Oooooh, I want to curate and fondle these sunglasses. Did you know there are whole blogs devoted to cool eye-ware?! Shit! It never ends.
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Comments For Jane 4/06/2010
Sea has been busy busy busy. Above, she models the first creation of a new jewelry and belt line that she and Mom are launching. Hopefully, there will be giant slugs and cockroaches too.
Secretly, Sea has been visiting the brothels of Bangkok, looking for Asian boys with prominent anuses. She has become a favorite with the locals, who scream and hold out their prosthetic legs, hoping she will reward them with a Miu Miu platform bootie or Givenchy ballet flat.
While Sea was off indulging her appetite for hipster porn, Mom discovered that after spending $25,000 at Barneys, she could pick up a Celine bag with her free points! You can see it over at her blog. Meanwhile, Mom plundered eBay for its most icky offerings, including this tragic ‘dragon sweater’:
The sweater will look cool with another of Mom’s recent eBay finds, a scary fish pendant:
Back at Mom’s blog, she shows off some other crap she “won” on eBay. She still can’t use the word “buy!” I love this stubbornness so much, it reminds me of myself and that’s what I look for in people.
Mom’s shopping has gotten so out of control, Sea has threatened to delete her blog. Mom begged Sea to reconsider, even promising to hand over all her curated knits from the 70’s, including every single Adolfo cardigan jacket rejected by Nancy Reagan.
Sea is planing to replace Karl Lagerfeld at Chanel, based on her work with crayons. Karl is upset, but you can’t fight progress. Yohji and Junya have gone into hiding.
Mom is hoping to work for Sea, without whom her life would be an endless quest for bad jewelry and letters to her ex-husband, begging for funds. Mom has been calling Carol, tattling on Sea’s naughty lesbian proclivities, hoping Carol can persuade Sea to make up with Akbar.
Carol is too busy to leave her studies but here’s what she wrote to Mom:
Dear Mom, I think you should let Jane be free to follow her dreams. You should find a way to fulfill yourself without exploiting Jane or Dad. I’ve learned here at school that there’s more to life than hoarding material goods. Love, Carol.
Do you have a comment for Jane? You can leave one here, thanks to my gracious gift of comment space for this purpose.
The Truth About Brad and Angie!
If you’ve been following your celebrity gossip, you know that Brad and Angie sleep in separate beds, and that Angie is a controlling psycho who giggles when the kids cry.
I have a very special secret to tell you, that you can’t repeat to anyone: No one knows anything about Brad and Angie!
As a highly skilled tabloid journalist, I can tell you that each and every cover story on Brad and Angelina is (shhh!) complete fiction. The fights, the reconciliations, the secret calls to Jen, the arguments, the wedding plans, the ‘real’ relationship, the family dynamics…..all of it made up, for you, the valued reader of Us, In Touch, Okay, Star, etc etc.
Sometimes, when there’s no story to make up, the resourceful journalist will have to divulge Angie’s Shocking Diet, or Brad’s Bedtime Phone-calls to the Kids. Sometimes, you just have to channel Brad or Angie. When he’s away making a movie, Angie is withdrawn. Or else maybe she’s bonding with Brad’s mom! Or, no, she’s fighting with Brad’s mom.
Whenever I read something exceptionally stupid and far-fetched about Brad and Angie (or any big celebrity) I can’t help feeling perversely envious of the writer who came up with such a whopping lie, thinking, Fuck! Why didn’t I ever think of that angle!
I totally admire the writer who came up with this one, at ShowbizSpy, about Angie’s lesbitious crush on Johnny Depp‘s wife, Vanessa Paradis:
“Angelina,” the source tells American tabloid the National Enquirer, “just loves Vanessa’s raw, natural beauty, and has always said how lucky Johnny is to have landed her. “Who knows? Maybe she wants more than friendship with her?”
Genius! Go check it out.
Brand Whore
I don’t want a red leather jacket (a miracle!) but when I saw pictures of the Zac Posen for Target stuff, I thought the jacket might be worth looking at.
The only reason I became interested is the name Zac Posen, which connotes luxury. I know for certain that if this same jacket was by Guess or Free People I wouldn’t give it a moment of consideration.
Not only am I a brand whore, evidently, but I also have irrational biases against certain brands. If I saw the cutest shoes in the entire world but they were by Jessica Simpson, there’s no fucking way I’d buy them. Same for shoes by Coach. Coach shoes just kill me. Their logo just seems tragic somehow.
It’s not because the brands are cheap, either. I couldn’t buy anything by Haute Hippie, and that shit is really expensive. I wouldn’t buy jeans by Current-Elliot or True Religiion, and I don’t even know why! I just resent those brands.
Shopping is full of weird subliminal triggers. For me, it can be the sound of the name or the look of an ad that puts me off a whole brand, permanently.
Do you have an irrational brand bias? Or are you above this kind of shit?
Gratuitous Cute Guy Post
Meet the next Johnny Depp. His name is Karl and he’s only 18. But he’s 6′ 2″. He has “walked” for John Galliano and he can walk for me in my dreams seems like a very nice young man.
What’s not to love about Karl?
Bill Donohue: Cunt of the Week™
Bill Donohue, president of The Catholic League, is such a fucking cunt, he is almost off the scale. I watched him on Larry King last night, on a panel discussion of the current crisis facing the Catholic church.
Donohue was nuts from the opening gate, but watch him achieve full red-in-the face psychotic cunthood as he screams that when boys over the age of 12 are molested by priests, it’s “homosexuality” not “pedophilia.”
This man is breathtakingly crazy. His primary concern is to defend his beloved Pope, and in doing so he reveals the hateful, homophobic underbelly of the Catholic Church, which is apparently run like the Mafia, only with less regard for actual family.
Bill Donohue: Shameless fat windbag and grade-A Cunt of the Week .
Posted in Disorders, News, Rants, Religion, Words
Tagged fucking cunts, gays, Pope Ratty
35 Comments
A Genius Speaks
On the subject of Terry Richardson, here is blogger ‘Gnarlitude Jen’:
“If someone is uncomfortable in any situation, they have the fucking choice to say NO.
Sorry but this is a choice those models made. If he got naked and they weren’t having it, walk the fuck out. Otherwise, don’t complain about him later when you chose to be there. If your agency drops you because you didn’t want to suck him off, well then that’s that. Don’t give me none of this pussy shit. So now everyone reads all these ‘terrible stories and omg he’s such a bad guy’. Has no one seen his photos before? What’d they think was gonna happen? All good clean fun and maybe some prayer circle after?
So if a model gives him a hand job, did he force his dick in their hand? If they’re that hungry for fame that they’re willing to do whatever to get it, including sucking him off and then whining all over about it later then fuck them.”
Inappropriate Cravings
On my mental list of shit I wish I could buy, the most persistent craving is also the most inappropriate: leather shorts.
I can’t think of another fashion purchase that would be more inappropriate, except maybe a romper. (Sorry about the word “romper.”)
No one wants to see Grandma in leather shorts! Even though I’m not anyone’s grandma, I could be. And that alone makes it wrong. It doesn’t matter what kind of legs I have, it’s the mutton dressed as lamb thing. And yet, every time I see a nice pair of leather shorts, I get all excited and start clicking on sizes, as if I might actually buy them. The only person I can think of who should wear leather shorts is Queen Michelle. Otherwise, they are only suitable for prostitutes and Chloe Sevigny.
What is your current most inappropriate fashion craving? Don’t be shy: All confessions will result in immediate absolution!
Footwear That Dare Not Speak Its Name
Will you look at this shit? Is it a shoe or a boot or something else that never should have happened?
It’s by Jeffrey Campbell, duh, and it’s called “The Knee High Iconic Gladiator” and here I forget the last word, either shoe or boot.
The worst thing is that I meant to post this yesterday and NOW THIS ICONIC-WHATEVER IS COMPLETELY SOLD OUT!
Please forgive me! It was at Karmaloop. God. Am I Cunt of the Week now?