Out, Damn G Spot!

where-the-hell-is-it

When my friend R suddenly proclaimed herself skeptical about the G Spot during Christmas Eve dinner, I told her she was preaching to the choir. According to R, that idiot “Dr. Oz” was on TV trying to teach people how to locate the G Spot by using the roof of the mouth as a model of the female Area.   (Sorry, can’t use the V word.)

So here’s my analysis of the G Spot situation, and R backs me up on this.

The G Spot is a male fabulation, designed to put women back in their place after the superiority of female sexuality became common knowledge. In other words, since women have a better capacity for orgasm, lets find a way to make them feel inadequate again.

Ladies, are you feeling me here? Why do we need a mysterious “Spot” that almost no one has located, when the C Spot is RIGHT THERE and works great?! I love reading about how some women feel an urge to pee when you press their G Spot, while other women experience a special “V—-al Orgasm.”   Since that theory makes the whole deal seem kind of dubious, newer studies suggest that only SOME women have a G Spot. In that case, let me say that I personally have an H Spot, as well as Spots I through LMNOP, but I’m not going to tell you where they are, since you probably don’t have them.

When I googled G Spot, I came across an piece at Ask Men dot com, about the Male G Spot! I was thrilled! R and I had postulated the existence of an M Spot for men….a nebulous place somewhere between the balls that had to be pressed from a certain angle to be triggered.   How gratifying to imagine men probing desperately for a Spot that isn’t there!

I was disappointed, not to mention saddened and completely grossed out, to learn from Ask Men that the Male G Spot is up their butt. THAT’S RIGHT, you heard me. Up their butt. Ask Men suggests that guys get comfortable and relaxed before attempting to locate…..oh god, I can’t go on. It’s just too tragic. Who are these dummies they write for at Ask Men? It should be called Ask Idiots. Or maybe just “Duh.com.”

While I personally can accept some things on faith, other things (like the moon landing) I’m not too sure about. The moon landing, I’d say there’s a fifty per cent chance it happened. Immaculate Conception, zero per cent. Loch Ness Monster, YES, that one I feel good about. But the G Spot is nonsense and I’m not buying it.

Opinions, anyone?

Posted in Rants, Words | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Again With the Lesbian Stick

lesbian-collage-thanks-max

It’s an official tradition*; every year at this time, I have to post The Story of the Lesbian Stick.   If it doesn’t bring a tear to your eye, then you know nothing of lesbians or the Spirit of Christmas.

Love and Blessings, SW

*p.s. This is for Ann xoxo

Posted in Art, Religion, revenge | Tagged , | 12 Comments

A New Christmas Miracle

long-hair-lady

The day started out badly and quickly got worse. I realized that I forgot to make my credit card payment, but I don’t have the money to pay it anyway. Then, I tried to negotiate a payment plan with the hospital where I had hip surgery. Two different foreign ladies said No, with an air of vindictive satisfaction.

A family member became excited by the idea of buying a turducken for Christmas. It would only cost $100. Uh-oh, this meant trouble. Soon, the turducken plan became a massive turducken-of-contention. Voices were raised. The subject of no-money was passed back and forth with diminishing effect. Threats were exchanged and grudgingly withdrawn.

The Internet decided not to work. Nothing would changed its decision. I longed for a way to release my frustration and helpless rage, so I impulsively grabbed an old Pearl Jam CD, hoping to scream ‘Why Go‘ along with Eddie Vedder (who I still want to have sex with, after all these years.) But no, the CD is scratched, I knew that but I’d forgotten.

Somewhere, we have a remastered version of that CD, but how would I ever find it? Since my husband is a “curator” of CD’s, there are at least 5,000 of them around the house in racks, stacks and crates. Every CD you can think of is here somewhere, but only my husband knows how they’re organized. I burst into tears of self-pity.

Sobbing and limping with my cane, I tried to straighten up the mess that is my house. I started emptying the drawers of a desk that is blocking the fireplace area where we always had our Christmas tree.   Still crying a little, I sorted through a pile of old receipts and income tax shit.   I came upon a little tiny envelope, like the kind you get from a jeweler, and opened it.

“Money!” I   screamed in joyous surprise. My husband turned to look as I withdrew a hundred dollar bill, a ten and two fives. He came over to kiss me, and whispered, “Better keep it a secret!”

As if I would use the money for a fucking turducken! No fucking way. I see an appointment with my hairdresser coming up!

I have no idea where this money came from or how long it’ s been hidden away in that drawer. All I know is that it’s a true Christmas Miracle.

Posted in Religion | Tagged , , | 20 Comments

Comments For Jane 12/23/09

seas-worrisome-mole

As you probably know, Sea of Shoes is very busy getting ready for Christmas, and she even helpfully explains that “Thursday is Christmas Eve, Friday is Christmas”   The girl is sharp as a tack, you have to hand it to her.

She also offers an awkward English translation of an article about her in Elle France, called ‘A Day With Jane.’ It’s a   delightful account of Sea’s high-powered life, which revolves around her daily “blog duties,” and of course, her mom. She confides that her school was too conservative for her, too Texas.   The biggest surprise is that the Sea household is without a TV. Mom and the girls have to watch old episodes of ‘Dynasty‘ on a computer!

What is more disturbing: That this family actually does take its fashion cues from Dynasty, it wasn’t just a mean mental judgment you were making? Or, that they don’t own a TV?

Here is your opportunity to leave a comment for Jane.   I will go first.

Hey, Sea! I am worried about that mole above your ankle and I want you to show it to your dermatologist. I don’t want to scare you but it should probably be removed, just to be on the safe side. xo SW

P. S. Tell Mom or Dad to get you a TV. People dress so different now! You’ll love it!

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , | 31 Comments

Facebook is Wack

zipper-docs

Because I’m an addict and an idiot, I’ve spent hours tonight staring like a zombie at crap online. I checked out these pointy-tied Dr. Martens and thought, Eh, they won’t fit and I’ll just have to send them back.

Later, I went to Facebook and to my horror, there was an ad for these Docs right there on my profile page! What the fuck is up with that??

Does Facebook know everything I do? How can Facebook stand me, if It knows what a stupid idiot I am? And how can I stand Facebook for getting all up in my business?

Fucking Facebook. I still can’t even figure out what people are supposed to do there. MySpace was great for pranks and causing trouble. Facebook? Who cares where you went for dinner! Not me.

However, I did have a reason for going to Facebook tonight: to snag a photo of this amazing six-layer rainbow cake that my friend Rose made. Ooooh!

roses-rainbow-cake

Friendship and cake are blessings to cherish. Ice cream, too.

Posted in Art, Rants | Tagged , , | 24 Comments

Pain in my Heart

ribcage

Costochondritis is an inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the breastbone. It’s extremely painful and feels like a heart attack that won’t go away. The first time I had it, I called 911 and in the ambulance on the way to the hospital, I kept whispering to the EMT guys, “Don’t let me die!”

Now I have it again, and here’s why: There is a plague of constant catastrophe and sorrow upon the House of Wolf, and it just keeps coming. There are no locusts (so far) but there are cockroaches. I am learning which kitchen products work best to immobilize them.

I feel there is a biblical aspect to this plague, although I know next to nothing about the bible. I do remember a part about the firstborn sons,   and that’s how this plague began.   My firstborn son nearly died, didn’t die, but his recovery won’t be what we thought.

Then came-ith my Broken Hip, the horror of Kindred, the No Money, the Angry Husband, the Spiteful Teenager, The Leaking Roof, the Pile of Bills, the No Leaving the House, and now the Fucking Costochondritis. It’s like a knife in my heart, which is already broken in several places.

A friend mentioned the story of Job, and I nodded, pretending that I knew what he meant. I know that Job was some guy who god tortured just for fun, but then pretended he was testing Job’s faith.

If god is testing me, I hope he’s happy. I still have no faith, but I’m a simple enough creature to wonder why god wants to punish me. I know intellectually that bad things happen to good people. Bad things are mostly random. People are starving in Africa, but not because god hates them. Knowing this doesn’t bring me closer to god. Knowing he isn’t there doesn’t stop me from resenting him, either.

I sold the Chanel bag that was once my holy grail. Chanel won’t protect you from the lord’s wrath or his indifference. I would give up everything I have just to turn back the clock to August. I would even sign up for more creepy medical   conditions like costochondritis. This sounds like bargaining, right? And bargaining is a stage of grief, but I can’t remember which one.

Just the other night, I watched the first half of Gone With the Wind on TV. I was struck for the first time by how poignantly Scarlett exclaimed, “I want my mother!”   I finally know what she means. I want my mother too, even though she’s dead, and even though she was crazy my whole life.   I get why soldiers call out for Mother when they’re injured on the battle field.   It’s horrible to be out here on your own without a mother to make things better. It’s horrible to be a mother who can’t make things better.

I wasn’t going to end this on a tragicomic note, then I changed my mind, then I changed it back again. It’s a brutal Christmas over here.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, Religion, Words | Tagged , , | 34 Comments

Mrs. Palin is Smart Enough, You Splineless Elitists

So much to love here! “How come nobody asked whether Joe Biden has the experience?” Hahahahahahaha!

Posted in News, Words | Tagged , | 16 Comments

Scary New Items at Shopbop

tribal-beat-dress

I was a little taken aback this morning by this number (above,) the Tribal Beat Dress, among Shopbop‘s new arrivals. Is this Head Jutting Girl? I can’t even tell! Then, by a different “Designer” but on the same unfortunate theme, there is this:

zebra-romper

The Zebra Romper. Imagine entering a room wearing the Zebra Romper with the Roomy Hooker Booties! What a wonderful statement….I would even go so far as to call it Effortlessly Chic!

What’s interesting to note is that Goony Bird has the ability to make a simple tank top look EVEN SCARIER!

goony-bird-in-tank-top

Posted in Fashion | Tagged , | 19 Comments

Finding vs Buying

Let’s say you buy a hideous green leather YSL jacket on eBay for $320.   And it’s listed as:   “VTG Yves Saint Laurent Art Deco Cropped Leather Jacket.”

Should you boast that you “found” it on eBay? To my mind, you “bought” it. It was right there for sale and you saw it and you bought it.   Maybe if it was listed on eBay as “Crap leather jacket from the 80s” and you RECOGNIZED it as an YSL piece, then you could say you found it on eBay.

Now.   If you spent some time in the Jewish Ladies Thrift Shop and while searching through a rack of ugly polyester shit, you find this for $40…

ysl-sequin-top2

that is actually “finding.” The person I sold it to on eBay for $320 BOUGHT it! I think we were both happy about it, too.

So, what do you think? Do you get any points for buying expensive designer shit on eBay? Is there a difference between “finding” something and “buying” it?

Posted in Fashion, Words | Tagged , , | 16 Comments

Nursing Home Outrage, Part II

off-with-their-fucking-heads

Back in October, I had a first-hand experience of conditions at a Los Angeles nursing home. I was stunned by the blatant inhumanity: I don’t know what else to call it. How can this shit go on? How can people live with themselves after consigning a loved one to such misery and neglect?

Hearing about a 98 year old woman who killed a 100 year old roommate, my first reaction was to laugh. I guess it’s still funny on some level, but I’ve lost the thread of whatever black comedy I perceived there. Now that I’ve learned the circumstances, I am furious beyond words. It’s an obvious case of nursing home negligence, but the nursing home won’t be held responsible and for the administrators and stockholders, it will be business as usual.

Laura Lundquist strangled her roommate, Elizabeth Barrow, at the Brandon Woods nursing home in New Bedford, MA, after Barrow’s son made repeated complaints about Lundquist on his mother’s behalf. Lundquist believed that Barrows was “taking over her room,” and had already made threats to the older roommate as well as an attempt to block her from leaving her bed.

Guess what? When you complain about anything in a nursing home, NOTHING HAPPENS! People might nod as though they are listening, but nothing will happen. The staff is not there to provide care. They are there to earn a low wage and to bitch to each other about how annoying their duties are. The patients are discussed by their room and bed number. “24B needs service” announced on the intercom will not bring anyone to 24B’s room, not until some CNA is good and ready to walk her ass down the hall.

Lundquist has a lawyer who will argue that she has dementia. Of course she does! She’s 98 years old and rotting in a fucking nursing home! I don’t think Lundquist can be held responsible. But I’d like to see the administrators of Brandon Woods be restrained in their own nursing home for the next several years, subjected to bedsores and the ravings of mentally ill roommates.

The CEO of Brandon Woods, Scott Picone, says said the home was “deeply saddened by this tragic event, and our thoughts and prayers go out to both families.” He declined to comment further. But in another statement, the home said the roommates acted like sisters, walked and ate lunch together daily and said, “Goodnight, I love you,” to each other every night.

Here’s a story for you:   Max’s last roommate at Kindred Hospital was a man named Willie. He is an elderly black man who has cancer and may have also had a stroke. At the time he arrived, he was unable to talk. He had a tracheotomy and had some plastic thing in his mouth. He could gesture with his hands though and he had a legal pad on his table where he could write to communicate.   Just before Max was discharged, I saw that Willie had written “Why do they handle me like a terrorist??” Why indeed.

The next day, I paused outside the room and said to a nurse who had just exited: “Willie is such a sweet guy.” She replied: “Yes, he is. Doesn’t talk much, though.”

In the Q & A section of the Brandon Woods website,   one is assured that: “Music, physical fitness, outings, and laughter are the key ingredients to enabling residents to enjoy their environment.”

Ha! Jesus. Off with their fucking heads.

Posted in Horrible Stuff, News, Rants | Tagged , , | 35 Comments