussed at length in Alice Miller’s landmark book, The Drama of the Gifted Child. If you haven’t read it, let me say that it’s often cited as “a book that changed my life.” It’s a book that is pressed upon others as essential reading. If you grew up feeling worthless, if you still struggle to be your ‘real’ self, if you worry that you might screw up your own children, this book will be a transformative experience.

Today I was thinking about childhood, and I recalled my mom screaming theatrically, “Why did god curse me with a child like you?” I remember how sad I felt, and how I wished I knew the answer to her question.

Now I know that what my mother meant was, I can’t control my anger and I can’t deal with the needs of a child.

I have lost my temper with my own kids more times than I want to remember. I hope and pray that I haven’t screwed them up too much. At least I won’t have traumatized them with a face that looks like a duck.

Again, if your mother was/is crazy, this club is for you! Feel free to speak up.

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The Black Jeans Situation

I have taken a vow to stop buying black jeans, but I broke it twice in one week. I’m beginning to wonder if there are any black jeans in the universe that would fit me properly, or if I’ll spend the rest of my life proving that the answer is No.

My latest Black Jeans disappointment are a pair by Aristocrat (whoever they are) reduced from $195 to $50. They were too tight but I assumed they would stretch to fit after a few hours. Now I realize that the only jeans that stretch that much are the ones that fit perfectly! Then, they’re too baggy.

My black Nudie jeans: too baggy. Black skinny Levis: too baggy. Black Superfine jeans: too baggy AND too tight. Black L.A.M.B jeans: way too baggy, but too tight when I bought them.

There is no end to this heartbreak. I want some perfect Black Jeans and I’ve wasted enough money to fund a thousand new jobs to build up the infrastructure of this great country of ours. How can I stop the insanity?!?

I tried to break the curse by buying these silvery-black jeans online, but they turned out to be preposterously tiny for a size 4, and they were a ‘final sale,’ as usual.

My loss, in this case, is Annemarie‘s gain, because I know they will fit her. Not only that, but she gave me the Ferragamo sweater in the photo above.

I feel I am enmeshed in a hopeless enterprise but unable to admit defeat or just move on. What would Jesus do?

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Flo and Kay: A Fascinating Documentary

Flo and Kay are autistic twins who are also savants: They can calculate calendar dates and they remember everything. They enjoy music and they worship Dick Clark like a deity, literally. They are sometimes called “The Rainman Twins,” which is unfortunate, since they are not movie characters. Their lives have been fraught with tragedy, but they are unusually happy and resilient.

Watching the documentary about Flo and Kay, I fell in love with them. I can’t even imagine anyone feeling differently.

My response at the end of the documentary was, Why doesn’t Dick Clark hook them up with some money, so they can afford better care? He has met the twins, and knows that they consider him their personal Savior. What’s a million dollars to Dick Clark?!?

What a fucking cunt.

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I Heart Penis Jewelry

I wasn’t planning on writing about penis jewelry today, but who am I to defy destiny after coming upon this amazing penis bracelet? I swear I wasn’t looking for penis jewelry. I just got on a mailing list for a luxury shopping site called 1st dibs, so I clicked on jewelry…

An amusing bracelet and ring by Jean Mahie. The 18k yellow gold bracelet and ring with French hallmarks and makers mark for Jean Mahie. The link bracelet made up of stylized “male parts” the ring a bent figure. Mahies work is often subtly erotic in nature. This is a great set- almost an inside joke for the wearer. The piece has a wonderful mellow patina. Very fun and wearable. Price: $4,200

I agree that it’s amusing, but “an inside joke for the wearer?” I guess if you didn’t like penises and you were wearing it, that would be a little joke with yourself. Personally, I love this set and the price is just right.

While I’m on penises yet again, take a look at this photo of Gaultier and tell me if you see what I see.

Posted in Art, Fashion | Tagged , | 10 Comments

Jessica Simpson, Boo Hoo

Breaking news: Jessica Simpson is a fat pig and it’s mean to make fun of her. In fact, if you make fun of her, you are part of the problem. It’s people like you who are forcing girls to starve themselves, you big meanies!

Jessica Simpson can’t help being a fat pig, duh. She is only human, or so it seems. Her sister used to have a really big nose, but now she’s fixed it, and she’s hopping mad about Jessica’s detractors. Heidi Klum is mad, too. Heidi is very slim, even after eight million children, but she will not stand for any criticism of Jessica’s weight.

Jessica Simpson is fat now and it’s everybody’s fault. You laughed at her fashion blunders, you sneered at her awful enormous handbags, you mocked her for her line of shoes and hair-pieces, and now look what’s happened! Even President Obama noticed her weight problem. He’ll probably propose some legislation to stop her from gaining more weight. John McCain will oppose it, though.

If I were Jessica Simpson, I’d either kill myself just to show how hurt I was, or I’d pack on another fifty pounds in order to make everyone feel bad for calling me fat.

Either way, it just goes to show how petty and small-minded we are as a society. I plan to go to church tomorrow to pray for Jessica Simpson. May she find solace in big earrings and wide belts and a double order of crispy fried chicken.

Posted in Celebrities, Disorders | Tagged , , | 20 Comments

When Popes Go Bad

What do you expect from a German Pope? You get what you pay for! Here is the lunatic that Pope Ratty brought back in to the fold. Watch how turned on Bishop Williamson gets as he warms to the subject of gas ovens….

[I had a bunch of other rants here but for those who are seeing this interview for the first time, I think it’s probably better to allow time to reflect and/or recover]

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Do Women Hate Themselves?

A while back, I wrote on the subject “Why Men Hate Women,” and I still get comments from angry men. (If you enjoy angry men, go and look!)

Today, after reading some of my email, I’m wondering if women are starting to hate themselves, too. Why else would anyone listen to Suzanne Somers, who went on Oprah to discuss her beauty regimen: 60 pills a day and injections in her Female Area!

Why else would anyone want to wax her Female Area, spray it with “24K gold” and have Swarovski crystals glued to it? You must really have to hate the sight of your crotch to mess with it like that.   Ladies, or gay men, do you want to see your man’s Johnson sprayed gold and glued with rhinestones?

God, it’s depressing. We haven’t come very far if this is our lot in life. If the best we can hope for is to pump our faces full of Botox and work out 3 hours a day to look like Madonna at fifty, it would be better to go back to the good old days when pubic hair was actually sexy and you didn’t have to look young forever. You could just wear a girdle if you got fat, and you could stay home and play bridge instead of touring the world in a leotard and top hat.

Are there any decent role models out there besides Patti Smith and Naomi Klein? Maybe we need to cultivate other qualities besides youthfulness and hairlessness. This might be a good subject for our pajama party.

Here is the badge thingy I made for it, but I know Honeypants or someone else could improve it.   Please have a go at it, and send it to me!

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A Trashy Goldmine!

Okay, so I bought another pair of black boots but I swear to god this is the last time. I can actually walk in them because of the big hidden platform. Not that I’ll wear them or anything, but if I did, I’d be capable of walking.

I saw them at Oak but I decided to look around and found them for $86 less at Karmaloop.com, which turned out to be an eye-popping bonanza of cool and awful delights. I love this model, who’s kind of a gangsta Amy Winehouse with bulging implants.

Not only that, but there are Tripp jeans in every possible variety of plaid, vinyl, and leopard print, as well as basic black. The jewelry includes a necklace that says “I Love Me” in braille. Better yet is this fake Chanel chain belt by a brand called Office Tramp.

This bondagey leather belt thing reminds me of Susie B’s cage skirt, and from behind it appears to be an effective butt-lifter, too.

Even if you’ve sworn off shopping or you’re way too old to dress like a slut or a homegirl, it’s fun to click your way through so much wacky and inappropriate merchandise. Plus, everything is 30% off.

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The Nose War

When you’ve been in a relationship for years and years, you need to make an effort to have fun.

Here’s a game I just made up, called The Nose War:

There’s a little rubber nose on my kitchen floor, just to the left of the fridge. It’s been there for around 10 days. I don’t know how it got there, I only know that I bought it in a little packet of rubber body-parts from Borders, at least a year ago. They were creepy but cute, and cost around two bucks.

(I put a quarter next to the nose for size comparison.)

Anyway, the nose is in plain sight, but NO ONE WILL PICK IT UP!

It occurred to me that it would be fun to see how long it stays there. In other words, I’ve decided to leave it there as a test for my husband, who normally hastens to tell me what’s wrong in the kitchen. Then, it occurred to me that my husband must be leaving it there on purpose, too, to test ME! He’s probably thinking, I’ll see how long that slob leaves that nose on the floor, and eventually I’ll draw her attention to it and say “Look what a lazy slob you are, this has been on the floor for — days, bla bla bla!”

I’ve pointed out the nose to my kid, who said “I was wondering why that was there,” and I told him I was conducting a test. But I like how he had no intention of picking it up, either. The apple doesn’t   fall far from the tree, eh?

God, marriage is fun.

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Phil Spector, Shoes and Suicide

It’s hard to believe that Phil Spector (above with his crazy wife Rachelle) is STILL on trial for the murder of Lana Clarkson. But on Friday, the prosecution rested its case against him. The last person to testify was Lana Clarkson’s mother, Donna, who maintains that her daughter’s purchase of eight pairs of shoes just prior to her death proves that she was not suicidal.

Apart from the fact that we already know Phil Spector is guilty, the shoe argument is a convincing one. At first, anyway.

Eight pairs of new shoes seems like a really optimistic investment, a gesture of hope. That’s a lot of shoes, even to me. If I was planning to kill myself, I know I wouldn’t buy eight pairs of shoes first.

Lana Clarkson went shoe shopping with her mother at Nordstrom, looking for flats to wear at her new job. She found eights pairs of black flats, including the Mary Jane’s she was wearing when she died. Her mom loaned her the money for the shoes, a total of $150.

150 divided by eight is….I can’t do math, but it means the shoes were cheap. This makes me reassess the whole suicide thing. What if you went home with eight boxes of awful cheap shoes and thought, God, why do I even bother to live?! That I can relate to.

I ran this by my husband, who replied, “But it’s Nordstrom, she could’ve taken them back.” He is well aware of Nordstrom’s liberal return policy, since he has driven me there to return things at least a thousand times.

But that’s not the point, duh! Even if you knew you could return them, the horror of having bought so many black flats might in fact be overwhelming. If you were already depressed, it could push you over the edge.

Of course, whatever Lana was feeling on the night she went home with Phil Spector, he blew her brains out. There is more than enough proof of that. His new lawyer is attempting to defend him by showing that Spector doesn’t hate and threaten women, specifically, but rather he hates and threatens men, too. It’s a brilliant defense strategy if the jury has been lobotomized.

However, I’m stuck with the idea of shoes and suicide. Maybe I’ll have to have a philosophical discussion with Imelda Matt. Until then, here is a pair of shoes that make me want to kill myself. They’re on sale at endless.com for only $771.81.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News | Tagged , , | 18 Comments